Sexual Negotiation 101

Negotiation before and during sex can be tricky but absolutely essential. Aren't experienced in the art of kink? A newbie at sexual communication? We think consensual sex is the hottest kind, and that's why we're writing on the importance of negotiation for newbies. This article is by Jean-Luc Gothos, who is an avid lover of kink and negotiation.

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It’s something that will always be a part of kink, BDSM and even non-kink encounters. Put your likes and dislikes on the table, and and honest to sexual communication improves all aspects of sex. This is the real key here; honest communication.  My perspective is slightly different then others. I generally only have committed partners, I don’t have one night stands or uncommitted relationships.

For the couples out there, these recommendations are just as important if they're trying new things out sexually or changing their sexual routine. Change requires conversation and negotiation!

These are ways that I've used negotiation. The way you use negotiation might be slightly different, especially in your communication style. Nevertheless, I'm sure you could use my experiences to learn about negotiation in your own love life.

Start of with, "hard limits"

Negotiation is an evolving process. It’s something that is always just a little different each time. It is always good to start with, "hard limits." Hard limits are the “No fucking way. Not for a million dollars!" things that you will not do. 

For example in the adult industry, some individuals will keep certain sex acts off limits. Why? They only want certain acts for themselves and/or their partners or they just aren't into it.

Ask & answer questions

For example, anal sex. Are you into anal or do you just have no interest in ass play of any kind? Pain, needles, electricity play.

What are your stances on such play? Do you enjoy being tied up and used, or do you like to be the one in charge? These are the questions you’ll have to be asking yourself and your partner. Once you have talk about all of that now it’s time to move onto the fun stuff.

Have a safe word

Now there is another more on-the-fly type of negotiation. This includes the yes/no form of negotiation. This type of negotiation takes place when your verbal skills have left because you have your partner pinned against a wall. 

During sex, you can always communicate with your partner saying stop with the safe word. For instance, if things are going to quickly and you want to stop, just use your safe word. 

Likely, naked sexy things are happening at a fast pace. Your not thinking as much as acting, and your partner is just giving a yes or no answers.  Why? You’re both just so caught up in the sexual energy that’s being exchanged. This is perfectly fine for established couples, however for first time encounters it is best to hold off and really take the time for real communication to happen. 

There you have it, a simple starter guide to negotiation, I’d highly recommend The Loving Dominate, The New Topping Book, and the New Bottoming Book all of which go into much more detail into the negotiation process. 

Jean-Luc Gothos is our resident pansexual geek. He's founder on Mindchaotica. He is also very active on Twitter, Facebook, G+, and Tumblr. I’m also a writer for Life On The Swingset, Kink~E Magazine, and he also reviews sex toys on EdenFantasys and writes for their sex positive online publication SexIs Social.

Please feel free to leave a comment and add to the list!