How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

FemDom Series #1: Intro to Forced Feminization

Quick note: Though the title says, "forced" we ONLY do consensual sex. So though it's forceful, it's ALL consensual. As you'll read below, talk plenty before and during domination.

It's Fifty Shades of Grey September here at GetLusty. While the latest trend in erotic literature seems to focus on the male dominant/female submissive duality, there are many more delicious combinations to explore in the vast and varied world of BDSM play. The first in a series, we're talking about female dominance! Allow me to introduce you to the gloriously seductive world of female domination! Female dominance, or more commonly known as "femdom" in the dominant submissive (d/s) community, is where the dominant partner is female, and the submissive is male; a departure from the stereotypical relationship portrayed in the 50 Shades of Grey.

Portia Blush reports.

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Femdom offers so many wonderful facets of play to experience with your partner, and while there is no predetermined menu of activities, there are several that are quite inherent to this special dynamic. My personal favorite of these is forced feminization; where gender play and the art of humiliation are lovingly blended with skill and finesse. This style of domination is unique to this dynamic solely because of the gender bias that exists within our culture that women are the physically and emotionally weaker sex. And while that is a definite negative as far as culture and gender equality goes, it's a huge plus for us ladies in the domain of d/s play.

As with all BDSM play, consent is the key to the sexiness, so keep this in mind as you are reading. Do read sexual negotiation 101 and 6 tips for getting starting with BDSM. A submissive male who is into "forced femme" is craving this kind of treatment. While you may think at first, from the outside looking in, that it's cruel and degrading to emasculate him, you're right, and that's exactly how he wants it! Both the dominant and submissive share a fantasy; the dominant is like the conductor of the symphony, and the submissive, her orchestra.

Now that we've gotten all that serious stuff out of the way, let's talk fun! Forced feminization is just that; fun! Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough the creative potential in this style of play.

From the physical aspects like dressing your submissive up in pretty lingerie and makeup, to the more psychological side of play with name calling and behavior modification, you can have unlimited hours of amusement! Here are a few suggestions for exploring your forced femme play.

#1 Let's play dress up

Dressing your submissive man up in lingerie is good, and the more obnoxiously girly it is, the better! Pick very feminine colors like pinks and purples, and fabrics with lots of frilly ruffles and lace. Or, you can buy some of those panties that say things like "Princess" written in glittery letters across the bottom.

Up the ante on the humiliation factor by taking him shopping, and force him to pick them out, making it obvious to the sales clerk that he's getting them in his size. You can do the same with high heels, makeup, and fun hair accessories. I like to make a list, a very specific list, and force them to shop for it all alone, with me watching from a distance to make sure they do as told. Have a fashion show, and make your new toy show off all his new girly wear! Make sure he walks like a lady, or you'll punish him for his transgressions. Do you have other kinky female friends? Invite them over to watch!

#2 What's in a name?

When you name something, you own it! Give that boy a new name more befitting of his sissified self. You can take his male name and feminize it (Steve = Stevina), or you can call him more impersonal derogatory names like "slut" or "sissyboy". You could always try to find out what his mother would have called him if he had been born a girl, and use that. It adds a little something, don't you think? Honestly, why pick just one? Call that new toy of yours anything you want.

#3 What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine!

Make sure your new sissyboy knows that his body is your property, and therefore yours whenever for the taking. Grope, grab, fondle, and probe him at your whim. Asses him like the piece of meat he is. Buy a good quality strap-on harness and an assortment of dildos, and let the fun begin! Make that sissy get down on his knees and suck your dildo as he gazes appreciatively up into your eyes, and when you're satisfied enough with his performance, turn him around, bend him over, and take him anally (pegging) as he thanks you repeatedly for allowing him the pleasure.

#4 Earning his keep

A clean house is a happy house, so put that sissy to work! Dress him up in whatever is most appealing to you, and have him get to work on that laundry and mopping that kitchen floor.

 Some femdoms work the "sissymaid" aspect in here with a cute maid outfit, but I find that a man wearing a bra, panties, stockings, and a pair of high heels is sufficient enough.

Plus, it allows for easy access to your property, and you just never know when the mood will strike. Does it seem your new toy doesn't understand his place, or is not performing his chores to your liking? I like to make handmade signs to hang around my sissy's neck to entertain myself in this case. "Portia's Dirty Slut" always looks so nice. Not inspiring enough motivation? I find that taking pictures of this whole scenario works perfectly, and always seems to inspire a sissyslut to work harder. I hate having to make them mop my floors twice, wouldn't you?

Try these all tips separately, or combine them for new and exciting adventures! Your imagination is your only limit, and your submissive is just waiting to fulfill your every wish and desire. May your foray into forced feminization bring you both abounding pleasure!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.