How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

Original Adult Fiction: Office Tango

Erotic stories are pretty hot, don't you think? Yeah, us, too! Do you want to add a little steam to your Tuesday? Our Crimson Love is here to introduce a series of erotic stories with a little introduction to her characters. Here's another original piece of titillating fiction for your reading pleasure.

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The day has dragged on and it’s now 1:30pm. Time for the weekly Thursday meeting. I go to grab my raspberry iced tea and a handful of fruity hard candy because it’s the only thing that will keep me awake and get me through this monotonous bullshit.

Upon entering the boardroom, a deliciously arousing scent wafts in my path. It’s masculine, with woody notes and a hint of musk, a heady and addictive combination that has forced me to find the owner of this scent. I casually walk around the room and pretend to look for a seat all while trying to find the mysterious origin of my new addiction. It isn't long before we must all be seated for the start of the meeting.

After everyone is seated, Mr. Millwall welcomes everyone, and I am on my way to Lala Land thinking about the things I have to do when I get home. I'm going through my mental grocery list when my thoughts are interrupted by an eruption of applause.

At the exact same moment, that oh so intoxicating scent I failed to find the origin of, wafts right past me. I can only see the back of the owner of such deliciousness as he proceeds to the front of the room. Mr. Millwall introduces him as James O'Sullivan, the new head of the advertising department, my department.

He is tall and well dressed. He's in a grey Armani suit, with sandy, blonde, well coiffed hair, a goatee and sky-blue eyes. As he thanks everyone for the warm welcome I notice his voice is deep and smooth, like rich silk. It reverberates in the deepest, darkest spot of my body. He's so confident, witty and charming; commanding the room's attention with such ease. I can’t believe this man is my new boss.

When James has finished his little introductory speech he returns to his seat and that intoxicating scent liquefies my insides into a puddle of lust. As he sits, he catches my eye and flashes me a smile. I feel the heat of a flush creep up my face from my neck. I quickly look away because I fear my body would ignite if I stare any longer. For the rest of the meeting, I steal glances of James in between fantasizing about the wonderfully wicked things we could do together. Would he do that thing I've been dreaming about? Would he tie me up like I've wished?

It is now 3:30 PM and the meeting is over. People hastily leave but I pretend to take notes on the meeting papers to give myself time to steal one last glance at James. When I look up he is gone and I can't help but to note the tiny pang of disappointment in my gut. I quickly gather my things and as I start to walk to exit the boardroom my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a luscious feeling, and I shutter. I grab my phone to see who or what it is and it’s a text from my best friend, Nikkie. As I proceed to exit the room and read my message I am abruptly knocked off balance and everything I was holding spills to the floor. My papers, tea, and my phone, which is now in pieces, are scattered on the floor.

I mumble some obscenity and kneel down on the floor to pick up my scattered items. As I do I hear that familiar deep, silky voice. I look up and it’s James. He kneels down to help me pick up my things while profusely apologizing and introducing himself.

My heart starts to race and I can’t even look him in the eye. He offers his hand for a shake and as our hands touch I feel electricity move through my body like ripping waves and settle itself deep inside of me.

A slow flush creeps up my face once again and I hurry to gather everything including my ego off of the floor. I hear James talking to me but I can’t focus on the words because I am so distracted by his scent and allure. In a daze, I feel myself being interrupted once again and am propelled back to reality. I spring to my feet and quickly thank him for helping me. I turn to walk away but am stopped by the feeling of his hand lightly touching my arm. I turn back and he says “Wait I never got your name”. “My name is Raven Bloom.” He smiles at my brief introduction and I feel my face flush again.

“Raven, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have heard quite a bit about you and your talents in this department.” He pauses and then says something I didn’t expect.

“Raven, would you like to have lunch with me tomorrow? It’s my treat since I nearly knocked you over. Not to mention, I would love to get a feel for the department and the direction everyone is headed in. Also, I would love to hear about your latest project as the lead creative. I have heard a lot of buzz about it."

I smile at him, muster up my most confident non-chalant, "Yes", and walk away. As I reach my desk, I feel panic wash over me. Shit how am I going to get through this lunch meeting tomorrow? What am I going to wear? Shit! I need to call Nikkie.

To be continued...

