How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

FemDom Series #2: Intro to Cuckolding

It's still Fifty Shades of Grey September! So we get to talk about dominance, "FemDom" or Female Domination as a duality in BDSM play. Just like it's title, the female takes on the Dominant role, and the male, the submissive. On the outside, this relationship is very similar to other relationship gender configurations in BDSM coupling. On the inside however, there are a few areas of play and fetish which are uniquely intrinsic to this particular dynamic. Last week in FemDom Series #1, Portia waxed enthusiastically about the erotic joys of Forced Feminization in FemDom play.

This week we're continuing our exploration in this boundlessly sexy realm with another fetish unique to this dynamic; Cuckolding. This scene involves three people, which will also take a lot of talking. Even if it's just a fantasy at this point, review & learn.

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Talk, talk, talk

I want to remind you all, before we go too deeply here, that all of the play in BDSM that I speak of is consensual. The key to healthy sexual expression is that everyone participating is a consenting adult. At the core of this fetish, as with many others in BDSM, the submissive has already given their permission to the dominant, although from the outside looking in it may seem otherwise. Before engaging in any of these activities with your partner, I suggest reading Negotiation 101.

What is Cuckolding?  

Cuckolding is a fetish in which the submissive male gets off sexually on the humiliation of watching his Mistress pleasured by other men. Sometimes, it does not even have to include watching, and can come (pun intended) from just knowing they are being pleased by others. It is unique to FemDom relationships in that, primarily, this fetish subculture centers around the female as Dominant, and the male as submissive.

Unlike most masochistic play in BDSM where the submissive gets off on physical pain, Cuckolds, or "cucks", are aroused by the psychological pain of humiliation.

It's an intensely cerebral fetish. It is a literal "mind fuck"; requiring a level of intellectual cunning that goes beyond the skill of wielding of a crop or a flogger. In addition to the voyeuristic component of Cuckolding, the humiliation aspect is paramount to the submissive. They want to be told, and shown, that they are not worthy to please their Mistress sexually, that another man/woman is better, more deserving, and more desirous than he will ever hope to be. The mental anguish they suffer caused by their Mistress is akin to the pleasure of her physical touch.

What's Mine is Mine, and What's Yours is Mine

Inside this fetish are some interesting facets of play that may, or may not, be part of the relationship negotiated. Orgasm control, orgasm denial, and forced chastity are often part of Cuckolding. All of these techniques are used for two specific reasons. One, to remind the submissive that his body, and all of it's pleasures, belongs to the FemDom alone, and two, to further his humiliation. A FemDom may limit how and when the submissive is allowed to orgasm, let alone touch himself sexually. She may also withhold this as either a form of punishment, or training, depending on the relationship dynamics. The pleasure he receives from being her "cuck" should be all he desires.

Mocking of his cock size, lack of masculinity to her liking, and of his utter lack of skill are all part of this. His humiliation is carried out in the reinforcement of these notions. In some cases, total celibacy through forced chastity may be required of the submissive. To ensure his chastity, some FemDoms will require their submissive to wear a chastity device to keep his cock under lock and key, literally. Only she gets to decide when, where, and how her property gets used, and this device serves as a reminder. I hate it when people play with my toys without my permission, don't you?

A Word On "Felching"

His pathetic cock might not be worthy to please you, but that worthless cuck is good for something! Put him to work and avoid the messy hassles of clean-up. Some FemDoms, after allowing their submissive the pleasure of hearing, knowing, or watching a real man please her, will give her cuck the gift of cleaning her up after sex.

This is done by eating her out, and sucking all the other man's cum out of her vagina. In fetish circles this is known as "Felching". The degradation provided by this is a thrill for the cuck. He feels useful in knowing that, while he is not only not worthy of her, he can clean up after the man who is. He is rewarded the pleasure of servitude, and of the debasement at her discretion. That truly is the gift that keeps on giving!

Sometimes, such a pleasure is not allowed the submissive. No need to forgo the fun! Consider giving that cuck a cum facial instead. Some FemDoms will save the used cum-filled condoms from their chosen desirable partners, and empty them on the face of their cuck, giving him a "facial" with the more worthy partner's cum. Equally humiliating, and creative. You may also choose to empty it onto a small plate for him to lick clean as you watch. It really is up to your own personal devious taste. Oh, the puns!

As Always, Safety First!

