Why We Love Freud

We often think about sex. Why? Sex is one of those instinctual urges. This is an idea Sigmund Freud talked about frequently. Shannon Ray is here to talk about why Freudian ideas and Freud himself influences sex today.

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Sex through history

Throughout history, sex has played a major role. Wars have been started due to it; think Helen of Troy. Clothing has been designed to hide it; think Victorian era or to enhance it; think rubber, leather and latex. The type of beer and automobile we purchase are due to hidden sexual messages in advertisements. Even the expression "getting laid" dates back to the customers of a 1900’s Chicago bordello the "Everleigh Club". ("I’m going to get Everleighed tonight.") Some feel that our very existence comes down to simply getting laid, that sex is the primary motivation for our existence.

Freud's sexual theories

Sigmund Freud was one of those people. His belief was that everything we do is in relation to sex. Case in point: Being a pet owner shows the "softer" side of one's persona: a caretaker, a giver. We earn a paycheck to show that we are stable and able to provide. We shower and brush our teeth, and practice good general hygiene to attract others to us.

Even though there are some of us who choose not to mate, we are inherently sexual creatures. In the end, it’s all smoke and mirrors to attract someone into our “sexual web." Sex is wired into our brains- whether we like it our not.

In situations, difficult or not, we get defensive about those three little letters: S E X. No matter your social class, income level, gender role or credit history- sex is a part of our lives. Either we are not getting enough or we are getting too much. It’s either too kinky or too vanilla for our taste buds. Our partners are either too fast on the draw or too slow for words. Sex rarely seems to be just right. But when it is, it’s the equal to a starvation diet that ends with a buffet. It’s the best we ever had and we’re not too proud to beg for more. And though you may not agree with Freud or me we both have a point:

In the end, is sex the reason? Give it a moment and think about it.

Thinking about primping

How vigilant would we be in our primping ritual if sex weren’t the wanted result in the end? Would a Stairmaster really be a high priority if no one were there to watch our asses? That last piece of pizza or cheese Danish would be finished off with a smile instead of a dismal sigh while calculating calories. And even when we do get the prize, is it really worth it? Wouldn’t all this be much easier if we purchased a vibrator and lived like we wanted to?

Let’s take for example a typical relationship (which in the end is really just code for wanting sex on a regular basis):

You meet and are freshly groomed from your non-showing roots atop your head to your freshly painted toenails. You’re on your best behavior; all the time your hormones are in overdrive. The courting process has officially begun. This means that you must wear only your sexiest underwear, shave and moisturize your legs, and carry extra breath mints in the purse that you never used to carry. (Because, as everyone knows, you need to look both sexy and organized when trying to get laid.) You’re beyond witty, beyond charming, beyond anything you’ve ever been. This is no ordinary persona, this is “super you”. This is your “gonna get me some” self.

Finally the big night arrives. You’ve polished, waxed, shaved, trimmed, and tweezed as much as possible. There are enough candles to light a small village. Hours have been spent cleaning the entire house- just in case there’s a pre-sex inspection.

Soon the fresh sheets are no more. The sex monster has beckoned and you have answered the call. All the time, wishing you had checked your caller ID prior to answering. Soon enough, you’ll be wearing your faded flowered underwear instead of the black thong. Your roots will be showing, proving that you’re really not that true blonde, brunette or redhead. Some dismiss this as the “groove” of a relationship. But let’s face some facts. The let down has happened, the sexual conquest is over and it wasn’t much to write home about. And all that’s left are some melted candles and stale breath mints.

Before long, we’ll be primping ourselves and be back on the prowl. And none the wiser for we never really learned our lessons. If we luck out tonight, it’s back to scrubbed walls and organizational clutches. If not, I suggest investing in a vibrator and a brownie or two.

Shannon Ray has been interested and active around sex blogging for years. She loves talking, thinking about and researching sex. So, of course, she's the perfect GetLusty writer!

“I was raised by a tribe of drag queens. They taught me how to be fierce with a pen and lip-gloss,” often jokes writer Shannon Andrews-Ray. Having dated both sexes for nearly 15 years, Shannon gives an ‘Alice through the Looking Glass’ spin on the often hilarious mating habits of both men and women, through her various incarnations of her dating columns. “Love’s Frosting” is her most recent tumble. Want to get in touch? E-mail her here.

"Mindfulness" as Sex Therapy

 Being mindful of your sexuality and even your emotions benefits your personal development. Meditation is healing. Sex is also healing. So, why wouldn't they both help sexual trauma or difficulties? How about channeling that mindfulness into your sexuality? GetLusty advocate, sexologist and sex therapist, Dr. Jenn reports.

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Boring sex? Pain during intercourse? Distracted in bed? Sex addiction? No desire to get it on? Is it possible that all these sexual concerns and sex problems could have the same remedy? Yes, and that remedy is the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is an awareness skill of being present in the moment, with your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. It is noticing the present moment and – here’s the kicker – not judging what you notice. The health benefits of mindfulness are profound: stress reduction, decline in anxiety, depression relapse prevention, overcoming addiction, and reducing chronic pain, not to mention greater happiness and fulfillment in life.

