How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

Why We Love Freud

We often think about sex. Why? Sex is one of those instinctual urges. This is an idea Sigmund Freud talked about frequently. Shannon Ray is here to talk about why Freudian ideas and Freud himself influences sex today.

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Sex through history

Throughout history, sex has played a major role. Wars have been started due to it; think Helen of Troy. Clothing has been designed to hide it; think Victorian era or to enhance it; think rubber, leather and latex. The type of beer and automobile we purchase are due to hidden sexual messages in advertisements. Even the expression "getting laid" dates back to the customers of a 1900’s Chicago bordello the "Everleigh Club". ("I’m going to get Everleighed tonight.") Some feel that our very existence comes down to simply getting laid, that sex is the primary motivation for our existence.

Freud's sexual theories

Sigmund Freud was one of those people. His belief was that everything we do is in relation to sex. Case in point: Being a pet owner shows the "softer" side of one's persona: a caretaker, a giver. We earn a paycheck to show that we are stable and able to provide. We shower and brush our teeth, and practice good general hygiene to attract others to us.

Even though there are some of us who choose not to mate, we are inherently sexual creatures. In the end, it’s all smoke and mirrors to attract someone into our “sexual web." Sex is wired into our brains- whether we like it our not.

In situations, difficult or not, we get defensive about those three little letters: S E X. No matter your social class, income level, gender role or credit history- sex is a part of our lives. Either we are not getting enough or we are getting too much. It’s either too kinky or too vanilla for our taste buds. Our partners are either too fast on the draw or too slow for words. Sex rarely seems to be just right. But when it is, it’s the equal to a starvation diet that ends with a buffet. It’s the best we ever had and we’re not too proud to beg for more. And though you may not agree with Freud or me we both have a point:

In the end, is sex the reason? Give it a moment and think about it.

Thinking about primping

How vigilant would we be in our primping ritual if sex weren’t the wanted result in the end? Would a Stairmaster really be a high priority if no one were there to watch our asses? That last piece of pizza or cheese Danish would be finished off with a smile instead of a dismal sigh while calculating calories. And even when we do get the prize, is it really worth it? Wouldn’t all this be much easier if we purchased a vibrator and lived like we wanted to?

Let’s take for example a typical relationship (which in the end is really just code for wanting sex on a regular basis):

You meet and are freshly groomed from your non-showing roots atop your head to your freshly painted toenails. You’re on your best behavior; all the time your hormones are in overdrive. The courting process has officially begun. This means that you must wear only your sexiest underwear, shave and moisturize your legs, and carry extra breath mints in the purse that you never used to carry. (Because, as everyone knows, you need to look both sexy and organized when trying to get laid.) You’re beyond witty, beyond charming, beyond anything you’ve ever been. This is no ordinary persona, this is “super you”. This is your “gonna get me some” self.

Finally the big night arrives. You’ve polished, waxed, shaved, trimmed, and tweezed as much as possible. There are enough candles to light a small village. Hours have been spent cleaning the entire house- just in case there’s a pre-sex inspection.

Soon the fresh sheets are no more. The sex monster has beckoned and you have answered the call. All the time, wishing you had checked your caller ID prior to answering. Soon enough, you’ll be wearing your faded flowered underwear instead of the black thong. Your roots will be showing, proving that you’re really not that true blonde, brunette or redhead. Some dismiss this as the “groove” of a relationship. But let’s face some facts. The let down has happened, the sexual conquest is over and it wasn’t much to write home about. And all that’s left are some melted candles and stale breath mints.

Before long, we’ll be primping ourselves and be back on the prowl. And none the wiser for we never really learned our lessons. If we luck out tonight, it’s back to scrubbed walls and organizational clutches. If not, I suggest investing in a vibrator and a brownie or two.

Shannon Ray has been interested and active around sex blogging for years. She loves talking, thinking about and researching sex. So, of course, she's the perfect GetLusty writer!

“I was raised by a tribe of drag queens. They taught me how to be fierce with a pen and lip-gloss,” often jokes writer Shannon Andrews-Ray. Having dated both sexes for nearly 15 years, Shannon gives an ‘Alice through the Looking Glass’ spin on the often hilarious mating habits of both men and women, through her various incarnations of her dating columns. “Love’s Frosting” is her most recent tumble. Want to get in touch? E-mail her here.

"Mindfulness" as Sex Therapy

 Being mindful of your sexuality and even your emotions benefits your personal development. Meditation is healing. Sex is also healing. So, why wouldn't they both help sexual trauma or difficulties? How about channeling that mindfulness into your sexuality? GetLusty advocate, sexologist and sex therapist, Dr. Jenn reports.