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

A Foray Into Foot Fetishism: a Story

Some think that having a foot fetish is weird. We think it's totally normal from a kinky perspective. And we think being kinky is hot! That's why we love stories about how individuals get involved with these. We're not just about how-to's. Though we'd love to present a how-to do a foot job (think hand job with your feet). Again, try to put away your bias of the foot fetish for now. Just read with an open mind.

Here is a personal essay from Portia Blush, who writes extensively on BDSM and Kink. This is a story of how Portia got into foot fetishes, and how she's using it to her advantage years later.

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My first personal experience with foot worship came a few years before I delved into the BDSM world. I used to be a regular at showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show on 8th Street in Manhattan when I first went to college in the early 90′s, and one of my fellow regulars, part of the group that took me in and quickly made me a part of their crew, loved feet. And when I say he loved feet, I mean he LOVED feet!

He loved watching me wiggle my toes, he got doe-eyed watching me arch my foot to stretch and point my toes, and as soon as I became aware of this through keen observation, I would do them more obviously in his presence. The not quite matured Dominant aspect of my nature thoroughly enjoyed this. I reveled in the thought that it was erotically torturous for him to watch me, and I took advantage of this whenever I could. It helped that I had an interest in him sexually, as sexuality ties heavily into D/s for me. In short, they are inextricably linked for me. Well, maybe not in all cases, but usually 95% of the time anyway.

The object of his affection: my feet

Soon, as he became comfortable with me, and aware that we shared a mutual attraction, I allowed this aspect of our relationship to grow. I remember one night where he literally massaged and rubbed my stocking feet for what seemed like an hour before one show.

I was somewhat repulsed by it at first, as I knew my tired, stocking-clad tootsies were definitely not the most pleasant smelling. Oh, but that was just like icing on the cake for him, as he totally got off on stinky feet, and the more it smelled like you had been walking around all day, the better! I wouldn’t even want to be near my feet after that, but to each his own. Good on ya, mate!

Another night I even allowed him to suck my toes and lick my feet. I know some women actually find this feeling erotic, no fetish included, but then, to me, it just felt weird. It certainly did nothing for me sexually, but he really enjoyed it, and so I acquiesced to his desire, as it certainly wasn’t a deal breaker. I suppose I should’ve looked at it like getting a foot massage with a mouth. I had another experience with my toes being sucked by a lover just a year or so ago, and um, let’s just say under the right circumstances, I think my toes have tiny clits on them, but I digress.)

My roots of foot fetishism

A few years later as I forayed into my experience with BDSM, I began to learn that this form of fetish had its roots in submission. Myself, a dominant female or mistress if you please, became well aware that my stiletto-sporting feet were in high demand by submissive men with foot fetishes. I intended to milk this fetish for all it was worth. And when I say worth, I mean I saw dollar signs.

I was not alone in my ingenuity either! My partner in crime and best friend, Domina Blue, saw the monumental eBay potential to be gleamed. She was not only a Domina like me, but shared my eBay obsession as well. Blue encouraged me to list my well-worn stockings, socks, high heels, and even busted-out old sneakers for auction. Alas, eBay didn’t like such auctions, and quickly cancelled them despite overwhelmingly rapid bidding response! Apparently the selling of erotically marketed used clothing did not jive with their policies. Foiled again. I’d expect a little more from a company from California, land of the “out there”!


eBanned: Did you know about it?

Ah, thank you, eBanned! eBanned is the cleverly created “adult only” auction site for all things fetish that are not allowed on eBay.

Smelly socks? Worn panties? Trashed out high heels? You name it, you can sell, or buy it, on eBanned. Honestly, you’re just going to throw out your old socks, so why do that when you can sell them to some foot-sniffing, sock lover for $20, who will love them in his own special way? And please don’t think me callus in that statement, as those loving footboys understand what a true pleasure it is that I allowed them.

Green & erotic

It’s not only a no-brainer as far as the profit margins go, but it’s also the most cleverly concealed form of recycling ever devised! And who doesn’t care about the environment these days, right? I was such an innovator in the realm of “repurposing” back then, and I didn’t even realize it. And hey, it’s like getting your shoes for free, because once you have worn them enough that you need new ones, you can end up selling your beat up heels for anywhere from half, up to what they originally cost you, or more! I sold a pair of 6″ red patent, ankle strap, stilettos that I had worn out for $85+ to a guy from Germany! They cost me less than half that. 

