Generations Across: Why Stop Love Ageism

As a wife with a husband 10 years my elder, I definitely hear this article--if from the hetero perspective. Even from the hetero perspective, there's already ageism. Well, I couldn't fall in love with that person because of their age. Our sexual and love choices include many factors, including age.

But what about gay couples where one partner is older? How do both hetero couples respond to that and how can the gay community be more accepting? How can we all be more accepting to couples that might be different to our own dynamics? JacoPhillip Crous reports.

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“The sex is more imaginative; 
 it feels more sensitive
 and this allows us to make love 
 with a greater degree of altruism.”

– James*, 32, 
 partner of twelve years to Mark*, 54.

Seen here, Juan Hidalgo’s photograph of two men kissing made a very controversial impression early in 2012. I was discussing it with a colleague when he brought to my attention the age difference between the two men in the photograph.

Suddenly many conversations rushed into my mind. I hurriedly had to nip our deliberation in the bud and proceeded to rifle through the narratives of couples who have crossed the generation divide, sharing with me so many of their experiences, viewpoints, and insights.

What is Ageism?

Ageism is prejudice and/or discrimination on the grounds of a person’s age. In gay communities around the world, ageism is more than problematic.

It constrains mens' masculine development, is caustic to our shared identity in manhood, and more importantly, consumptive of our sense of gay community. Some gay couples' love and lust for one another bridge across their generation gap. Those couples have a very good vantage point to observe gay mens' prejudices and gay social discrimination around aging and generation cohorts.

Let's not be ageist with love

William*, as a young gay man of 24, now partner of five years to John* who caricatures himself “a mature child of 40”, recalls how, while he was still just dating John, gay friends would repeatedly refer to him as “the young boy”. William was once very upset at one of John’s peer friends referring to him as “some fresh young thing”. I remember John commenting while the two of them scooched closer together on the couch: “As if Will was going to go off by a certain date.” It may just be the way gay men talk, but a stereotype is at its best offensive, and even more so when we consider that in circumstances such as these it comes from those who are opposed to themselves being stereotyped in any way.

James, 32, and Mark, 54, have been committed to each other for more than twelve years, yet whenever they step out of their circle, the age gap in their relationship opens a Pandora’s box of prejudices. James once remarked that, “the majority of older gay men we meet, treat me as some vapid nymph only after an easy ride (no pun intended), while Mark receives patronizing, congratulatory pats on the back as if he has won me as first prize in a pissing contest . . . younger guys usually react with waves of incredulity and panic.” It saddens me to have to agree with Mark when he says that the majority of young gay men are not interested in what older gay generations have to contribute.

It is the older generations that fought, sweat, tears, and blood for the acceptance and rights many younger generations now take for granted. “My generation made a gay reality possible,” points out Paul, 62, now in the sixth year of partnership with Peter, 38. Everyone over forty now has lived before and during the AIDS epidemic. Older generations were, in that context, also the pioneers of safe sex. “Safe sex, in some ways, made us look for other sexual practices” says Paul, Peter following quick with, “I learned that from Paul . . . there is so much more we can do than just fuck.” Paul takes heart that there are still some young men who value the traditions that provided a community in the first place, that “there are still young men out there who appreciate our minds and our sex.”

The couples I have had the pleasure of knowing, as diverse as you can imagine, strike accord on one very pertinent characteristic. Sex is experienced by both partners to be more imaginative. It is felt to be more sensitive and given with a greater degree of altruism. I believe that this is a result of mentorship these sexual partners share and enjoy. It's driven by the emotional satisfaction we all gain from teaching our beloved and being taught by our lovers.

Let's consider the historical context

The tradition of mentors in homosocial communities reaches far back into ancient Hellenic and Roman cultures, and likely beyond. It shouldn’t be a surprise that this dynamic raises its head, so to speak, in contemporary homosexual culture.

Because many gay men leave home without having been taught the finer things, like which linen to buy, which crystal to have, how to arrange flowers, choose a colour scheme, or how to throw a dinner party, these things and more are considered community things to be learnt from gay communion.

As homosexuals, we have to recognise that there are traditions that hold our global gay community together. This recognition on the side of the elder is perhaps the one thing that most separates the generations in gay living today. This sense of mentorship in gay culture is most pronounced in couples were there is a pronounced age difference between partners.

Let's nurture all loving, consensual relationships

Nurturing a relationship across such a generational gap is no matter of course though. The double prejudice suffered by these gay couples is a near active dissuasion. Not only do these men have to overcome the hegemonic disdain for their commitment and relationships. They also face prejudgement from within the gay community over their partnerships. Aron, 45, has been in a relationship with Tom, 27, for little over two years now and says to me, “I see it, our relationship... as a mirror image of the same condescension suffered by interracial couples.” Now, before your mind opens a whole other can of worms, this statement sharply focuses the feeling of discrimination these gay couples experience.