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Boring sex? Pain during intercourse? Distracted in bed? Sex addiction? No desire to get it on? Is it possible that all these sexual concerns and sex problems could have the same remedy? Yes, and that remedy is the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is an awareness skill of being present in the moment, with your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. It is noticing the present moment and – here’s the kicker – not judging what you notice. The health benefits of mindfulness are profound: stress reduction, decline in anxiety, depression relapse prevention, overcoming addiction, and reducing chronic pain, not to mention greater happiness and fulfillment in life.

Researchers are also delving into the sexual realm to see how mindfulness can improve sex lives. Although little research has been done so far, it seems to be beneficial for women with low desire, vulva pain, and emotional distress from past sexual trauma. There is anecdotal evidence that it is valuable for sex “addiction,” erectile dysfunctions, and boredom.

I’ve been integrating mindfulness-based practices into my sex therapy and couples counseling work for several years because I think it’s the foundation for all personal growth.

Do you freak out with jealousy if your boyfriend receives a text from another woman? Mindfulness can help break that automatic pattern. Are you distracted during sex by your bulging belly or your long to-do list? Mindfulness skills keep you grounded in the moment and release such mind chatter. Integrating little daily practices of mindfulness can make these big brain changes.

I have mindfulness on my brain more than usual this week, because I just went to a sex conference this weekend. Its not as sexually titillating as it may sound, but it will be intellectually titillating. At this 2012 annual conference for AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) in Austin, TX, I will be speaking on “Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body: Improving Sex Lives Through Mindfulness.” My take home message for the audience? Mindfulness is the new sexy.

This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's sex & love blog series. Check it out the Mindfullness post here.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

3 Reasons Premarital Sex is Absolutely Essential

GetLusty is all about having better sex and making stronger relationships. Why don't we just talk about married couples? Because not all couples in long-term relationships are married, and that's OK. For us, marriage is both by the heart and by the law. So you might be in a loving homosexual relationship and marriage isn't even an option. Either way, sex is a very important part of relationships. Our Crimson Love explains why.

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Growing up, I am sure most of our parents told us not to have sex before marriage. It just wasn't what good boys and girls do. We were supposed to wait until we fell in love and found "the one". Sounds so romantic and sweet doesn't it? Well, let me just say that I am the child of divorced parents. My mother waited for marriage to have sex only to get divorced 36 years later because she was a lesbian. Needless to say, waiting until marriage thing became invalid very quickly.

Live together & learn about each other

In this day and age, with 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce, it seems like you would want to test drive the care before you buy it! Before you marry someone, living together lets people understand their partners inside and out. Of course, this may make or break relationships. But it should! This means you weren't meant to be together in the first place.

Catch onto their bad habits like drinking out of the milk jug, leaving their dirty socks around, not washing dishes for days or otherwise. You don't want to be married for 2 years and then get divorced because you couldn't stand how messy someone was. Anyway, divorce likely wasn't because of their messiness, but a whole variety of reasons. Divorce happens for reasons like money or sex problems, for example.

Sex should be positive and normal

Secondly, sex is a very big part of any normal, healthy, adult relationship. Why should we be ashamed of having this loving act with an individual who we aren't technically, "married" to?

What is sex, anyway? It's meant as a means for two people to connect to each other and enjoy each other in the most organic of ways. Some even avoid certain kinds of sex before marriage because that ensures they're still, "pure". Think oral sex or anal sex. What? That's insane.

On the flip side, if your lover is bad in bed and you're never satisfied, the relationship is bound for failure. If you test drive that car before buying, you can avoid a bad a situation and heartbreak. While we don't think, necessarily, bad sex should end in divorce, that can happen.

Sex enhances intimacy

Lastly, sex and other erotic activities are good for intimacy. In an earlier article, I wrote about the importance of intimacy in relationships. It's a building block for strong relationships. You're being romantic with each other, enjoying the time together, exploring each other, and testing each others limits. These are all extremely important for healthy relationships.

Have fun and remember that sex in relationships is important. It can actually help you make a more informed decision about the person you decide to spend your future with. Have kids? Talk with them about sex in a positive way. Don't worry, we'll help. We'll be offering sex positive parenting advice very soon.

With love from GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

My Favorite Things: Sex Slang for Giggles

Need to add some more slang words to you sex vocabulary? Forget the dictionary! Nadine Thornhill from Adorkable Undies is here with a post on some of her favorite sexy slang terms for our nether regions.

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Tonight I’m facilitating a session on sex positivity for some new volunteers at work. My favorite part of the lesson involves an activity called “penis vulva arm."  The group must come up with as many euphemisms/slang terms for each body part. It’s no holds-barred. Participants are encouraged to throw out any word no matter how cheesy, inappropriate or potentially offensive it might be.

We write all the words on large sheets of paper. Invariably, there are dozens of words for both penis and vulva, while the record for “arm” stands at four. The purpose of the exercise is to illustrate how many words we’ve created to describe the sexual parts of our bodies and how, to some extent, the breadth of language exists as a way to avoid speaking about sex directly.