Researchers are also delving into the sexual realm to see how mindfulness can improve sex lives. Although little research has been done so far, it seems to be beneficial for women with low desire, vulva pain, and emotional distress from past sexual trauma. There is anecdotal evidence that it is valuable for sex “addiction,” erectile dysfunctions, and boredom.

I’ve been integrating mindfulness-based practices into my sex therapy and couples counseling work for several years because I think it’s the foundation for all personal growth.

Do you freak out with jealousy if your boyfriend receives a text from another woman? Mindfulness can help break that automatic pattern. Are you distracted during sex by your bulging belly or your long to-do list? Mindfulness skills keep you grounded in the moment and release such mind chatter. Integrating little daily practices of mindfulness can make these big brain changes.

I have mindfulness on my brain more than usual this week, because I just went to a sex conference this weekend. Its not as sexually titillating as it may sound, but it will be intellectually titillating. At this 2012 annual conference for AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) in Austin, TX, I will be speaking on “Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body: Improving Sex Lives Through Mindfulness.” My take home message for the audience? Mindfulness is the new sexy.

This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's sex & love blog series. Check it out the Mindfullness post here.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

3 Reasons Premarital Sex is Absolutely Essential

GetLusty is all about having better sex and making stronger relationships. Why don't we just talk about married couples? Because not all couples in long-term relationships are married, and that's OK. For us, marriage is both by the heart and by the law. So you might be in a loving homosexual relationship and marriage isn't even an option. Either way, sex is a very important part of relationships. Our Crimson Love explains why.

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Growing up, I am sure most of our parents told us not to have sex before marriage. It just wasn't what good boys and girls do. We were supposed to wait until we fell in love and found "the one". Sounds so romantic and sweet doesn't it? Well, let me just say that I am the child of divorced parents. My mother waited for marriage to have sex only to get divorced 36 years later because she was a lesbian. Needless to say, waiting until marriage thing became invalid very quickly.

Live together & learn about each other

In this day and age, with 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce, it seems like you would want to test drive the care before you buy it! Before you marry someone, living together lets people understand their partners inside and out. Of course, this may make or break relationships. But it should! This means you weren't meant to be together in the first place.

Catch onto their bad habits like drinking out of the milk jug, leaving their dirty socks around, not washing dishes for days or otherwise. You don't want to be married for 2 years and then get divorced because you couldn't stand how messy someone was. Anyway, divorce likely wasn't because of their messiness, but a whole variety of reasons. Divorce happens for reasons like money or sex problems, for example.

Sex should be positive and normal

Secondly, sex is a very big part of any normal, healthy, adult relationship. Why should we be ashamed of having this loving act with an individual who we aren't technically, "married" to?

What is sex, anyway? It's meant as a means for two people to connect to each other and enjoy each other in the most organic of ways. Some even avoid certain kinds of sex before marriage because that ensures they're still, "pure". Think oral sex or anal sex. What? That's insane.

On the flip side, if your lover is bad in bed and you're never satisfied, the relationship is bound for failure. If you test drive that car before buying, you can avoid a bad a situation and heartbreak. While we don't think, necessarily, bad sex should end in divorce, that can happen.

Sex enhances intimacy

Lastly, sex and other erotic activities are good for intimacy. In an earlier article, I wrote about the importance of intimacy in relationships. It's a building block for strong relationships. You're being romantic with each other, enjoying the time together, exploring each other, and testing each others limits. These are all extremely important for healthy relationships.

Have fun and remember that sex in relationships is important. It can actually help you make a more informed decision about the person you decide to spend your future with. Have kids? Talk with them about sex in a positive way. Don't worry, we'll help. We'll be offering sex positive parenting advice very soon.

With love from GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

Tomorrow! Blowjob 101 at Early to Bed

Early to Bed is an awesome feminist sex toy store in Chicago. They recently celebrated their 10th anniversary! In addition to being an awesome, they also have workshops, oh my. This is one of it's most in-demand workshop yet; a class focused on blowjobs, male anatomy, and women's feelings about them.

After a brief lesson on pleasure points Early to Bed will move on to instructions for what makes a stellar handjob and then techniques to give a mind-blowing blowjob, all without gagging or getting a sore jaw!

You'll even learn how to put a condom on without using your hands! This is a fun class that takes sexual pleasure seriously. Come prepared with any questions you have about head, and leave a fellatio all-star. Great for any woman who wants to be more confident in her man-pleasuring skills.


Instructor: Rebecca Steinmetz has enthusiastically been a sex educator for Early to Bed since 2003. She has created and presented numerous workshops on everything from flirting to strap-on sex.

She has presented at venues including universities such as Columbia, University of Chicago and Northwestern, Lawrence College in New York, LGBTIQ organizations, activist collectives and non-profit agencies. She has an undergraduate degree in Gender Studies from DePaul University and an MSW from the University of Chicago. Her sex ed related work has been featured in The Chicago Tribune, The Chicago Reader, TimeOut Chicago and Eight-Forty-Eight on Chicago Public Radio.