We should not perpetuate terms of endearment. Our love for our partners, if not revered, should at least be respected. Union in partnership, our emotional commitment, our sense of gay community, is in the fact that we love and choose to partner with someone of the same sex. As valid and enriching as these exemplary relationships are to the men in them, so too they are to gay community.

GetLusty provides recognition and support to all couples. If you would like to know more on a specific topic or have a particular question in need of an answer, GetLusty resources are enriching the lives of people in committed relationships around the world and you are welcome to subscribe. Have your comments and queries tackled by the professional talent (like me!) contributing to GetLusty.

I will share more gay coupling experiences with you next week on Get Lusty. Coupling: Trust clouts Fear, will include my personal experiences when I engaged with the coupling guidance process together with my ‘husband’ of over eight years.

Get the lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well; do It safe.
 Jacsman
*For ethical privacy all person names are given as nom de guerre

Though he's a new writer, we're already extremely excited about JacoPhillip. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman.

He studies & consults on ecstatic & intimate psycho-sexual health & development, promoting & improving male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A sex educator, JacoPhillip Crous studies about and consults around male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeablity. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman. Also subscribe on Facebook.

How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

Why We Love Freud

We often think about sex. Why? Sex is one of those instinctual urges. This is an idea Sigmund Freud talked about frequently. Shannon Ray is here to talk about why Freudian ideas and Freud himself influences sex today.

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Sex through history

Throughout history, sex has played a major role. Wars have been started due to it; think Helen of Troy. Clothing has been designed to hide it; think Victorian era or to enhance it; think rubber, leather and latex. The type of beer and automobile we purchase are due to hidden sexual messages in advertisements. Even the expression "getting laid" dates back to the customers of a 1900’s Chicago bordello the "Everleigh Club". ("I’m going to get Everleighed tonight.") Some feel that our very existence comes down to simply getting laid, that sex is the primary motivation for our existence.

Freud's sexual theories

Sigmund Freud was one of those people. His belief was that everything we do is in relation to sex. Case in point: Being a pet owner shows the "softer" side of one's persona: a caretaker, a giver. We earn a paycheck to show that we are stable and able to provide. We shower and brush our teeth, and practice good general hygiene to attract others to us.

Even though there are some of us who choose not to mate, we are inherently sexual creatures. In the end, it’s all smoke and mirrors to attract someone into our “sexual web." Sex is wired into our brains- whether we like it our not.

In situations, difficult or not, we get defensive about those three little letters: S E X. No matter your social class, income level, gender role or credit history- sex is a part of our lives. Either we are not getting enough or we are getting too much. It’s either too kinky or too vanilla for our taste buds. Our partners are either too fast on the draw or too slow for words. Sex rarely seems to be just right. But when it is, it’s the equal to a starvation diet that ends with a buffet. It’s the best we ever had and we’re not too proud to beg for more. And though you may not agree with Freud or me we both have a point:

In the end, is sex the reason? Give it a moment and think about it.

Thinking about primping

How vigilant would we be in our primping ritual if sex weren’t the wanted result in the end? Would a Stairmaster really be a high priority if no one were there to watch our asses? That last piece of pizza or cheese Danish would be finished off with a smile instead of a dismal sigh while calculating calories. And even when we do get the prize, is it really worth it? Wouldn’t all this be much easier if we purchased a vibrator and lived like we wanted to?

Let’s take for example a typical relationship (which in the end is really just code for wanting sex on a regular basis):

You meet and are freshly groomed from your non-showing roots atop your head to your freshly painted toenails. You’re on your best behavior; all the time your hormones are in overdrive. The courting process has officially begun. This means that you must wear only your sexiest underwear, shave and moisturize your legs, and carry extra breath mints in the purse that you never used to carry. (Because, as everyone knows, you need to look both sexy and organized when trying to get laid.) You’re beyond witty, beyond charming, beyond anything you’ve ever been. This is no ordinary persona, this is “super you”. This is your “gonna get me some” self.

Finally the big night arrives. You’ve polished, waxed, shaved, trimmed, and tweezed as much as possible. There are enough candles to light a small village. Hours have been spent cleaning the entire house- just in case there’s a pre-sex inspection.

Soon the fresh sheets are no more. The sex monster has beckoned and you have answered the call. All the time, wishing you had checked your caller ID prior to answering. Soon enough, you’ll be wearing your faded flowered underwear instead of the black thong. Your roots will be showing, proving that you’re really not that true blonde, brunette or redhead. Some dismiss this as the “groove” of a relationship. But let’s face some facts. The let down has happened, the sexual conquest is over and it wasn’t much to write home about. And all that’s left are some melted candles and stale breath mints.