While I agree that speaking in anatomically correct terms without blushing furiously is a good thing, I must confess that I do have fun with less formal sex-talk in certain contexts. Here, for your consideration, are some of my favorite sexy slang terms:

Vulva: Cunt. The Lion.

Clitoris: Clit

Vagina: Vag. Inside me/her.

Penis: Cock

Testicles: Balls. (I’m trying to break my habit of saying “balls!” to express disappointment, as I like balls/testicles quite a bit. “pants!” is the my new “balls!”)

Scrotum: Ball sack

Breasts: Boobs (in casual conversation). Tits (in sexy situations)

Butt: Ass. Booty.

Semen: Jizz

Vaginal lubrication: Va-Jizz

Penetrative Sex: Fuck(ing)

Spanking: Ass slap

Fellatio: Going down. Sucking cock.

Cunnilingus: Use/using your mouth (The term “eating out” just doesn’t make sense to me.)

Anal Sex: Ass fuck(ing)

Masturbation: Wanking. Taking Care Of Business.

When it comes to sex words, do you have some preferred slang terms or do you like to straight up tell it like it is? Comments are open so don’t be shy. Speak up!

This was originally posted at Adorkable Undies, Nadine Thornhill's lovely blog.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy. She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants.

Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her on Facebook and Pinterest.

Ladies! Multiple Orgasms 101

It's no secret that GetLusty For Couples loves vulva's, the clitoris and the vagina. Gosh, we love all areas of our female bodies! So when we have the chance to publish an article on multiple orgasms. Well, we're tickled. Anne Brown, of the Enlightened Sexpot, is back with more orgasmic writing. What about? You guessed it, orgasms! In honor of Orgasm October which is just around the corner, she is here to discuss the mystery of multiple orgasms.

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Some canny readers may have noticed that I alluded to the totally awesome ability for vagina-owners to experience multiple orgasms in my last post on clitoral orgasms.

If you said, “Oh yes, multiple orgasms, please!” when I mentioned an orgasm in which “you don’t want to short-change the zings,” guess what Holmes? You win. Why? Because it only dawned on me a week later that the phrase “multiple orgasms” even applied in that situation.

The ability to have multiple orgasms was kind of on a pedestal in my brain. I thought that being “multi-orgasmic” was some special trick that only the real experts could master. The problem with this–and anything sexual on a pedestal (see the Cosmo article Multiple O’s: Why One Orgasm is Never Enough)– is that “multiple orgasms” then are only special because they can’t belong to just anyone.

Fuck the pedestal, guys. Multiple orgasms, virginity, whatever, the things are special if you have made your own personal choice to decide that they are special for you. I’ve said this already: every sexual experience that gives an individual pleasure is legitimate. If you’re not having multiple orgasms, you’re not “missing out”. That said, if you’re interested in how they work and/or how your favorite vagina(s) can feel more than one orgasm in a session, keep reading!

For penises

Before we begin: penis-owners, I haven’t forgotten you. I just need to get my hands on this book and do a little other research before I can write anything more in-depth about the penis’s ability to have multiple orgasms, which involve learning to orgasm without ejaculating (they are actually already separate things– in many male bodies it’s normal to feel the orgasm begin before ejaculation starts).

When penises ejaculate with orgasm, there follows what is called a, "refractory period" in which they become not interested in sex. This refractory period varies in time from person to person and will change with age, libido, stress, etc. Vaginas might ejaculate sometimes, but they don’t have refractory periods. Some clits feel painful when touched right after orgasm, but this isn’t an actual physiological refractory period–it’s just a clitoris that is really sensitive at the time.

Even that painful clitoris is capable of being stimulated to orgasm (if done very carefully with permission). Just like with one orgasm, all pussies are completely physically capable of having multiples, it’s just a matter of whether or not that particular pussy has discovered the best way to do it yet.

Debunking Cosmo

That Cosmo article I linked to earlier is only disguising itself as helpful, and I hope you didn’t read it before reading this.

First of all, the title puts pressure on the reader to want and work towards multiple orgasms, even if there is vague do-what-feels-good language inside the article.

Second, multiple orgasms are only talked about in the context of heterosexual penis-in-vagina intercourse, and it asserts that oral sex before intercourse and/or lots and lots of penis-thrusting are the “most common” ways that vaginas have multiple orgasms. Talk about being scared of maybe girls getting pleasure not from their “man”.

It sets itself up with a faux-cutesy “sorry, dudes– girls totally have you beat because we can have multiple orgasms” attitude that the author may have thought was empowering. I don’t feel good when I make other people feel not as adequate and/or give erroneous information so, Cosmo go away. The only good information in this piece was the definition of two different types of multiple orgasms that vagina-owners can experience: sequential and serial.