When: Thursday, September 27th

Where: Early to Bed 5232 N Sheridan Rd Chicago, IL


Time: 8PM

Ticket price: Register online $20 per person, $35 if you register yourself and a friend, and $15 for low income attendees and students. Reservations are required. Purchase tickets here.

This workshop is for women-identified folks only.

Check out Early to Bed on the map below.

Add Spice & Variety to Your Sex Life

Have you ever wanted to add some more sassiness into your "vanilla" relationship? Do you want to add a little role play into the bedroom? Perhaps you have been inspired by our Fifty Shades of Grey September and think some BDSM could be fun.

But where do you start? How can you get your partner on board without pressuring them or making them feel uncomfortable? Jean-Luc Gothos is here to give you 3 ways on how to introduce some variety into your long term relationship.

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So do you want to add something to your sexy time tool box but don’t know how to introduce the new idea to your partner? Well I’m here to help you with that introduction. I think the first thing we need to look at is, what is it you want to do and why do you want to explore this part of your sexuality. I think once you can answer those questions for yourself, you’ll be able to better answer your partner's questions.

So you’ve been interested in trying some light bondage and maybe some impact play. How do you go about introducing these new concepts to your partner? Well I’ve always found that information is best. So when I want to introduce a new concept to my partner, I will take the time to really gauge their response to this new activity. I want to add to the intimate time we have together. Is their response one of excitement, is it something more mild, or does your partner reply with a "not in a million years." If it’s the last one, it’s time to really talk about what issues they have with the activity and why is it something they might not want to do.

#1 Don't force, discuss

Now keep in mind you’re not trying to convince them to change their mind, you are simply discussing why they don’t want to explore this new part of your sexuality with you. Did they have a bad experience before, or do they just need more information. It could be that they just truly aren’t attracted to that kind of sexual activity. Also whispering it in their ear as there doing sexy naked things, is never a good idea. Whispering, “I want to fuck you in the ass.” may just kill the mood. It could put your partner into a different headspace altogether. So make sure you bring up anything new you want to do before any sexual activity.

#2 Communicate

The introduction of new sexual concepts and ideas can take a lot of communication between partners. You have to be able to trust your partner when trying new things.

The only way you can do that is if you have not only discussed your sexual activity but also everything else you have going on in your life. It wouldn’t be good to have your partner tied up and suddenly start talking about how they never do the dishes or how they looked at that sexy waitress at the restaurant last week. So communication will be an important part of introducing new concepts and ideas into your sex play.

#3 Knowledge

A lot of people will say no to something simply because they don’t know anything about it. Generally people aren’t real fans of change. So you have to make sure that you have all of the information available to them in order to really talk about the issues involved. This will show your partner that you care about their needs as much as your own. They aren’t going to want to do this new sexy thing if it looks as if they won’t get anything out of it. Sex can’t be selfish, it can’t be all about you, and it has to be a mutual exchange of pleasure. If you aren’t able to provide that then your partner won’t want to do the new sexy thing you want to try out.

I think the real core of introducing new stuff in the bedroom is that you need to be communicating your wants and needs to your partner. If you can’t talk honestly about sex and about your wants and needs, then I think you might want to reconsider why you’re with the person you're with. You will need to ask yourself why do you feel you can’t communicate openly and honestly with your partner.

Jean-Luc Gothos is our resident pansexual geek. He's the founder of Mindchaotica. He is also very active on Twitter, Facebook, G+, and Tumblr. He also writes for Life On The Swingset, Kink~E Magazine, and he reviews sex toys on EdenFantasys and writes for their sex positive online publication Sex Is Social.

Lady Gaga Says Stop Body Shaming

GetLusty is a sex positive organization that believes in the beauty of all people in all of their glorious different, shapes, sizes, and colors.

The inspiration for this article not only comes from the media but also the insecurities of one or two of our own staff members. There's been a lot of talk in the last several days about Lady Gaga's change in body. Well, Lady Gaga took on this critism and made her own new comeback announcing she's dealt with bulimia and anorexia since she was 15. Her new campaign, Body Revolution, aims to end shame. Crimson Love reports.

We admit, it's kinda funny that it's slightly ironic, though, that a thin lady is talking about body shaming & body positivity? 

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What is body shaming?

We have been living in a day and age where we are taught to be ashamed of what we have, who we are and what we are if it's not the standard or "better". In the media we see a lot of body shaming (criticism of others for not having the "perfect" body).

We see a lot of famous stars getting the brunt of this negative attention which, trickles down to regular society. You may think that it's alright for famous stars to be held to a higher standard or, for overweight people to be told to loose weight. But why? Because famous people are supposed to be beautiful and someone needs to tell the overweight people the truth about how being big is unattractive? No!

What's the problem?

When we partake in the dismembering of someone's looks we are perpetuating a standard of what we think people should look like, in addition to belittling their talents and them as a person. Our aesthetics-based society is allowing us to objectify men, women, and girls and by doing so everyone is expected to meet unrealistic standards.