Although the activities I described involve higher-risk behavior in terms of STI (sexually transmitted infection), they have often been a common practice within Cuckolding. If you engage in these, it's important to know, and trust, the sexual health status of all parties involved. This is care for you, as well as your submissive's health and well-being.

Humiliation play of any kind of a delicate sword that must be wielded with precision and care. It's important to really know and trust your partner well, the more intensely involved your relationship dynamic is. Your not only playing with someones body, but with the intimate and vulnerable corners of their psyche. A bruise from a misplaced flogger is easy to see and goes away after a few weeks, while a psychological bruise is invisible and can be devastatingly long-lasting. Trust and knowledge of your partner is imperative before engaging to this depth. Remember humiliation during a negotiate scene is wonderful, while humiliation after a scene has ended is irresponsible and damaging to one's trust.

Care for your submissive's safety, both physical and emotional. during and after scene, are key. Depending on the structure of your relationship, whether scene by scene, or 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange), aftercare will vary greatly. Aftercare can vary from "cuddling" to "clean up and let me alone for awhile". Talk about what both you, and your submissive need after scene, just as much as what you need during.

While Cuckolding in FemDom relationships may be for some, it's not for all. It can be an intensely erotic form of play. Whatever you decide: have fun! If you're not enjoying yourselves, than what's the point? Live juicy my fellow sexplorers! Have more questions about Cuckolding? Contact Portia Blush below for more information!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

Podcast! Kitty Stryker Talks Consent in BDSM

Kitty Stryker is pretty wonderful. She's been working with sex workers for quite some time and her work is even transnational!

She's talked about sex worker rights from London to San Francisco. She now runs Cum & Glitter, a live sex show in San Francisco, that recently went Folsom-style for San Francisco folks.

We recently caught up with Kitty at CatalystCon last week. What we talked about:

• What is her new "Consent Culture" project all about?
• Why does she think BDSM needs more consent?
• What's wrong with FetLife policies around BDSM scenes? 
• What brought about Cum & Glitter?
• Why did she get into sex education & sex work?
• What's Cum & Glitter all about?
• What's next for Kitty?

More about Kitty:

Kitty Stryker is a geeky sex worker, Burner, rabid writer and feminist activist with one high-heeled boot in San Francisco, California and one in London, England.

In London, Stryker worked with the TLC Trust, an online organization connecting people with disabilities with sex workers experienced with emotional or physical limitations. She is the founder of the award-winning Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, and was nominated by the Erotic Awards as Sex Worker of the Year for her charity and activism work.

Now back in the States, Stryker has been presenting Safe/Ward, a workshop on combating entitlement culture within alternative sexual communities, along with being the PR rep for the Bay Area Sex Workers Outreach Project promoting sex worker rights.

She has written for Good Vibrations, Filament, and Tits and Sass, built a social media strategy for Cleis Press, and consults with sex workers about their online presence. Additionally, she's performed for several pornographic sites and been interviewed for multiple documentaries. Read more from Stryker on her personal blog, Purrversatility. Also find her on Twitter @kittystryker and Facebook.

Original Adult Fiction: Office Tango

Erotic stories are pretty hot, don't you think? Yeah, us, too! Do you want to add a little steam to your Tuesday? Our Crimson Love is here to introduce a series of erotic stories with a little introduction to her characters. Here's another original piece of titillating fiction for your reading pleasure.

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The day has dragged on and it’s now 1:30pm. Time for the weekly Thursday meeting. I go to grab my raspberry iced tea and a handful of fruity hard candy because it’s the only thing that will keep me awake and get me through this monotonous bullshit.

Upon entering the boardroom, a deliciously arousing scent wafts in my path. It’s masculine, with woody notes and a hint of musk, a heady and addictive combination that has forced me to find the owner of this scent. I casually walk around the room and pretend to look for a seat all while trying to find the mysterious origin of my new addiction. It isn't long before we must all be seated for the start of the meeting.

After everyone is seated, Mr. Millwall welcomes everyone, and I am on my way to Lala Land thinking about the things I have to do when I get home. I'm going through my mental grocery list when my thoughts are interrupted by an eruption of applause.

At the exact same moment, that oh so intoxicating scent I failed to find the origin of, wafts right past me. I can only see the back of the owner of such deliciousness as he proceeds to the front of the room. Mr. Millwall introduces him as James O'Sullivan, the new head of the advertising department, my department.