Sequential and serial orgasms 

Sequential multiple orgasms are orgasms that are only seconds apart– they are, in fact, what I was talking about when I said do not stop doing whatever you are doing because of the zings, etc. As a reminder and to qualify: these types of orgasms, which feel like one extended zig-zag of wantwant-orgasm!-wantwant-orgasm! to infinity and beyond, happen when the person in question is really super-aroused and there has been lots and lots and lots of foreplay (“of her choice”, thanks Wikipedia!).

This could potentially happen with lots of penis-thrusting for the high-estimate 30% of female bodies who come from vaginal intercourse alone, but for the vast majority, extra-thrustular stimulation will be involved. Dr. Ruth’s Encyclopedia of Sex (informative, not always as inclusive/ sex-positive as I would like) cites a couple of big-name studies in which average women experienced up to 50 sequential orgasms using vibrators. Tongues and fingers are also great, duh.

Serial multiple orgasms happen a few minutes apart, and vagina-owners get to demonstrate their ability to rapidly move through the human sexual response cycle of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution. While sequential orgasms bounce between plateau (wantwant) and orgasm (!), the experience of serial multiple orgasms allows a longer period to pass–one to several minutes– between each orgasm, and the entire cycle repeats itself. Re-excitement through a continuation of foreplay activities before the resolution phase totally sets in, leads to another plateau and then an orgasm. It might be a different-feeling orgasm than the last one, but that still “counts” as a multiple, just like having goal-oriented “I-want-an-orgasm-of-this-type” sex still “counts” as “not being fully appreciative of your/your partner’s body."

Qualities of those who have multiple orgasms

The 50-orgasm women in the studies cited by Dr. Ruth all had one thing in common: what seemed to be a “healthy, uninhibited sexuality”.

If I extrapolate correctly, this means that they didn’t feel shame about what they wanted or were experiencing, that they felt they were in a safe place where they didn’t need to have their guard up. If they were alone my guess would be that they stayed focused on themselves, had positive thoughts about their pleasure, and saw the experience as an exploration, not an achievement.

Additionally, if they were with a partner, this partner was probably someone that had made them to feel safe; feel cared about; someone who believed that their pleasure was important and not something “extra” or something to get out of the way. Truly “uninhibited” sex isn’t crazy sex where everyone does everything (necessarily), but instead sex in which a person and their partner feel connected to and totally accepting of themselves and the other. This kind of sex can and does happen with both strangers and married people: it’s all about the individual attitudes involved.

Did you know that anyone can have an orgasm? Like really, really anyone? Like even people with paralysis or who have experienced genital mutilation can learn to have orgasms through non-genital stimulation? I don’t want to say that “anyone” can have multiple orgasms because I don’t have enough information, but with the knowledge that anyone can experience orgasm it seems like it’s possible. Bodies and brains are awesome. I’m so glad I have my very own one of each.

References:

• Westheimer, Dr. Ruth (1994). ”Dr. Ruth’s encyclopedia of sex”. New York, Continuum.
• Ryan, Christopher and Jethá, Calcida (2010). ”Sex at dawn: How we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships”. New York, Harper Collins
• Go Ask Alice (Columbia advice column)
• Healthcentral.com Multiple Orgasms
• Human Sexual Response Cycle via Wikipedia
• Refractory Period (sex) via Wikipedia

Check out the original post The Enlightened Sexpot.


Anne blogs from her base in Boston as The Enlightened Sexpot and works at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI.

Originally from Seattle, she studied Spanish and Latin American literature/film/art at Dartmouth College while also obtaining a teaching certificate in Kindergarten- 8th grade.

In addition to her interest in any and all things sex-related, Anne is a huge NPR nerd, book nerd, and an enthusiastic spin class participant. You can follow her on twitter @shinysex and also check out her blog, the Enlightened Sexpot.

Tomorrow! Blowjob 101 at Early to Bed

Early to Bed is an awesome feminist sex toy store in Chicago. They recently celebrated their 10th anniversary! In addition to being an awesome, they also have workshops, oh my. This is one of it's most in-demand workshop yet; a class focused on blowjobs, male anatomy, and women's feelings about them.

After a brief lesson on pleasure points Early to Bed will move on to instructions for what makes a stellar handjob and then techniques to give a mind-blowing blowjob, all without gagging or getting a sore jaw!

You'll even learn how to put a condom on without using your hands! This is a fun class that takes sexual pleasure seriously. Come prepared with any questions you have about head, and leave a fellatio all-star. Great for any woman who wants to be more confident in her man-pleasuring skills.


Instructor: Rebecca Steinmetz has enthusiastically been a sex educator for Early to Bed since 2003. She has created and presented numerous workshops on everything from flirting to strap-on sex.