We have created an environment that is not safe or conducive to self love and appreciation. Women and girls fall so hard in these situations and turn on each other. Instead of helping and encouraging one another, we join the media in the age old patriarchal bashing of our feminine figures in all of their beautiful variety. And for what? It accomplishes nothing and does more harm than good by giving everyone a complex. Being healthy is important but that doesn't mean everyone needs to be lean stick figure. Who do we need to please but ourselves?

Stopping the cycle

The good thing is that in recent years we have seen a huge turn around in the fight against body shaming and looks based discrimination. Companies like Dove started their Real Beauty campaign to showcase women of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. In 2010, Dove launched the Dove Movement for Self-Esteem which allows older girls and women to help mentor younger generations and together celebrate beauty. Earlier in 2011, Vogue Italia had their own campaign about real beauty and femininity. They featured spreads of some of the most beautiful plus sized models in the industry.

The more we learn and celebrate what real beauty is all about, the more we can help tear down these unrealistic expectations and diminish the increasingly dangerous body shaming problem.

Celebrate you!

With love from, GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

Clitoral Orgasm 101: a Mini-Guide

Orgasm October is coming. Oh my. I didn't even plan that. So, of course, we can't wait. I know--it's Fifty Shades of Grey September. But, duh, there are so many ecstatic orgasms in there, too.

This is part of what necessarily needs to be a multiple part exploration of the anatomy. Want to achieve different types of orgasms? Know your anatomy! This post by Anne Brown focuses on clitoral orgasms for vagina-owners and vagina-lovers. What arousal looks like, tips getting your or your partner’s pussy ready for clitoral stimulation, what clitoral orgasms might feel like to you/your partner and why. Anne Brown reports.

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Our overarching rule: All vaginas are different. 

I’ve tried to be on the “safe” side when describing arousal and clitoral stimulation, so your vagina might like more or less pressure, mechanical stimulation or otherwise. Something else fun and special and that is totally normal. Having trouble having an orgasm is also very normal and under no circumstances should anyone ever say that “this will make someone come” because that would put terrible pressure on you/your partner and that is not what we want. We want you to become enlightened about pussies!

I don’t want to say that I’ve had a clitoris for my “whole life” because I am not about to talk about how sex organs develop in a fetus and I don’t want to get into the when-does-life-begin territory.

So instead: I am a clitoris-owner–have been for a long time–and I just learned that the clit isn’t just the little hard bulb that may or may not peek out when a woman is aroused. Actually, that little head is just the tip of this way bigger thing that goes underneath the inner labia! Look at this diagram– the dark pink parts are all clitoris-material!


Check out the anatomic map!

See the darker lines that trace down over the ‘glans clitoris’ and end together at the bottom? That’s the clitoral hood and the vaginal opening.

Doesn’t it kind of look like a flying penis?  Like a little penis with big wings flapping on a downward-flap like a drawing of a bird on those beach scenes you drew in 6th grade?

I was hoping you would notice because guess what: a penis develops in utero from the clitoris. Penises are sensitive all over the place but especially on the tip and guess what again: a clitoris is the same way. When a developing fetus becomes male, the outer labia on a vagina stick together to make a ball sack. That is why there is a seam on the scrotum if you’ve ever been in a position to notice that seam. Developing humans are pretty economical, guys!

Notice the nub

Just like the penises they sometimes engender, clitorises get erections when they want some sex. They might poke out and look like a little nub from under the hood, they might feel very firm to the touch underneath the hood, or they might stick out a long way. All three are normal.

Other physiological signs of vagina-arousal include blood-filled, pumped-up labia that have changed color (any color is a normal color!) and increased wetness. Wetness varies from person to person and from day to day, though, so while “this is definitely wet” is aroused, “not immediately apparent wet” isn’t necessarily a sign of not-aroused.

A quick note on dont's

If you are interested pleasing a chosen pussy, whether it be your own or someone else’s, do not–I REPEAT– do not stick anything straight on the tip of that clit unless you are very, very sure that this particular clit will like it. Checking for physical signs of arousal before touching the clitoris directly will help avoid any pain. If you are a good scientist and your “Is the pussy aroused enough for orgasm?” data seems incomplete, you can do some things to ensure that you are on the right track to helping the pussy experience a clitoral orgasm.

So many parts of the body that are not the clitoris feel nice to be touched and will arouse sexy feelings in the clitoris by proxy. Whether you are dealing with your own or someone else’s, good places to start are body-touches that could be near the zone of the clitoris. A thigh-or boob-squeeze, some nice petting and/or cuddling, some kissing.

Take your time

Even if you are in a partner-sex situation and sex has already been happening in other ways, the receiver of clitoris-pleasure needs to be relaxed/safe/happy-feeling, so take your time. When you’re ready to move to the vagina area of the body, start by petting or kissing the inner thighs and labia, and then use your tongue/fingers/vibrator/whatever and maybe try going between the inner and outer labia–closer to those legs of the clitoris!

And touch the vaginal opening. Another thing to avoid doing unless you know your chosen pussy likes it, is to just jab something into that vagina-opening. If you are going to do that, go slowly. If the vagina doesn’t seem that wet, wisely use some lube, making sure that it is not cold. You’ll want the clitoris to be wet when you touch it, anyway.  Check out all Vulva Lovely's wearable vulva jewelery on Flickr.