Before long, we’ll be primping ourselves and be back on the prowl. And none the wiser for we never really learned our lessons. If we luck out tonight, it’s back to scrubbed walls and organizational clutches. If not, I suggest investing in a vibrator and a brownie or two.

Shannon Ray has been interested and active around sex blogging for years. She loves talking, thinking about and researching sex. So, of course, she's the perfect GetLusty writer!

“I was raised by a tribe of drag queens. They taught me how to be fierce with a pen and lip-gloss,” often jokes writer Shannon Andrews-Ray. Having dated both sexes for nearly 15 years, Shannon gives an ‘Alice through the Looking Glass’ spin on the often hilarious mating habits of both men and women, through her various incarnations of her dating columns. “Love’s Frosting” is her most recent tumble. Want to get in touch? E-mail her here.

"Mindfulness" as Sex Therapy

 Being mindful of your sexuality and even your emotions benefits your personal development. Meditation is healing. Sex is also healing. So, why wouldn't they both help sexual trauma or difficulties? How about channeling that mindfulness into your sexuality? GetLusty advocate, sexologist and sex therapist, Dr. Jenn reports.

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Boring sex? Pain during intercourse? Distracted in bed? Sex addiction? No desire to get it on? Is it possible that all these sexual concerns and sex problems could have the same remedy? Yes, and that remedy is the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is an awareness skill of being present in the moment, with your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. It is noticing the present moment and – here’s the kicker – not judging what you notice. The health benefits of mindfulness are profound: stress reduction, decline in anxiety, depression relapse prevention, overcoming addiction, and reducing chronic pain, not to mention greater happiness and fulfillment in life.

Researchers are also delving into the sexual realm to see how mindfulness can improve sex lives. Although little research has been done so far, it seems to be beneficial for women with low desire, vulva pain, and emotional distress from past sexual trauma. There is anecdotal evidence that it is valuable for sex “addiction,” erectile dysfunctions, and boredom.

I’ve been integrating mindfulness-based practices into my sex therapy and couples counseling work for several years because I think it’s the foundation for all personal growth.

Do you freak out with jealousy if your boyfriend receives a text from another woman? Mindfulness can help break that automatic pattern. Are you distracted during sex by your bulging belly or your long to-do list? Mindfulness skills keep you grounded in the moment and release such mind chatter. Integrating little daily practices of mindfulness can make these big brain changes.

I have mindfulness on my brain more than usual this week, because I just went to a sex conference this weekend. Its not as sexually titillating as it may sound, but it will be intellectually titillating. At this 2012 annual conference for AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) in Austin, TX, I will be speaking on “Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body: Improving Sex Lives Through Mindfulness.” My take home message for the audience? Mindfulness is the new sexy.

This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's sex & love blog series. Check it out the Mindfullness post here.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

My Favorite Things: Sex Slang for Giggles

Need to add some more slang words to you sex vocabulary? Forget the dictionary! Nadine Thornhill from Adorkable Undies is here with a post on some of her favorite sexy slang terms for our nether regions.

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Tonight I’m facilitating a session on sex positivity for some new volunteers at work. My favorite part of the lesson involves an activity called “penis vulva arm."  The group must come up with as many euphemisms/slang terms for each body part. It’s no holds-barred. Participants are encouraged to throw out any word no matter how cheesy, inappropriate or potentially offensive it might be.

We write all the words on large sheets of paper. Invariably, there are dozens of words for both penis and vulva, while the record for “arm” stands at four. The purpose of the exercise is to illustrate how many words we’ve created to describe the sexual parts of our bodies and how, to some extent, the breadth of language exists as a way to avoid speaking about sex directly.

While I agree that speaking in anatomically correct terms without blushing furiously is a good thing, I must confess that I do have fun with less formal sex-talk in certain contexts. Here, for your consideration, are some of my favorite sexy slang terms:

Vulva: Cunt. The Lion.

Clitoris: Clit

Vagina: Vag. Inside me/her.

Penis: Cock

Testicles: Balls. (I’m trying to break my habit of saying “balls!” to express disappointment, as I like balls/testicles quite a bit. “pants!” is the my new “balls!”)

Scrotum: Ball sack

Breasts: Boobs (in casual conversation). Tits (in sexy situations)

Butt: Ass. Booty.

Semen: Jizz

Vaginal lubrication: Va-Jizz

Penetrative Sex: Fuck(ing)

Spanking: Ass slap

Fellatio: Going down. Sucking cock.

Cunnilingus: Use/using your mouth (The term “eating out” just doesn’t make sense to me.)

Anal Sex: Ass fuck(ing)

Masturbation: Wanking. Taking Care Of Business.

When it comes to sex words, do you have some preferred slang terms or do you like to straight up tell it like it is? Comments are open so don’t be shy. Speak up!

This was originally posted at Adorkable Undies, Nadine Thornhill's lovely blog.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy. She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants.

Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her on Facebook and Pinterest.

Ladies! Multiple Orgasms 101

It's no secret that GetLusty For Couples loves vulva's, the clitoris and the vagina. Gosh, we love all areas of our female bodies! So when we have the chance to publish an article on multiple orgasms. Well, we're tickled. Anne Brown, of the Enlightened Sexpot, is back with more orgasmic writing. What about? You guessed it, orgasms! In honor of Orgasm October which is just around the corner, she is here to discuss the mystery of multiple orgasms.

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Some canny readers may have noticed that I alluded to the totally awesome ability for vagina-owners to experience multiple orgasms in my last post on clitoral orgasms.

If you said, “Oh yes, multiple orgasms, please!” when I mentioned an orgasm in which “you don’t want to short-change the zings,” guess what Holmes? You win. Why? Because it only dawned on me a week later that the phrase “multiple orgasms” even applied in that situation.

The ability to have multiple orgasms was kind of on a pedestal in my brain. I thought that being “multi-orgasmic” was some special trick that only the real experts could master. The problem with this–and anything sexual on a pedestal (see the Cosmo article Multiple O’s: Why One Orgasm is Never Enough)– is that “multiple orgasms” then are only special because they can’t belong to just anyone.

Fuck the pedestal, guys. Multiple orgasms, virginity, whatever, the things are special if you have made your own personal choice to decide that they are special for you. I’ve said this already: every sexual experience that gives an individual pleasure is legitimate. If you’re not having multiple orgasms, you’re not “missing out”. That said, if you’re interested in how they work and/or how your favorite vagina(s) can feel more than one orgasm in a session, keep reading!

For penises

Before we begin: penis-owners, I haven’t forgotten you. I just need to get my hands on this book and do a little other research before I can write anything more in-depth about the penis’s ability to have multiple orgasms, which involve learning to orgasm without ejaculating (they are actually already separate things– in many male bodies it’s normal to feel the orgasm begin before ejaculation starts).

When penises ejaculate with orgasm, there follows what is called a, "refractory period" in which they become not interested in sex. This refractory period varies in time from person to person and will change with age, libido, stress, etc. Vaginas might ejaculate sometimes, but they don’t have refractory periods. Some clits feel painful when touched right after orgasm, but this isn’t an actual physiological refractory period–it’s just a clitoris that is really sensitive at the time.

Even that painful clitoris is capable of being stimulated to orgasm (if done very carefully with permission). Just like with one orgasm, all pussies are completely physically capable of having multiples, it’s just a matter of whether or not that particular pussy has discovered the best way to do it yet.

Debunking Cosmo

That Cosmo article I linked to earlier is only disguising itself as helpful, and I hope you didn’t read it before reading this.

First of all, the title puts pressure on the reader to want and work towards multiple orgasms, even if there is vague do-what-feels-good language inside the article.

Second, multiple orgasms are only talked about in the context of heterosexual penis-in-vagina intercourse, and it asserts that oral sex before intercourse and/or lots and lots of penis-thrusting are the “most common” ways that vaginas have multiple orgasms. Talk about being scared of maybe girls getting pleasure not from their “man”.

It sets itself up with a faux-cutesy “sorry, dudes– girls totally have you beat because we can have multiple orgasms” attitude that the author may have thought was empowering. I don’t feel good when I make other people feel not as adequate and/or give erroneous information so, Cosmo go away. The only good information in this piece was the definition of two different types of multiple orgasms that vagina-owners can experience: sequential and serial.

Sequential and serial orgasms 

Sequential multiple orgasms are orgasms that are only seconds apart– they are, in fact, what I was talking about when I said do not stop doing whatever you are doing because of the zings, etc. As a reminder and to qualify: these types of orgasms, which feel like one extended zig-zag of wantwant-orgasm!-wantwant-orgasm! to infinity and beyond, happen when the person in question is really super-aroused and there has been lots and lots and lots of foreplay (“of her choice”, thanks Wikipedia!).

This could potentially happen with lots of penis-thrusting for the high-estimate 30% of female bodies who come from vaginal intercourse alone, but for the vast majority, extra-thrustular stimulation will be involved. Dr. Ruth’s Encyclopedia of Sex (informative, not always as inclusive/ sex-positive as I would like) cites a couple of big-name studies in which average women experienced up to 50 sequential orgasms using vibrators. Tongues and fingers are also great, duh.

Serial multiple orgasms happen a few minutes apart, and vagina-owners get to demonstrate their ability to rapidly move through the human sexual response cycle of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution. While sequential orgasms bounce between plateau (wantwant) and orgasm (!), the experience of serial multiple orgasms allows a longer period to pass–one to several minutes– between each orgasm, and the entire cycle repeats itself. Re-excitement through a continuation of foreplay activities before the resolution phase totally sets in, leads to another plateau and then an orgasm. It might be a different-feeling orgasm than the last one, but that still “counts” as a multiple, just like having goal-oriented “I-want-an-orgasm-of-this-type” sex still “counts” as “not being fully appreciative of your/your partner’s body."