She has presented at venues including universities such as Columbia, University of Chicago and Northwestern, Lawrence College in New York, LGBTIQ organizations, activist collectives and non-profit agencies. She has an undergraduate degree in Gender Studies from DePaul University and an MSW from the University of Chicago. Her sex ed related work has been featured in The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Reader, TimeOut Chicago and Eight-Forty-Eight on Chicago Public Radio.

When: Thursday, September 27th

Where: Early to Bed 5232 N Sheridan Rd Chicago, IL


Time: 8PM

Ticket price: Register online $20 per person, $35 if you register yourself and a friend, and $15 for low income attendees and students. Reservations are required. Purchase tickets here.

This workshop is for women-identified folks only.

Check out Early to Bed on the map below.

Add Spice & Variety to Your Sex Life

Have you ever wanted to add some more sassiness into your "vanilla" relationship? Do you want to add a little role play into the bedroom? Perhaps you have been inspired by our Fifty Shades of Grey September and think some BDSM could be fun.

But where do you start? How can you get your partner on board without pressuring them or making them feel uncomfortable? Jean-Luc Gothos is here to give you 3 ways on how to introduce some variety into your long term relationship.

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So do you want to add something to your sexy time tool box but don’t know how to introduce the new idea to your partner? Well I’m here to help you with that introduction. I think the first thing we need to look at is, what is it you want to do and why do you want to explore this part of your sexuality. I think once you can answer those questions for yourself, you’ll be able to better answer your partner's questions.

So you’ve been interested in trying some light bondage and maybe some impact play. How do you go about introducing these new concepts to your partner? Well I’ve always found that information is best. So when I want to introduce a new concept to my partner, I will take the time to really gauge their response to this new activity. I want to add to the intimate time we have together. Is their response one of excitement, is it something more mild, or does your partner reply with a "not in a million years." If it’s the last one, it’s time to really talk about what issues they have with the activity and why is it something they might not want to do.

#1 Don't force, discuss

Now keep in mind you’re not trying to convince them to change their mind, you are simply discussing why they don’t want to explore this new part of your sexuality with you. Did they have a bad experience before, or do they just need more information. It could be that they just truly aren’t attracted to that kind of sexual activity. Also whispering it in their ear as there doing sexy naked things, is never a good idea. Whispering, “I want to fuck you in the ass.” may just kill the mood. It could put your partner into a different headspace altogether. So make sure you bring up anything new you want to do before any sexual activity.

#2 Communicate

The introduction of new sexual concepts and ideas can take a lot of communication between partners. You have to be able to trust your partner when trying new things.

The only way you can do that is if you have not only discussed your sexual activity but also everything else you have going on in your life. It wouldn’t be good to have your partner tied up and suddenly start talking about how they never do the dishes or how they looked at that sexy waitress at the restaurant last week. So communication will be an important part of introducing new concepts and ideas into your sex play.

#3 Knowledge

A lot of people will say no to something simply because they don’t know anything about it. Generally people aren’t real fans of change. So you have to make sure that you have all of the information available to them in order to really talk about the issues involved. This will show your partner that you care about their needs as much as your own. They aren’t going to want to do this new sexy thing if it looks as if they won’t get anything out of it. Sex can’t be selfish, it can’t be all about you, and it has to be a mutual exchange of pleasure. If you aren’t able to provide that then your partner won’t want to do the new sexy thing you want to try out.

I think the real core of introducing new stuff in the bedroom is that you need to be communicating your wants and needs to your partner. If you can’t talk honestly about sex and about your wants and needs, then I think you might want to reconsider why you’re with the person you're with. You will need to ask yourself why do you feel you can’t communicate openly and honestly with your partner.

Jean-Luc Gothos is our resident pansexual geek. He's the founder of Mindchaotica. He is also very active on Twitter, Facebook, G+, and Tumblr. He also writes for Life On The Swingset, Kink~E Magazine, and he reviews sex toys on EdenFantasys and writes for their sex positive online publication Sex Is Social.

Press Release: GetLusty for Couples to Organize Flashmob Dance to End Boring Sex, Support Consensual Sex

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Erica Grigg
Founder, GetLusty for Couples
(773) 413-8403
Erica@GetLusty.com
www.GetLusty.com

Chicago, IL, 9/26/12 – Seven years ago, the Founder of GetLusty for Couples was raped near her university, DePaul University Chicago. Six weeks ago, she founded GetLusty for Couples to promote amazing, consensual sex between loving couples to end the shame and stigma of sex.

Love and relationship media resource GetLusty for Couples will work alongside SlutWalk Chicago to execute a flashmob dance with the mission of ending boring sex for couples. For 5 minutes, we'll do the electric slide in support of SlutWalk Chicago. An electric slide tutorial starts at 11:15AM and the dance itself starting promptly at 11:30AM on September 29, 2012 at the James R. Thompson Center (100 West Randolph Street, Chicago). Participation is open to the general public.