He is tall and well dressed. He's in a grey Armani suit, with sandy, blonde, well coiffed hair, a goatee and sky-blue eyes. As he thanks everyone for the warm welcome I notice his voice is deep and smooth, like rich silk. It reverberates in the deepest, darkest spot of my body. He's so confident, witty and charming; commanding the room's attention with such ease. I can’t believe this man is my new boss.

When James has finished his little introductory speech he returns to his seat and that intoxicating scent liquefies my insides into a puddle of lust. As he sits, he catches my eye and flashes me a smile. I feel the heat of a flush creep up my face from my neck. I quickly look away because I fear my body would ignite if I stare any longer. For the rest of the meeting, I steal glances of James in between fantasizing about the wonderfully wicked things we could do together. Would he do that thing I've been dreaming about? Would he tie me up like I've wished?

It is now 3:30 PM and the meeting is over. People hastily leave but I pretend to take notes on the meeting papers to give myself time to steal one last glance at James. When I look up he is gone and I can't help but to note the tiny pang of disappointment in my gut. I quickly gather my things and as I start to walk to exit the boardroom my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a luscious feeling, and I shutter. I grab my phone to see who or what it is and it’s a text from my best friend, Nikkie. As I proceed to exit the room and read my message I am abruptly knocked off balance and everything I was holding spills to the floor. My papers, tea, and my phone, which is now in pieces, are scattered on the floor.

I mumble some obscenity and kneel down on the floor to pick up my scattered items. As I do I hear that familiar deep, silky voice. I look up and it’s James. He kneels down to help me pick up my things while profusely apologizing and introducing himself.

My heart starts to race and I can’t even look him in the eye. He offers his hand for a shake and as our hands touch I feel electricity move through my body like ripping waves and settle itself deep inside of me.

A slow flush creeps up my face once again and I hurry to gather everything including my ego off of the floor. I hear James talking to me but I can’t focus on the words because I am so distracted by his scent and allure. In a daze, I feel myself being interrupted once again and am propelled back to reality. I spring to my feet and quickly thank him for helping me. I turn to walk away but am stopped by the feeling of his hand lightly touching my arm. I turn back and he says “Wait I never got your name”. “My name is Raven Bloom.” He smiles at my brief introduction and I feel my face flush again.

“Raven, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have heard quite a bit about you and your talents in this department.” He pauses and then says something I didn’t expect.

“Raven, would you like to have lunch with me tomorrow? It’s my treat since I nearly knocked you over. Not to mention, I would love to get a feel for the department and the direction everyone is headed in. Also, I would love to hear about your latest project as the lead creative. I have heard a lot of buzz about it."

I smile at him, muster up my most confident non-chalant, "Yes", and walk away. As I reach my desk, I feel panic wash over me. Shit how am I going to get through this lunch meeting tomorrow? What am I going to wear? Shit! I need to call Nikkie.

To be continued...

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

FemDom Series #1: Intro to Forced Feminization

Quick note: Though the title says, "forced" we ONLY do consensual sex. So though it's forceful, it's ALL consensual. As you'll read below, talk plenty before and during domination.

It's Fifty Shades of Grey September here at GetLusty. While the latest trend in erotic literature seems to focus on the male dominant/female submissive duality, there are many more delicious combinations to explore in the vast and varied world of BDSM play. The first in a series, we're talking about female dominance! Allow me to introduce you to the gloriously seductive world of female domination! Female dominance, or more commonly known as "femdom" in the dominant submissive (d/s) community, is where the dominant partner is female, and the submissive is male; a departure from the stereotypical relationship portrayed in the 50 Shades of Grey.

Portia Blush reports.

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Femdom offers so many wonderful facets of play to experience with your partner, and while there is no predetermined menu of activities, there are several that are quite inherent to this special dynamic. My personal favorite of these is forced feminization; where gender play and the art of humiliation are lovingly blended with skill and finesse. This style of domination is unique to this dynamic solely because of the gender bias that exists within our culture that women are the physically and emotionally weaker sex. And while that is a definite negative as far as culture and gender equality goes, it's a huge plus for us ladies in the domain of d/s play.