Qualities of those who have multiple orgasms

The 50-orgasm women in the studies cited by Dr. Ruth all had one thing in common: what seemed to be a “healthy, uninhibited sexuality”.

If I extrapolate correctly, this means that they didn’t feel shame about what they wanted or were experiencing, that they felt they were in a safe place where they didn’t need to have their guard up. If they were alone my guess would be that they stayed focused on themselves, had positive thoughts about their pleasure, and saw the experience as an exploration, not an achievement.

Additionally, if they were with a partner, this partner was probably someone that had made them to feel safe; feel cared about; someone who believed that their pleasure was important and not something “extra” or something to get out of the way. Truly “uninhibited” sex isn’t crazy sex where everyone does everything (necessarily), but instead sex in which a person and their partner feel connected to and totally accepting of themselves and the other. This kind of sex can and does happen with both strangers and married people: it’s all about the individual attitudes involved.

Did you know that anyone can have an orgasm? Like really, really anyone? Like even people with paralysis or who have experienced genital mutilation can learn to have orgasms through non-genital stimulation? I don’t want to say that “anyone” can have multiple orgasms because I don’t have enough information, but with the knowledge that anyone can experience orgasm it seems like it’s possible. Bodies and brains are awesome. I’m so glad I have my very own one of each.

References:

• Westheimer, Dr. Ruth (1994). ”Dr. Ruth’s encyclopedia of sex”. New York, Continuum.
• Ryan, Christopher and Jethá, Calcida (2010). ”Sex at dawn: How we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships”. New York, Harper Collins
• Go Ask Alice (Columbia advice column)
• Healthcentral.com Multiple Orgasms
• Human Sexual Response Cycle via Wikipedia
• Refractory Period (sex) via Wikipedia

Check out the original post The Enlightened Sexpot.


Anne blogs from her base in Boston as The Enlightened Sexpot and works at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI.

Originally from Seattle, she studied Spanish and Latin American literature/film/art at Dartmouth College while also obtaining a teaching certificate in Kindergarten- 8th grade.

In addition to her interest in any and all things sex-related, Anne is a huge NPR nerd, book nerd, and an enthusiastic spin class participant. You can follow her on twitter @shinysex and also check out her blog, the Enlightened Sexpot.

Press Release: GetLusty for Couples to Organize Flashmob Dance to End Boring Sex, Support Consensual Sex

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Erica Grigg
Founder, GetLusty for Couples
(773) 413-8403
Erica@GetLusty.com
www.GetLusty.com

Chicago, IL, 9/26/12 – Seven years ago, the Founder of GetLusty for Couples was raped near her university, DePaul University Chicago. Six weeks ago, she founded GetLusty for Couples to promote amazing, consensual sex between loving couples to end the shame and stigma of sex.

Love and relationship media resource GetLusty for Couples will work alongside SlutWalk Chicago to execute a flashmob dance with the mission of ending boring sex for couples. For 5 minutes, we'll do the electric slide in support of SlutWalk Chicago. An electric slide tutorial starts at 11:15AM and the dance itself starting promptly at 11:30AM on September 29, 2012 at the James R. Thompson Center (100 West Randolph Street, Chicago). Participation is open to the general public.

SlutWalk Chicago is an international annual event that aims to combat the myth of "the slut" and the culture of victim-blaming in sexual assault. “In the last year, this fight has spread to over 200 cities around the world, where independent organizers have organized locally-driven SlutWalk-inspired events. SlutWalk started, and is still going, because we and so many others around the world have had enough,” said SlutWalk Toronto originators Sonya Barnett and Heather Jarvis.

GetLusty For Couples, like SlutWalk, aims to promote consensual, amazing sex. We're completely behind the SlutWalk movement and we think you should be, too!

GetLusty aims to help SlutWalk Chicago in eliminating shame and embarrassment surrounding sexuality. The attendees will perform the Electric Slide dance in their undergarments (if they so choose) to Salt-N-Pepa's, "Let's Talk About Sex" and "Push It" to promote this discussion of sexuality in a public forum. After the conclusion of the dance, SlutWalk Chicago will proceed with their event from 12:00PM until 1:00PM.

RSVP today! Please visit the event page on Facebook at http://on.fb.me/PG0eXH or GetLusty’s related blog post at http://bit.ly/GetLustyFlashMob for additional information.

Contact GetLusty founder Erica at (773) 413-8403 or by e-mail at Erica@GetLusty.com with interview requests. For any other questions or comments get in touch with our press manager, Hailee Moore at hailee@getlusty.com or the event organizer Annelise@getlusty.com.