Moving onto the clit, start by feeling on top of the hood or on the sides for hardness. Press down. Listen to the noises your partner is making/ask so you know what feels good! If you are a pussy-owner stimulating yourself, think about whether something feels good for you or you just “think it should” and get rid of the “should's”. You can play with the clit with that skin on the hood/around it as a barrier if it’s is too sensitive to touch directly.

Don't forget to talk

Different pussies like different touching, so talk, listen and make noises and pay attention! Some people like a lot of pressure, or a little. Some people like fast vibration-feeling sensation and some prefer slow, more pulse-like movements. Every clit will like wet. On average it takes 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have a clitoral orgasm.

However, it’s definitely different for different people/times so don’t try to put a time limit on yourself/partner and don’t feel bad if it’s taking a long time. Since we’re just talking about clitoral orgasms, I’m not going into the fingers/penis/implement inside the pussy at all. Why? I don’t want any confusion with g-spot stimulation, which works for some and not others in varying degrees. Your chosen pussy might like something inside of it even if most of the action is on the clit and outside the body.

You can try a ton of things at the beginning, but once you find something that is really feeling good for your chosen pussy stick with it and keep doing the same thing. When climax is near, the clit does not want anything new! It wants that exact same thing that is making it feel so close to orgasm.

Orgasm time

Orgasm Time! Orgasms are the result of a ton of tension leaving the body at once. Kegel exercises help orgasms be felt more strongly because the stronger the muscles around the vagina, the more tense they can clench and the more dramatic their release.

Clitoral orgasms feel different at different times. Sometimes orgasms can feel like just a little zing and/or warmth in the clitoris/vagina-opening area (think of the legs!). Sometimes they feel like a big spreading of zinging and/or warmth that spreads to the upper thighs/chest/other parts of the body. Sometimes the orgasm is so strong that the muscles twitch all over the place–this is the pudendal nerve’s fault!

Some clitoral orgasms can move up and do the fireworks-in-the-eyes thing, but the big, showy ones probably won’t happen every time. Some will last one second and some will last 10-15 seconds. People are capable of many types, and so it doesn’t help for anyone to have one type of orgasm in mind! Any orgasm-experience, almost orgasm-experience and intimate experience in general is worth appreciating just the way it is. The easiest way to kill an orgasm is for anyone is to make an orgasm or specific type of orgasm a “goal” of a particular act. Orgasm shouldn't always be the goal. That's stressful!

References

• Cage, Diana (2012). Mind-Blowing Sex: A Woman’s Guide. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press
• Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2012, May, 15). Orgasms for Everybody! [Audio Podcast]
• Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2011, November, 2). Stress Relief [Audio Podcast].

Check out the original post The Enlightened Sexpot.

Anne blogs from her base in Boston as The Enlightened Sexpot and works at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI.

Originally from Seattle, she studied Spanish and Latin American literature/film/art at Dartmouth College while also obtaining a teaching certificate in Kindergarten- 8th grade.

In addition to her interest in any and all things sex-related, Anne is a huge NPR nerd, book nerd, and an enthusiastic spin class participant. You can follow her on twitter @shinysex and also check out her blog, the Enlightened Sexpot.

Original Adult Fiction: Office Tango

Erotic stories are pretty hot, don't you think? Yeah, us, too! Do you want to add a little steam to your Tuesday? Our Crimson Love is here to introduce a series of erotic stories with a little introduction to her characters. Here's another original piece of titillating fiction for your reading pleasure.

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The day has dragged on and it’s now 1:30pm. Time for the weekly Thursday meeting. I go to grab my raspberry iced tea and a handful of fruity hard candy because it’s the only thing that will keep me awake and get me through this monotonous bullshit.

Upon entering the boardroom, a deliciously arousing scent wafts in my path. It’s masculine, with woody notes and a hint of musk, a heady and addictive combination that has forced me to find the owner of this scent. I casually walk around the room and pretend to look for a seat all while trying to find the mysterious origin of my new addiction. It isn't long before we must all be seated for the start of the meeting.

After everyone is seated, Mr. Millwall welcomes everyone, and I am on my way to Lala Land thinking about the things I have to do when I get home. I'm going through my mental grocery list when my thoughts are interrupted by an eruption of applause.

At the exact same moment, that oh so intoxicating scent I failed to find the origin of, wafts right past me. I can only see the back of the owner of such deliciousness as he proceeds to the front of the room. Mr. Millwall introduces him as James O'Sullivan, the new head of the advertising department, my department.

He is tall and well dressed. He's in a grey Armani suit, with sandy, blonde, well coiffed hair, a goatee and sky-blue eyes. As he thanks everyone for the warm welcome I notice his voice is deep and smooth, like rich silk. It reverberates in the deepest, darkest spot of my body. He's so confident, witty and charming; commanding the room's attention with such ease. I can’t believe this man is my new boss.

When James has finished his little introductory speech he returns to his seat and that intoxicating scent liquefies my insides into a puddle of lust. As he sits, he catches my eye and flashes me a smile. I feel the heat of a flush creep up my face from my neck. I quickly look away because I fear my body would ignite if I stare any longer. For the rest of the meeting, I steal glances of James in between fantasizing about the wonderfully wicked things we could do together. Would he do that thing I've been dreaming about? Would he tie me up like I've wished?