SlutWalk Chicago is an international annual event that aims to combat the myth of "the slut" and the culture of victim-blaming in sexual assault. “In the last year, this fight has spread to over 200 cities around the world, where independent organizers have organized locally-driven SlutWalk-inspired events. SlutWalk started, and is still going, because we and so many others around the world have had enough,” said SlutWalk Toronto originators Sonya Barnett and Heather Jarvis.

GetLusty For Couples, like SlutWalk, aims to promote consensual, amazing sex. We're completely behind the SlutWalk movement and we think you should be, too!

GetLusty aims to help SlutWalk Chicago in eliminating shame and embarrassment surrounding sexuality. The attendees will perform the Electric Slide dance in their undergarments (if they so choose) to Salt-N-Pepa's, "Let's Talk About Sex" and "Push It" to promote this discussion of sexuality in a public forum. After the conclusion of the dance, SlutWalk Chicago will proceed with their event from 12:00PM until 1:00PM.

RSVP today! Please visit the event page on Facebook at http://on.fb.me/PG0eXH or GetLusty’s related blog post at http://bit.ly/GetLustyFlashMob for additional information.

Contact GetLusty founder Erica at (773) 413-8403 or by e-mail at Erica@GetLusty.com with interview requests. For any other questions or comments get in touch with our press manager, Hailee Moore at hailee@getlusty.com or the event organizer Annelise@getlusty.com.

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Clitoral Orgasm 101: a Mini-Guide

Orgasm October is coming. Oh my. I didn't even plan that. So, of course, we can't wait. I know--it's Fifty Shades of Grey September. But, duh, there are so many ecstatic orgasms in there, too.

This is part of what necessarily needs to be a multiple part exploration of the anatomy. Want to achieve different types of orgasms? Know your anatomy! This post by Anne Brown focuses on clitoral orgasms for vagina-owners and vagina-lovers. What arousal looks like, tips getting your or your partner’s pussy ready for clitoral stimulation, what clitoral orgasms might feel like to you/your partner and why. Anne Brown reports.

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Our overarching rule: All vaginas are different. 

I’ve tried to be on the “safe” side when describing arousal and clitoral stimulation, so your vagina might like more or less pressure, mechanical stimulation or otherwise. Something else fun and special and that is totally normal. Having trouble having an orgasm is also very normal and under no circumstances should anyone ever say that “this will make someone come” because that would put terrible pressure on you/your partner and that is not what we want. We want you to become enlightened about pussies!

I don’t want to say that I’ve had a clitoris for my “whole life” because I am not about to talk about how sex organs develop in a fetus and I don’t want to get into the when-does-life-begin territory.

So instead: I am a clitoris-owner–have been for a long time–and I just learned that the clit isn’t just the little hard bulb that may or may not peek out when a woman is aroused. Actually, that little head is just the tip of this way bigger thing that goes underneath the inner labia! Look at this diagram– the dark pink parts are all clitoris-material!


Check out the anatomic map!

See the darker lines that trace down over the ‘glans clitoris’ and end together at the bottom? That’s the clitoral hood and the vaginal opening.

Doesn’t it kind of look like a flying penis?  Like a little penis with big wings flapping on a downward-flap like a drawing of a bird on those beach scenes you drew in 6th grade?

I was hoping you would notice because guess what: a penis develops in utero from the clitoris. Penises are sensitive all over the place but especially on the tip and guess what again: a clitoris is the same way. When a developing fetus becomes male, the outer labia on a vagina stick together to make a ball sack. That is why there is a seam on the scrotum if you’ve ever been in a position to notice that seam. Developing humans are pretty economical, guys!

Notice the nub

Just like the penises they sometimes engender, clitorises get erections when they want some sex. They might poke out and look like a little nub from under the hood, they might feel very firm to the touch underneath the hood, or they might stick out a long way. All three are normal.

Other physiological signs of vagina-arousal include blood-filled, pumped-up labia that have changed color (any color is a normal color!) and increased wetness. Wetness varies from person to person and from day to day, though, so while “this is definitely wet” is aroused, “not immediately apparent wet” isn’t necessarily a sign of not-aroused.

A quick note on dont's

If you are interested pleasing a chosen pussy, whether it be your own or someone else’s, do not–I REPEAT– do not stick anything straight on the tip of that clit unless you are very, very sure that this particular clit will like it. Checking for physical signs of arousal before touching the clitoris directly will help avoid any pain. If you are a good scientist and your “Is the pussy aroused enough for orgasm?” data seems incomplete, you can do some things to ensure that you are on the right track to helping the pussy experience a clitoral orgasm.

So many parts of the body that are not the clitoris feel nice to be touched and will arouse sexy feelings in the clitoris by proxy. Whether you are dealing with your own or someone else’s, good places to start are body-touches that could be near the zone of the clitoris. A thigh-or boob-squeeze, some nice petting and/or cuddling, some kissing.