Of course it’s not just the object itself, but the symbolism behind it, as well as the scent infused in it. To smell your feet, see the wear and imagine your perfect feet carving a path across a crowded room as all eyes fell on you, and imagine the life you lived in them as they worship every aspect of your Goddesshood; that, it’s that those footboys desire. It could be a high heel, a sneaker, a cute cotton athletic sock, or the sexiest pair of silk stockings. It’s whatever their proclivity is, whatever fantasy you choose to weave, and whatever piece of your world you deem them fit to enjoy the morsel of.

I call that a win/win, don’t you?

This was originally posted to her blog erogenoUS.

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

Top 9 Traits for a Submissive

Everyone at GetLusty hopes you all are learning as much as possible during our Fifty Shades of Grey September!

If you haven't already read our articles on Negotiation 101 and Getting Started with BDSM, please do so! We want you to be as knowledgeable about BDSM as possible, so you can have fun and be safe!

This post was written by Master Anakin from Journey to the Darkside, a blog about Anakin's and Padme's BDSM relationship (with a Star Wars twist).

Without adieu, the top 9 traits for a submissive in a BDSM relationship.

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1. Submissive

As a general trait, a submissive isn't asking to be a submissive, they just are. That's the way there are wired. If it isn't there, if that isn't how you feel at heart; if you just don't feel that way towards dominant people, it just won't work.


2. Open

A submissive has to open themselves up to the Dominant's world; they'll be asked and taught to move towards growth and learning new things. But, change can be frightening. There has to be a core willingness to accept the dominant and what they profess is good for you.

3. A sense of humor

See #12 from the dominant list. It's okay to laugh at your dominant when he slips on they KY; and at yourself when you slip. On the other hand, it isn't okay when he's given an order and you know you've been terrible. It's not likely to draw a great deal of sympathy as the dominant orders you to bend over.

4. Responsive

A submissive who claims to be responsive, but is unwilling to listen to the Dominant, and who is convinced that they are the perfect submissive (that they've done nothing wrong ever and that they have nothing to learn) will never grow.

5. Communicative  

A submissive is constantly communicating her needs with or without the dominant's requests for information on how she's feeling and doing.

6. Intelligence 

If the submissive knows nothing about submission (through reading and talking with others), if they can't figure out what they want, if they can't understand or fathom why they are being asked to undergo training, then no amount of explaining from the dominant will penetrate or be helpful.

7. Emotional awareness 

A submissive needs to be aware of how she is feeling, for she is asking and asked to endure a great deal. A good submissive is even aware of how the dominant is feeling. They are aware of the often complimentary and conflicting emotions; loving the pain and being turned on from a good spanking.

8. Strong

As I tell my Padme, it takes more strength to be a submissive by far than to be a dominant. The submissive is asked to endure more, to grow more, to learn more, on a consistant basis, than the dominant. If the submissive is unable to gather the strength to tell a dominant that they aren't doing something right, if they can't challenge something someone says in conversation, then they won't make a good submissive. A good submissive isn't a doormat that just accepts. My submissive is a submissive to me, not the rest of the world. There will be times they need to be strong, and when that time comes they will be.

9. Desire

A submissive is wanting to give up a lot of her freedom's for the benefits of submission; they ask a lot of themselves in order to even ask for this, let alone live it on a daily basis. They've got to want it or they wont be able to stick with it and they will resist it until something gives. They've got to want it even when the dominant is lacking; if they are a true submissive, that fire to be submissive may flicker, but it will never die.

This was a guest-post from Anakin and Padme Amidala at Journey to the Dark Side. Their blog explores their life together, BDSM, erotic imagery, polyamory, and their true sexual and spanking adventures...with an awesome Star Wars theme! Anakin and Padme have been together for 15 years and married for 7 of them.

Gags & Clips 101 for #SexToyTuesday

It's #SexToyTuesday. Need some ideas to rev up your love life? Ellen is here to the sexual rescue with some toys that you can add into your bedroom for the ultimate pleasure thrill!

Last week it was smacks and whips, this week is gags and clips! That's right, we dare you to go into that exquisite realm of bondage, pain, and most of all pleasure.

Going along with our Fifty Shades of Grey September, this sex toy round up is all about sensuous torture. Restraints, nipple clamps, ball gags, oh my! And all brought to you by the sinfully sexy Pinkcherry!