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Original Adult Fiction: Office Tango

Erotic stories are pretty hot, don't you think? Yeah, us, too! Do you want to add a little steam to your Tuesday? Our Crimson Love is here to introduce a series of erotic stories with a little introduction to her characters. Here's another original piece of titillating fiction for your reading pleasure.

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The day has dragged on and it’s now 1:30pm. Time for the weekly Thursday meeting. I go to grab my raspberry iced tea and a handful of fruity hard candy because it’s the only thing that will keep me awake and get me through this monotonous bullshit.

Upon entering the boardroom, a deliciously arousing scent wafts in my path. It’s masculine, with woody notes and a hint of musk, a heady and addictive combination that has forced me to find the owner of this scent. I casually walk around the room and pretend to look for a seat all while trying to find the mysterious origin of my new addiction. It isn't long before we must all be seated for the start of the meeting.

After everyone is seated, Mr. Millwall welcomes everyone, and I am on my way to Lala Land thinking about the things I have to do when I get home. I'm going through my mental grocery list when my thoughts are interrupted by an eruption of applause.

At the exact same moment, that oh so intoxicating scent I failed to find the origin of, wafts right past me. I can only see the back of the owner of such deliciousness as he proceeds to the front of the room. Mr. Millwall introduces him as James O'Sullivan, the new head of the advertising department, my department.

He is tall and well dressed. He's in a grey Armani suit, with sandy, blonde, well coiffed hair, a goatee and sky-blue eyes. As he thanks everyone for the warm welcome I notice his voice is deep and smooth, like rich silk. It reverberates in the deepest, darkest spot of my body. He's so confident, witty and charming; commanding the room's attention with such ease. I can’t believe this man is my new boss.

When James has finished his little introductory speech he returns to his seat and that intoxicating scent liquefies my insides into a puddle of lust. As he sits, he catches my eye and flashes me a smile. I feel the heat of a flush creep up my face from my neck. I quickly look away because I fear my body would ignite if I stare any longer. For the rest of the meeting, I steal glances of James in between fantasizing about the wonderfully wicked things we could do together. Would he do that thing I've been dreaming about? Would he tie me up like I've wished?

It is now 3:30 PM and the meeting is over. People hastily leave but I pretend to take notes on the meeting papers to give myself time to steal one last glance at James. When I look up he is gone and I can't help but to note the tiny pang of disappointment in my gut. I quickly gather my things and as I start to walk to exit the boardroom my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a luscious feeling, and I shutter. I grab my phone to see who or what it is and it’s a text from my best friend, Nikkie. As I proceed to exit the room and read my message I am abruptly knocked off balance and everything I was holding spills to the floor. My papers, tea, and my phone, which is now in pieces, are scattered on the floor.

I mumble some obscenity and kneel down on the floor to pick up my scattered items. As I do I hear that familiar deep, silky voice. I look up and it’s James. He kneels down to help me pick up my things while profusely apologizing and introducing himself.

My heart starts to race and I can’t even look him in the eye. He offers his hand for a shake and as our hands touch I feel electricity move through my body like ripping waves and settle itself deep inside of me.

A slow flush creeps up my face once again and I hurry to gather everything including my ego off of the floor. I hear James talking to me but I can’t focus on the words because I am so distracted by his scent and allure. In a daze, I feel myself being interrupted once again and am propelled back to reality. I spring to my feet and quickly thank him for helping me. I turn to walk away but am stopped by the feeling of his hand lightly touching my arm. I turn back and he says “Wait I never got your name”. “My name is Raven Bloom.” He smiles at my brief introduction and I feel my face flush again.

“Raven, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have heard quite a bit about you and your talents in this department.” He pauses and then says something I didn’t expect.

“Raven, would you like to have lunch with me tomorrow? It’s my treat since I nearly knocked you over. Not to mention, I would love to get a feel for the department and the direction everyone is headed in. Also, I would love to hear about your latest project as the lead creative. I have heard a lot of buzz about it."

I smile at him, muster up my most confident non-chalant, "Yes", and walk away. As I reach my desk, I feel panic wash over me. Shit how am I going to get through this lunch meeting tomorrow? What am I going to wear? Shit! I need to call Nikkie.

To be continued...

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

5 Male Nude Paintings

Our resident artist, Rachael Milton loves art. And sex. We don't get to connect them much, but we think that sex and art goes hand in hand. We're trying to get more into our Tumblr page, so we're looking up awesome pages like the Beauty of Vagina's or Hot Men Reading Books. But what about artistic nudes? 