Take your time

Even if you are in a partner-sex situation and sex has already been happening in other ways, the receiver of clitoris-pleasure needs to be relaxed/safe/happy-feeling, so take your time. When you’re ready to move to the vagina area of the body, start by petting or kissing the inner thighs and labia, and then use your tongue/fingers/vibrator/whatever and maybe try going between the inner and outer labia–closer to those legs of the clitoris!

And touch the vaginal opening. Another thing to avoid doing unless you know your chosen pussy likes it, is to just jab something into that vagina-opening. If you are going to do that, go slowly. If the vagina doesn’t seem that wet, wisely use some lube, making sure that it is not cold. You’ll want the clitoris to be wet when you touch it, anyway.  Check out all Vulva Lovely's wearable vulva jewelery on Flickr.

Moving onto the clit, start by feeling on top of the hood or on the sides for hardness. Press down. Listen to the noises your partner is making/ask so you know what feels good! If you are a pussy-owner stimulating yourself, think about whether something feels good for you or you just “think it should” and get rid of the “should's”. You can play with the clit with that skin on the hood/around it as a barrier if it’s is too sensitive to touch directly.

Don't forget to talk

Different pussies like different touching, so talk, listen and make noises and pay attention! Some people like a lot of pressure, or a little. Some people like fast vibration-feeling sensation and some prefer slow, more pulse-like movements. Every clit will like wet. On average it takes 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have a clitoral orgasm.

However, it’s definitely different for different people/times so don’t try to put a time limit on yourself/partner and don’t feel bad if it’s taking a long time. Since we’re just talking about clitoral orgasms, I’m not going into the fingers/penis/implement inside the pussy at all. Why? I don’t want any confusion with g-spot stimulation, which works for some and not others in varying degrees. Your chosen pussy might like something inside of it even if most of the action is on the clit and outside the body.

You can try a ton of things at the beginning, but once you find something that is really feeling good for your chosen pussy stick with it and keep doing the same thing. When climax is near, the clit does not want anything new! It wants that exact same thing that is making it feel so close to orgasm.

Orgasm time

Orgasm Time! Orgasms are the result of a ton of tension leaving the body at once. Kegel exercises help orgasms be felt more strongly because the stronger the muscles around the vagina, the more tense they can clench and the more dramatic their release.

Clitoral orgasms feel different at different times. Sometimes orgasms can feel like just a little zing and/or warmth in the clitoris/vagina-opening area (think of the legs!). Sometimes they feel like a big spreading of zinging and/or warmth that spreads to the upper thighs/chest/other parts of the body. Sometimes the orgasm is so strong that the muscles twitch all over the place–this is the pudendal nerve’s fault!

Some clitoral orgasms can move up and do the fireworks-in-the-eyes thing, but the big, showy ones probably won’t happen every time. Some will last one second and some will last 10-15 seconds. People are capable of many types, and so it doesn’t help for anyone to have one type of orgasm in mind! Any orgasm-experience, almost orgasm-experience and intimate experience in general is worth appreciating just the way it is. The easiest way to kill an orgasm is for anyone is to make an orgasm or specific type of orgasm a “goal” of a particular act. Orgasm shouldn't always be the goal. That's stressful!

References

• Cage, Diana (2012). Mind-Blowing Sex: A Woman’s Guide. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press
• Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2012, May, 15). Orgasms for Everybody! [Audio Podcast]
• Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2011, November, 2). Stress Relief [Audio Podcast].

Check out the original post The Enlightened Sexpot.

Anne blogs from her base in Boston as The Enlightened Sexpot and works at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI.

Originally from Seattle, she studied Spanish and Latin American literature/film/art at Dartmouth College while also obtaining a teaching certificate in Kindergarten- 8th grade.

In addition to her interest in any and all things sex-related, Anne is a huge NPR nerd, book nerd, and an enthusiastic spin class participant. You can follow her on twitter @shinysex and also check out her blog, the Enlightened Sexpot.

Original Adult Fiction: Office Tango

Erotic stories are pretty hot, don't you think? Yeah, us, too! Do you want to add a little steam to your Tuesday? Our Crimson Love is here to introduce a series of erotic stories with a little introduction to her characters. Here's another original piece of titillating fiction for your reading pleasure.

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The day has dragged on and it’s now 1:30pm. Time for the weekly Thursday meeting. I go to grab my raspberry iced tea and a handful of fruity hard candy because it’s the only thing that will keep me awake and get me through this monotonous bullshit.

Upon entering the boardroom, a deliciously arousing scent wafts in my path. It’s masculine, with woody notes and a hint of musk, a heady and addictive combination that has forced me to find the owner of this scent. I casually walk around the room and pretend to look for a seat all while trying to find the mysterious origin of my new addiction. It isn't long before we must all be seated for the start of the meeting.