This is another great article by our own Ellen Dukes.

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Nipple clamps

First up are the infamous nipple clips or clamps. As you may remember from this month's inspiration, Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, nipple clamps are a favorite in bondage play. Whether it's sucking, pinching, prodding, or pulling the nipples, clamps are meant to flirt with the painful side of pleasure. Don't let the discomfort angle scare you off readers. Nipple clips can be perfectly harmless, especially for beginners, when used correctly.

Also, remember, both sexes have nipples, so this needn't be for the women only. When picking out a nipple product, you can test the strength on your finger or even better, the flesh of your arm, which is fairly sensitive. A good rule of thumb is that if it hurts your finger, your nipple is not going to be happy. Definitely work up to the stronger clamps if that's your goal- it can be done.

For beginners, I would suggest a sucking type of clamp like Pinkcherry's Mini Nipple Suckers as foreplay to stimulate them to full attention. It's easy to use (simply squeeze and let go on the nipple). If you are up for something more, try either My First Nipple Clamps or Nipplettes Vibrating Nipple Clamps.

Both vibrate wirelessly (which can help intensify the pressure in a good way), are waterproof, and, best of all, fully adjustable for whichever kind of level you are at. Pairing some trusty nipple clamps with restraints (and heck, throw in a blindfold!) will work superbly as torture play. Tease, tease, and tease your partner some more with the exquisite pressure of nipple clamps. They will definitely bring out your naughtier side.

Blind folds

Next, is the realm of sensory deprivation.
It may sound like a small and simple item,
but a blindfold can make a word of difference.
Covering your or your lover's eyes creates
a vunerability that can be quite thrilling.

You don't know what caress or lick will go where or when, creating a sensual tension. Plus, with a good quality blind fold dampening your sight, other sensations will take charge with a vengeance.

Try covering your lovers eyes while whispering something very naughty into his/her ear. Or, even better, both strip to the buff, make sure the blind is secure, and surprise them by ravishing different parts of their body, or rubbing parts of yours all over them. Especially paired with your favorite restraint (which I'll definitely hit later) blindfolds can be a surprisingly new way to spice up your usual love making.

Most any cloth material will work as a makeshift blindfold, but I would suggest Pinkcherry's Plushy Gear Lover's Eye Mask. It's soft, dark, and molds to your face making each wear comfy with all the sexy benefits of sensory deprivation.

Restraints

Restraints can also heighten that sexual tension. Whether they be the cool metal of handcuffs (please, do make sure you have the key!), the flexibility of rope, or the simplicity of sheets tied to the bedpost, restraining a lover is a whole new world of love making.

But first things first, some safety tips.

Have an exit: Make sure you both are comfortable with untying the knot or unlocking the cuff. I doubt sexy times can happen without an exit. Of course, intercourse can definitely take place whilst restrained, but when one partner is not quite as into it, or the fun times are over, release has a whole other meaning.

Too tight or just right?: This is a biggie: watch how tightly you knot the material or cuff. Cutting off circulation can get pretty unsexy in a hurry. So if you or your partner feel any numbness, pain, or strain in the tied limb, speak up so the restraint can be released. Having a mutual safety word as well as trying a few practice knots on yourself can get you up to par and ready for a real session.

Once you're a-ok with ropes, cuffs, or whatever you're using, get ready to tease your partner until they beg for more! For beginners, I would suggest using either Pinkcherry's Fetish Fantasy Bed Bindings or the Beginner's Bondage Fantasy Kit. Both have very user friendly restraints (the bed bindings doesn't even need a post or headboard!) to ease you into your bondage fantasies.

Are you or your partner successfully restrained? Now, tease your way up and down their body, varying the pressure and consistency of your touches or (even better) licks. Incorporate food (just watch out for sugary substances in the vagina, yeast infections are not fun) or other toys. Even your most steadfast vibrator can turn into a whole new experience once you're in control. I highly advise using a blindfold and using ice on the most sensitive area. Go between the shocking cold of the ice and the intimate warmth of your mouth for a real treat.

Gags


Though there is very real potential for drool with this torture device, I say go for it! Another deprivation is speech. When you can't tell your lover what you want, you must rely on moans, groans, and body language. The gag can be a major prop in role playing.