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Who doesn't want some beautiful nude eye candy through out their day? The art of the nude has been predominately focused on females throughout history, but when the male form does pop up it's a sight to see. From late-Baroque to Expressionism here are our Top 5 Sexy Male Nude Paintings:

Guido Cagnacci

Drunken Noah

Jacques-Louis David

Male Nude Known as Patroclus

Gustave Caillebotte

Man Drying His Leg

Egon Schiele

Self-portrait, Nude

Henri Matisse

Male Nude

Like I always say, the art museum is an undercover erotic palace that's perfect for dates! Take your significant other out to see the new Modern Wing at the Art Institute of Chicago, you'll be surprised at how sexy those modernist color blocks can be. Maybe you can even get away with tweaking the nipples on those hot roman statues they have, you never know!

Want to receive more amazing content like this?

Subscribe to the GetLusty Newsletter today!

This article is a guest post by our own marketing specialist, Rachael Milton. She spends her time researching and creating art revolving around sci-fi, the internet, and now sex! Rachael lives and works in Chicago with her sugoi boyfriend and kawaii pet guinea pig Tony Hawk. Find out more at rachaelmilton.net. Want to get in touch with her? Get in touch via rachael@getlusty.com.

Coupling: Learning Love After the Fall

This a heartfelt guest post by one of GetLusty's first gay writers, who we're very excited to introduce. JacoPhillip Crous talks about gay coupling and introduces our series to showcase more for our diverse audience.

Specifically, we'll have more articles and resources especially for gay and lesbian couples in long-term relationships & marriages of the heart and mind. Political marriages, too, if that's possible in your state or country. We do highly support gay marriage and support an end to marriage discrimination.

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Gay men and women partner up after – as most men and women do – falling in love. Falling in love is arguably as simple as falling off a log. No guidance is needed. There is nothing to learn, besides your own feelings, perhaps.

People can feel the fall; you meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical charge to fly you out over the precipice of your personal comfort zone where you get to know the other person, and these “together” experiences of “feeling each other out” increase in intensity until you find yourself saying, “I think I’m falling in love.”

When convinced it is the “real ting” we tell the other person, hoping this feeling is reciprocal. Perhaps we redouble our efforts to win the love of our beloved if the feeling is not shared. When it is reciprocal, then we launch into partnership, talking about making a commitment to each other because, despite what the socio-cultural mores are, everyone agrees that being “in love” is grounds on which to build a well-founded, committed relationship.

The euphoric chemical cascade of love mixes with all the myths that abound in our world; gay or straight, these erroneous beliefs are the powdered sugar frosting on the fairy tales we all want to live as our lives. We have been led to believe that “real” love lasts forever; nothing could ever come between us. Together, our love could never be overcome; our love is most wonderful, never to be bettered. We do see couples that seem to have lost that, but that will never happen to us.

Unfortunately, long-range research studies on the in-love phenomenon clearly show the eternality of our in-love experience to be fictitious. Reality lands on its feet. It intrudes upon our love. Down from cloud nine, we find our commitment to each other needs to hold out against Herculean odds.

It remains a world mostly hostile towards homosexual love, relationships, gay-coupling or marriage – whatever you want to call it. The loving commitment queer people share is predominantly considered freaky.

A gay man or woman comes to disillusionment and discontent in their partnership. The partner they once loved, like every other well-adjusted person on this planet, isn't perfect and he or she then feels angry and resentful. After all, “I was deceived!” said one client to me, “It wasn’t the real deal.” I do not think this is it. The problem is he and his partner, and many gay couples around the world, falters under the weight of faulty information just as straight marriages and relationships do. This false information is the idea that in-love obsession is eternal. Surely we should all know better, particularly as gay men and women who are more likely to have experienced personal development through life as “iffy”, so to speak.

The fanciful thinking that erroneous information causes does not mean that we are insincere in what we are thinking and feeling. It just means we are unrealistic, particularly when it comes to commitment intimacy and learning lasting love for our beloved once we both get up from falling in love.

Until more recently, gay relationship resources were not to be had for love nor money. Just the other day a gay client made my heart ache during our first communications with, “…like marriage counselling? But we are not married. Would that kind of thing help us?”

Gay couples guidance, or, as I like to refer to it, “coupling” provides a learning environment where the couple can explore the reality of their relationship. There are never only two ways: couples resign themselves to a miserable life with their respective partners, or throw in the towel. As part of a rainbow people, gay men and women understand that they often have to find their own way, make their own way, and compromise. In the same way, there is a spectrum in which gay couples can work it: we can find our way to a companionable relationship; we can create the parameters of our partnerships; and we know we can fight for our love with resolve.

So gay couples want to improve their knowledgeability for a self-help approach. Say, together seek the guidance of a professional, or engage with other couples in social forums on relationship building and development.

The internet is on its way to becoming a veritable cornucopia of gay relationship resources. The information alone, available to the gay community via the web, should help us recognize the in-love experience for what it was – ephemeral. Pursuing “real love” with our partner and spouse requires us to pick up the towel. It involves an act of will, requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal development and growth.