It is now 3:30 PM and the meeting is over. People hastily leave but I pretend to take notes on the meeting papers to give myself time to steal one last glance at James. When I look up he is gone and I can't help but to note the tiny pang of disappointment in my gut. I quickly gather my things and as I start to walk to exit the boardroom my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a luscious feeling, and I shutter. I grab my phone to see who or what it is and it’s a text from my best friend, Nikkie. As I proceed to exit the room and read my message I am abruptly knocked off balance and everything I was holding spills to the floor. My papers, tea, and my phone, which is now in pieces, are scattered on the floor.

I mumble some obscenity and kneel down on the floor to pick up my scattered items. As I do I hear that familiar deep, silky voice. I look up and it’s James. He kneels down to help me pick up my things while profusely apologizing and introducing himself.

My heart starts to race and I can’t even look him in the eye. He offers his hand for a shake and as our hands touch I feel electricity move through my body like ripping waves and settle itself deep inside of me.

A slow flush creeps up my face once again and I hurry to gather everything including my ego off of the floor. I hear James talking to me but I can’t focus on the words because I am so distracted by his scent and allure. In a daze, I feel myself being interrupted once again and am propelled back to reality. I spring to my feet and quickly thank him for helping me. I turn to walk away but am stopped by the feeling of his hand lightly touching my arm. I turn back and he says “Wait I never got your name”. “My name is Raven Bloom.” He smiles at my brief introduction and I feel my face flush again.

“Raven, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have heard quite a bit about you and your talents in this department.” He pauses and then says something I didn’t expect.

“Raven, would you like to have lunch with me tomorrow? It’s my treat since I nearly knocked you over. Not to mention, I would love to get a feel for the department and the direction everyone is headed in. Also, I would love to hear about your latest project as the lead creative. I have heard a lot of buzz about it."

I smile at him, muster up my most confident non-chalant, "Yes", and walk away. As I reach my desk, I feel panic wash over me. Shit how am I going to get through this lunch meeting tomorrow? What am I going to wear? Shit! I need to call Nikkie.

To be continued...

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

How Do I Give My Lady Better Butt Love?

Back in anal August, we talked a lot about butt sex. Regardless, anal sex questions remain. And, of course, here at GetLusty, we don't like to leave questions unanswered, so we had to get to the bottom of this issue. It's time. Down with bad butt sex. Maybe we're just feeling like super activists on the way to our SlutWalk Chicago Flash Dance Mob event this Saturday.

Either way, you might also have questions about giving your lovely lady partner butt love. Dr. Jenn is here to help. This is a guest post from Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus, PH.D. Dr. Jenn is a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, as well as relationship and intimacy counselor.

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Dear Dr. Jenn & GetLusty,

I think it’s hot to put a finger in a girl’s butt when we are having sex "doggy style." But it doesn’t always work and sometimes my girlfriend says it hurts. What can I do about this? How can I please my girlfriend better?

Thanks,
Wannabe Anal Master

Dear Anal Master,

Anal play has become more and more popular, so thanks for your great question. First, make sure your partner is interested in experimenting with anal play. If she’s not into it, she’s going to have a hell of a time relaxing, and will likely experience pain. I don’t advise trying to ‘sneak it in’ without explicitly asking permission.

If you’re both on the same page about this, then you’re embarking into a realm of heightened pleasure. A short anatomy lesson can be helpful here.

To enter the anus, you have to pass through two sets of anal sphincter muscles. The first set are voluntary muscles, which is why relaxation on the woman’s part is important.

She can put her attention on that external muscle area, and choose to relax those muscles. However, the second ring of muscles is a different story. These internal muscles are involuntary, which means you can’t think your way into releasing them. However, they do respond to gentle, direct pressure.

From your side, Anal Master, knowing how to navigate these muscle rings is important. Playing around the outside of the anus with a well-lubed finger can help the woman concentrate on that area and relax the first sphincter muscles.

Then, gently pressing on the anus for several seconds will release the second set of muscles and allow access inside. For some women who are tense and nervous about this, it may take more time.

Remember to start small, slow, and with a lot of lubricant (particularly a thicker lube made specifically for anal play). With a little preparation, patience, and knowledge, you can definitely become the Anal Master.

Be well,
Dr. Jenn

This Q & A was originally posted over at her blog, Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. 

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

3 Books For Deeper Love

Besides Fifty Shades of Grey, what are some other informational pieces to put your mind to use? We have already discussed the first 3 Books to Lust Over. Want more? Well, Lidia-Anain Bjorkquist is back with some more recommendations for your reading and relationship improvement pleasure! 

Lidia loves books so we had to share her love and inspiration. Below is just a small sample of the wonderful books she recommends and why. Head over to SexLoveJoy to find out more about Lidia and her writing!

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#1 What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal

Written by: John Gottman and Nan Silver

Book Description

In this wise, accessible, and long-awaited book, celebrated research psychologist and couples counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of love: Where does it come from? Why does some love last, and why does some fade?