Try some rougher play, with restraints and even a blindfold. The gag is meant to be power play, so maybe a game of sex slave for the afternoon with your lover on hands and knees with the ball gag and nothing else. Or the classic break-in situation, with a burglar restraining and gagging the unsuspecting victim before ravaging their body. It's completely up to you.

As for products, try the Beginner Ball Gag to see if you like the feel. This gag is tapered towards the back to keep the jaw from opening too wide, making for a more comfortable experience. Those looking for more should consider stepping up to the Spider Gag. Just make sure you keep proper hygiene in safely washing these toys, since they are going in your mouth. Many are silicone, rubber, latex, or metal, so easily washable, or even bleachable.

With your gag, simply insert into your/your partner's mouth, adjust the strap, and there you go. Some more complicated gags have different parts, metal bits, or can be adjusted in multiple fashions. Also, since a safety word will be harder understand, be sensitive to each others body language, as it will indicate what they're feeling. Overall, make sure you're comfortable with the gag and then unleash your wilder fantasies.


This is a guest post by GetLusty writer, Ellen Dukes. Though Ellen Dukes is not an ethical slut (a damn respectable title, she'll have you know), her curiosity, openness, and the indefatigable search engine Google have lead her to a 21st century sex education.

A Chicagoan, you may see Ellen enjoying the delights of her deeply loving relationship with her boyfriend. Have a naughty story? She's heard naughtier, but tell her all the same at ellen@getlusty.com. She's a wannabe sexpert with years of porn viewing, listening to sex stories, and textbook browsing just waiting to put this knowledge to wonderful use.

Sexual Negotiation 101

Negotiation before and during sex can be tricky but absolutely essential. Aren't experienced in the art of kink? A newbie at sexual communication? We think consensual sex is the hottest kind, and that's why we're writing on the importance of negotiation for newbies. This article is by Jean-Luc Gothos, who is an avid lover of kink and negotiation.

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It’s something that will always be a part of kink, BDSM and even non-kink encounters. Put your likes and dislikes on the table, and and honest to sexual communication improves all aspects of sex. This is the real key here; honest communication.  My perspective is slightly different then others. I generally only have committed partners, I don’t have one night stands or uncommitted relationships.

For the couples out there, these recommendations are just as important if they're trying new things out sexually or changing their sexual routine. Change requires conversation and negotiation!

These are ways that I've used negotiation. The way you use negotiation might be slightly different, especially in your communication style. Nevertheless, I'm sure you could use my experiences to learn about negotiation in your own love life.

Start of with, "hard limits"

Negotiation is an evolving process. It’s something that is always just a little different each time. It is always good to start with, "hard limits." Hard limits are the “No fucking way. Not for a million dollars!" things that you will not do. 

For example in the adult industry, some individuals will keep certain sex acts off limits. Why? They only want certain acts for themselves and/or their partners or they just aren't into it.

Ask & answer questions

For example, anal sex. Are you into anal or do you just have no interest in ass play of any kind? Pain, needles, electricity play.

What are your stances on such play? Do you enjoy being tied up and used, or do you like to be the one in charge? These are the questions you’ll have to be asking yourself and your partner. Once you have talk about all of that now it’s time to move onto the fun stuff.

Have a safe word

Now there is another more on-the-fly type of negotiation. This includes the yes/no form of negotiation. This type of negotiation takes place when your verbal skills have left because you have your partner pinned against a wall. 

During sex, you can always communicate with your partner saying stop with the safe word. For instance, if things are going to quickly and you want to stop, just use your safe word. 

Likely, naked sexy things are happening at a fast pace. Your not thinking as much as acting, and your partner is just giving a yes or no answers.  Why? You’re both just so caught up in the sexual energy that’s being exchanged. This is perfectly fine for established couples, however for first time encounters it is best to hold off and really take the time for real communication to happen. 

There you have it, a simple starter guide to negotiation, I’d highly recommend The Loving Dominate, The New Topping Book, and the New Bottoming Book all of which go into much more detail into the negotiation process. 

Jean-Luc Gothos is our resident pansexual geek. He's founder on Mindchaotica. He is also very active on Twitter, Facebook, G+, and Tumblr. I’m also a writer for Life On The Swingset, Kink~E Magazine, and he also reviews sex toys on EdenFantasys and writes for their sex positive online publication SexIs Social.

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