The basic human need is not to fall in love with someone, but to be authentically loved by another. Love grows out of learning, reason, and choice, not physiology and instinct. You, and every straight person, needs to be loved by another who chooses to love you, who sees in you something worth loving.

The effort and discipline of learning love after the temporary emotional high of falling in-love is choosing to commit to expending energy in an effort to benefit your beloved. Knowing that his or her life is enriched by this will bring you satisfaction. The satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. High stakes, high reward. Gay couples often feel all this guidance-to-learning-love-business is straight work. It is not.

Your human need for love, love after the fall, must be met if you are to have emotional health. But having to learn to love, “It seems so academic”, one lesbian client complained, “What emotional security do I get…how do I know that I am number one in her mind?”

That is what coupling, or gay couples guidance is all about: learning to couple and be together for each other, learning to love, learning to meet each other’s deep, emotional need to feel loved for the long haul. If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we learn to share for each other will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated.

GetLusty provides this opportunity to all couples, gay and straight. If you would like to know more, GetLusty resources are enriching the lives of people in committed relationships around the world, become one of the gay couples to GetLusty for one another and subscribe. http://getlusty.blogspot.com

I will bring more gay coupling information to you, and share the experiences my ‘husband’ of eight years and I brought to our life as a committed gay couple when we first sought out coupling guidance.

Get the lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well; do It safe.

Jacsman

He just started writing, but we're already so excited about JacoPhillip. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman.

He studies & consults on ecstatic & intimate psycho-sexual health & development, promoting & improving male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A sex educator, JacoPhillip Crous studies about and consults around male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeablity. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

How to Tell Your Lady You Want a Blowjob

OK, gentlemen. Last week we on how women can tell their partners they want oral sex. After the article was published we received comments from men asking what about them! How do they tell their woman they want head without being too pushy? Well, gentlemen here is your article! How to tell your woman you want head! Our Crimson Love reports.

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When it comes to oral sex sometimes there is just no good way to ask for it, You don't want to be too pushy or too overbearing. Here are some tips to asking your lucky lady!

#1 Provide incentive 

Make sure to stress the point that if your lady gives you head  you will be able to please her better. In a relationship selfish lovers never get very far. So, make sure that you both know that each other's pleasure is equally important.

#2 Be sweet about it

Sometimes women can be silly creatures and sometimes outside influences can have an affect on how we perform in bed and what we do.

Cook her dinner, take out the garbage, and get her in a more relaxed mood. When you take away some of the irritants and distractions of the day she can better focus on the nocturnal festivities.

#3 Ask her what she wants

Ask her what would make giving you head more enjoyable. From her answers you can get creative and make it fun or more interesting for her and she will be more willing to do it. If she says she would like your cock dipped in chocolate. Dip it! 

#4 Stroke her ego

When asking her for a blow job let her know you really enjoy her skills and the way she does things. Also, when she is getting busy let her know you like what's going on by moaning and being verbal.

We hope you get head, gents. If not, or if you have other sexual questions, please e-mail us directly. Get in touch with rachael@getlusty.com and we'll send your question to a professional who cares. You're not alone in sexual problems. We all have them, so share and we can help!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

10 Things Not To Say During Sex

Have you ever been hotter than a hot box, more turned on than a light switch and then your lover says something that just ruins it all? Yeah, us too. Let us at GetLusty present you with the list of top 10 things you should never say while having sex.

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1. "YOLO (You only live once)"

How about no! You are not a pubescent teenage boy or girl! Leave the YOLO to the youngsters.

2. "I'm going HAM"

For those of you who don't know what "HAM" means, it means "hard as a mother fucker. If you say this out loud chances you are not actually going HAM and you have delusions of actual sexual abilities.

3. "For The Win"

When you say this you don't come out a winner!

4. "That'll do pig, that'll do"

No it wont! Not unless you want to drive your partner to strangle you with hosiery.

5. "Take it you dirty whore"

Unless your partner is into this and unless you want to become single I wouldn't go there.  

6. " I farted"

Ok, we wish you didn't but we understand that sometimes it slips out. Don't make a big deal out of it and keep going.

7. "Hurry up already"

If you need to rush your partner, you must not have wanted it that much and I am sure they would be happy to stop at that point.

8. "It's ok. Everyone looks weird naked"  

Seriously? If you're trying to be supportive of your body conscious lover you just made their body issues worse.

9. "Do you take cash only?" 

It may have only been a joke but no one is laughing.

10. "It is complete!" 

What is complete? Now every man or woman worries that you just did something that can't be undone. Baby? Herpes?

Now, we want to hear from the readers out there! What are some things you have heard in bed that seriously turned you off?

With love from, Get Lusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.