Gottman has spent decades observing the conversational patterns and biorhythms of thousands and thousands of couples in his famous “Love Lab.” Now he applies this research to fundamental questions about trust and betrayal. Doubts are common in relationships. Partners often worry. Can I trust my partner? Am I being betrayed? How do I know for sure? Based on laboratory findings, this book shows readers how to identify signs, behaviors, and attitudes that indicate betrayal—whether sexual or not—and provides strategies for repairing what may seem lost or broken. With a gift for translating complex scientific ideas into insightful and practical advice, Gottman explains how a couple can protect or recover their greatest gift—their love for one another.

Why I want to read it:

Although I’ve read several books that seem very similar to this one, I can’t get enough and am hoping this one has some new research about love that I haven’t come across in my other reading.

#2 You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married): Looking for Love in the Age of Divorce

Written by: Dana Adam Shapiro

Book Description

Fast approaching the age when bachelors go from seeming curious to seeming weird, Oscar-nominated documentarian Dana Adam Shapiro set out across the country with a tape recorder in search of modern answers to an age-old question: Why does love die—and what can we do to prevent it from happening?

It all began as a self-help journey in the purest sense. A serial monogamist for more than two decades, Shapiro had just ended his fifth three-year relationship and wanted to know why the honeymoon phase never lasted until the actual honeymoon. Believing that you learn more from failure than from success, he spent the next four years interviewing hundreds of divorced people, living vicariously through the romantic tragedies of others, hoping to become so fluent in the errors of Eros that he would be able to avoid them in his own love life.

The result is a timely treasure trove of marital wisdom—a provocative look inside the hearts, minds, beds, and e-mails of regular people who’d thought they found “The One” and lived to tell the tales of what went wrong. Shockingly intimate, universally relevant, and profoundly personal, this is a page-turning, voyeuristic peek into the private lives of our friends and neighbors that is as racy as it is revelatory. But ultimately, You Can Be Right (or You Can Be Married) is a hopeful investigation of modern love and a practical guide for any couple looking to beat the roulette-level odds of actually staying together forever.

Why I want to read it:

This one intrigues because I believe that enduring love is something that we are all capable of if we value laughter more than being right. Can’t wait to read this one with the one I love most.

#3 Vagina: A New Biography

Written by: Naomi Wolf

Book Description

An astonishing work of cutting-edge science and cultural history that radically reframes how we understand the vagina—and consequently, how we understand women—from one of our most respected cultural critics and thinkers, Naomi Wolf, author of the modern classic The Beauty Myth.

When an unexpected medical crisis sends Naomi Wolf on a deeply personal journey to tease out the intersections between sexuality and creativity, she discovers, much to her own astonishment, an increasing body of scientific evidence that suggests that the vagina is not merely flesh, but an intrinsic component of the female brain—and thus has a fundamental connection to female consciousness itself.

Utterly enthralling and totally fascinating, Vagina: A New Biography draws on this set of insights about “the mind-vagina connection” to reveal new information about what women really need, and considers what a sexual relationship—and a relationship to the self—transformed by these insights could look like.

Exhilarating and groundbreaking, Vagina: A New Biography combines rigorous science, explained for lay readers, with cultural history and deeply personal considerations of the role of female desire in female identity, creativity, and confidence, from interviewees of all walks of life. Heralded by Publishers Weekly as one of the best science books of the year, it is a provocative and deeply engaging book that elucidates the ties between a woman’s experience of her vagina and her sense of self; her impulses, dreams, and courage; and her role in love and in society in completely new and revelatory ways sure to provoke impassioned conversation.

A brilliant and nuanced synthesis of physiology, history, and cultural criticism, Vagina: A New Biography explores the physical, political, and spiritual implications of this startling series of new scientific breakthroughs for women and for society as a whole, from a writer whose conviction and keen intelligence have propelled her works to the tops of bestseller lists, and firmly into the realms of modern classics.

Why I want to read it:

The feminist in me, the sex educator in me, the erotic creative in me and my vagina are all excited about reading this book, even though they don’t think they will agree with much of what is in it.

This is a post from Lidia-Anain Bjorkquist, the woman behind sexlovejoy.com.

Lidia is a SFSI certified sex educator who helps her clients to cultivate healthy sex lives and mindful relationships that empower them to thrive both in and out of the bedroom. She believes that shameless exploration and expression of sexuality, love and pleasure are the keys to creating lasting joy. Find her on Facebook and Twitter @SexLoveJoy.

Maria Falzone Talks Sex Positive Parenting

We talk a lot about sex. Many of you are parents out there and you might be wondering how to talk to your kids about sex. I know many-a-child has been curious (including me at a young age), but their parents weren't there to talk about sex.

We've all had questions and we still have more questions. For example, how does one even broach the subject? How can we do it in a safe way without inducing shame and fear for our children? Why should parents teach their children about sex early? How early is too early?