After everyone is seated, Mr. Millwall welcomes everyone, and I am on my way to Lala Land thinking about the things I have to do when I get home. I'm going through my mental grocery list when my thoughts are interrupted by an eruption of applause.

At the exact same moment, that oh so intoxicating scent I failed to find the origin of, wafts right past me. I can only see the back of the owner of such deliciousness as he proceeds to the front of the room. Mr. Millwall introduces him as James O'Sullivan, the new head of the advertising department, my department.

He is tall and well dressed. He's in a grey Armani suit, with sandy, blonde, well coiffed hair, a goatee and sky-blue eyes. As he thanks everyone for the warm welcome I notice his voice is deep and smooth, like rich silk. It reverberates in the deepest, darkest spot of my body. He's so confident, witty and charming; commanding the room's attention with such ease. I can’t believe this man is my new boss.

When James has finished his little introductory speech he returns to his seat and that intoxicating scent liquefies my insides into a puddle of lust. As he sits, he catches my eye and flashes me a smile. I feel the heat of a flush creep up my face from my neck. I quickly look away because I fear my body would ignite if I stare any longer. For the rest of the meeting, I steal glances of James in between fantasizing about the wonderfully wicked things we could do together. Would he do that thing I've been dreaming about? Would he tie me up like I've wished?

It is now 3:30 PM and the meeting is over. People hastily leave but I pretend to take notes on the meeting papers to give myself time to steal one last glance at James. When I look up he is gone and I can't help but to note the tiny pang of disappointment in my gut. I quickly gather my things and as I start to walk to exit the boardroom my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a luscious feeling, and I shutter. I grab my phone to see who or what it is and it’s a text from my best friend, Nikkie. As I proceed to exit the room and read my message I am abruptly knocked off balance and everything I was holding spills to the floor. My papers, tea, and my phone, which is now in pieces, are scattered on the floor.

I mumble some obscenity and kneel down on the floor to pick up my scattered items. As I do I hear that familiar deep, silky voice. I look up and it’s James. He kneels down to help me pick up my things while profusely apologizing and introducing himself.

My heart starts to race and I can’t even look him in the eye. He offers his hand for a shake and as our hands touch I feel electricity move through my body like ripping waves and settle itself deep inside of me.

A slow flush creeps up my face once again and I hurry to gather everything including my ego off of the floor. I hear James talking to me but I can’t focus on the words because I am so distracted by his scent and allure. In a daze, I feel myself being interrupted once again and am propelled back to reality. I spring to my feet and quickly thank him for helping me. I turn to walk away but am stopped by the feeling of his hand lightly touching my arm. I turn back and he says “Wait I never got your name”. “My name is Raven Bloom.” He smiles at my brief introduction and I feel my face flush again.

“Raven, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have heard quite a bit about you and your talents in this department.” He pauses and then says something I didn’t expect.

“Raven, would you like to have lunch with me tomorrow? It’s my treat since I nearly knocked you over. Not to mention, I would love to get a feel for the department and the direction everyone is headed in. Also, I would love to hear about your latest project as the lead creative. I have heard a lot of buzz about it."

I smile at him, muster up my most confident non-chalant, "Yes", and walk away. As I reach my desk, I feel panic wash over me. Shit how am I going to get through this lunch meeting tomorrow? What am I going to wear? Shit! I need to call Nikkie.

To be continued...

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

5 Male Nude Paintings

Our resident artist, Rachael Milton loves art. And sex. We don't get to connect them much, but we think that sex and art goes hand in hand. We're trying to get more into our Tumblr page, so we're looking up awesome pages like the Beauty of Vagina's or Hot Men Reading Books. But what about artistic nudes? 

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Who doesn't want some beautiful nude eye candy through out their day? The art of the nude has been predominately focused on females throughout history, but when the male form does pop up it's a sight to see. From late-Baroque to Expressionism here are our Top 5 Sexy Male Nude Paintings:

Guido Cagnacci

Drunken Noah

Jacques-Louis David

Male Nude Known as Patroclus

Gustave Caillebotte

Man Drying His Leg

Egon Schiele

Self-portrait, Nude

Henri Matisse

Male Nude

Like I always say, the art museum is an undercover erotic palace that's perfect for dates! Take your significant other out to see the new Modern Wing at the Art Institute of Chicago, you'll be surprised at how sexy those modernist color blocks can be. Maybe you can even get away with tweaking the nipples on those hot roman statues they have, you never know!

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Subscribe to the GetLusty Newsletter today!

This article is a guest post by our own marketing specialist, Rachael Milton. She spends her time researching and creating art revolving around sci-fi, the internet, and now sex! Rachael lives and works in Chicago with her sugoi boyfriend and kawaii pet guinea pig Tony Hawk. Find out more at rachaelmilton.net. Want to get in touch with her? Get in touch via rachael@getlusty.com.