Without further ado, what we talked about:

• How Maria got started as a sex comedian & lecturer 
• Why it's so important to talk to your kids about sex
• Saving your kids from sexual abuse through educating them about sex
• Start a dialogue with your kids about sex without them rushing in to have it
• What's next for Maria's sex education foundation (that brings sex educators to universities and cities across the USA)
• Why she wants to travel & spread the message

More about Maria

Maria Falzone is one of the most sought after speakers on safer sex at the college level. Each year colleges and universities invite her back to teach the essential rules to greater and safer sex. Unlike other lectures, Maria shares her personal story of shame and suffering about sex and how after contracting herpes from a friend she was forced to honestly look at her attitude about sex.

In Maria's words: "We live in a society where we get conflicting messages about sex. Our parents and Society tell us to wait. In the world of advertising sex sells. So we end up thinking that we should just know how to have sex. Parents spend good money for us to go to college to get an education so that we can graduate and go out there and get a good job. But when it comes to sex, which most of us are going to have, (hopefully more than once) we have little to no information. Some of us end up emotionally or physically scarred."

Find Maria on Twitter @mariafalzone, Facebook and her website, Sex Rules.

3 Things That Can Kill Intimacy

We've stumbled upon people who feel they've got the perfect sex life. We've been pleasantly surprised and curious. Are we the only ones to experience these sex killers? We think not. If these things are happening to you, you're likely feeling the pain in your love life.

One of the main reasons why GetLusty was created was to help couples have better sex and a more fulfilling relationship. One of the most important parts of a relationship is intimacy. On the contrary, one of the biggest issues in relationships is the lack of intimacy. There are plenty of reasons as to why couples have low levels of intimacy in relationships. GetLusty writer Crimson Love reports on what life distractions can kill intimacy in your relationship.

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#1 Work

Work plays a huge part in lack of intimacy.

If you are extremely career focused and work 9-5 or later every single day when will you have time to spend with your partner?

By the time you get home all you want to do is eat dinner, maybe watch your favorite TV show and go to bed. This daily routine repeats the next day and could soon become a destructive cycle.

#2 Children

Having children (bless their sweet little souls) can put a damper on intimacy. In the early stages of life, they take up a huge portion of your time.

Even as they get older there are soccer game to attend, PTA meetings, play dates, and birthday parties.

After all that carpooling and running around, when everyone is finally home, you still have to make dinner and help out with homework. By the time good night kisses are given and the little ones are tucked into bed, you are tuckered out and ready to collapse.

#3 Family

On top of work and the kids, you also have family to deal with- which can be more emotionally draining than anything. Tension between your in-laws or immediate family can put you in a funk for awhile.

If you are a couple that has older parents who need just as much care just they will often need to be looked after and will need help with certain tasks. Taking care of older parents can also leave little to no time for intimacy and can even cause stress in your relationship.

You might be thinking to yourself, "Yes, this is sounds like me and my lover. But at least we still have sex." Yes, you may be having sex but ask yourself this: Is it the same routine sex? Are you using the same sex positions and having sex at the same time of the day? When you are all finished, do you roll over and fall asleep? This may work for some but for most, this won't work forever. Your stagnant routine may be killing your intimacy.

Look out for part two as GetLusty helps you distinguish the difference between sex and intimacy.

With love from, Get Lusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

Using Non-Violent Communication to Improve Your Relationship

Our Chief Lust Officer, Erica Grigg, was interviewing Lee Harrington. Lee told us he'd been thinking about this non-violent communication for a while, but couldn't find the time to write a post about it. Because, he said, NVC can really help communication in relationships. We said--you know what--that sounds fabulous! So here's the first in a two part series on using non-violent communication to improve your relationship.

After our article it may seem like a no-brainer to you, too. You'd probably be surprised that most of us don't actually use it and this kind of communication can really do wonders. This is part one of our two part series. Our goal in this article: define what is NVC? Our Crimson Love reports.

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Non-violent communication is communicating in a way that puts essential human needs, and compassion first. Here are the four main fundamentals to remember.

#1 Differentiate observation and evaluation

You might wonder, why is this important? When in a heated situation it is important to observe, to see what is really going on, to see what people are feeling, thinking, and witness how they react, all without judgement. Judging can cause you to misread what it going on.

#2 Understand feeling versus thinking

In the heat of an argument it's so important to take mental stock of how you feel. Be quiet and listen to yourself! How you feel and what you think are often two different things and your thoughts are often created by feelings. You can feel abandoned and think very angry thoughts and jump to conclusions. Take the time to connect with what you feel.


#3 Connect with basic human needs

You're in the middle of a fight. All you can think of is how mad you are. How much you need to get your point across first because that's what's important, right? Wrong! What's important is that both of you feel understood and accepted in spite of the current mini-war happening between you and your lover.

4. Request what you want and need instead of what you don't want or need

Ladies, let's be real. Sometimes we have a habit of telling people everything we don't want or don't need when in deed all we need to do is just say what we want and need. And it's not just a woman thing. Sometimes, it's just a people thing, especially if you are more passive aggressive. To make it easier, just be straight forward.

The next time you have a war at home just remember these four things and see how much easier and smoother things go. Information thanks to http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations.

With love from, GetLusty


Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with amber@getlusty.com.

Why I Watch Porn

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