As with all BDSM play, consent is the key to the sexiness, so keep this in mind as you are reading. Do read sexual negotiation 101 and 6 tips for getting starting with BDSM. A submissive male who is into "forced femme" is craving this kind of treatment. While you may think at first, from the outside looking in, that it's cruel and degrading to emasculate him, you're right, and that's exactly how he wants it! Both the dominant and submissive share a fantasy; the dominant is like the conductor of the symphony, and the submissive, her orchestra.

Now that we've gotten all that serious stuff out of the way, let's talk fun! Forced feminization is just that; fun! Ladies, I cannot emphasize enough the creative potential in this style of play.

From the physical aspects like dressing your submissive up in pretty lingerie and makeup, to the more psychological side of play with name calling and behavior modification, you can have unlimited hours of amusement! Here are a few suggestions for exploring your forced femme play.

#1 Let's play dress up

Dressing your submissive man up in lingerie is good, and the more obnoxiously girly it is, the better! Pick very feminine colors like pinks and purples, and fabrics with lots of frilly ruffles and lace. Or, you can buy some of those panties that say things like "Princess" written in glittery letters across the bottom.

Up the ante on the humiliation factor by taking him shopping, and force him to pick them out, making it obvious to the sales clerk that he's getting them in his size. You can do the same with high heels, makeup, and fun hair accessories. I like to make a list, a very specific list, and force them to shop for it all alone, with me watching from a distance to make sure they do as told. Have a fashion show, and make your new toy show off all his new girly wear! Make sure he walks like a lady, or you'll punish him for his transgressions. Do you have other kinky female friends? Invite them over to watch!

#2 What's in a name?

When you name something, you own it! Give that boy a new name more befitting of his sissified self. You can take his male name and feminize it (Steve = Stevina), or you can call him more impersonal derogatory names like "slut" or "sissyboy". You could always try to find out what his mother would have called him if he had been born a girl, and use that. It adds a little something, don't you think? Honestly, why pick just one? Call that new toy of yours anything you want.

#3 What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine!

Make sure your new sissyboy knows that his body is your property, and therefore yours whenever for the taking. Grope, grab, fondle, and probe him at your whim. Asses him like the piece of meat he is. Buy a good quality strap-on harness and an assortment of dildos, and let the fun begin! Make that sissy get down on his knees and suck your dildo as he gazes appreciatively up into your eyes, and when you're satisfied enough with his performance, turn him around, bend him over, and take him anally (pegging) as he thanks you repeatedly for allowing him the pleasure.

#4 Earning his keep

A clean house is a happy house, so put that sissy to work! Dress him up in whatever is most appealing to you, and have him get to work on that laundry and mopping that kitchen floor.

 Some femdoms work the "sissymaid" aspect in here with a cute maid outfit, but I find that a man wearing a bra, panties, stockings, and a pair of high heels is sufficient enough.

Plus, it allows for easy access to your property, and you just never know when the mood will strike. Does it seem your new toy doesn't understand his place, or is not performing his chores to your liking? I like to make handmade signs to hang around my sissy's neck to entertain myself in this case. "Portia's Dirty Slut" always looks so nice. Not inspiring enough motivation? I find that taking pictures of this whole scenario works perfectly, and always seems to inspire a sissyslut to work harder. I hate having to make them mop my floors twice, wouldn't you?

Try these all tips separately, or combine them for new and exciting adventures! Your imagination is your only limit, and your submissive is just waiting to fulfill your every wish and desire. May your foray into forced feminization bring you both abounding pleasure!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

3 Books to Lust Over

OK, besides the Fifty Shades of Grey, what are some other steamy and informative pieces to put your mind to use? Well! We met Lidia-Anain Bjorkquist at CatalystCon last week. Of course, we wanted to share her great work, including SexLoveJoy.

She loves books so we had to share her love and inspiration, below are just a small sample of the wonderful books she recommends and why.

Looking for fall reading? Check out these lusty books below! Thanks Lidia for these awesome book recommendations.

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It is a fact that I read a lot. I really do have a lust for reading and consuming books. It is also a fact that my favorite season for retreating into books for escape, healing, learning, and all things revitalization is Fall. My Amazon wishlist of books is currently filled with over five hundred books that have been asking to come home to me.

Yes, they beg me daily as I look through the wishlist seeing which one’s cry is the loudest and new releases usually don’t cry loud enough. But this year there are so many great books coming out in September that I am feeling torn. Books that are coming out in September have made their way to the very top of my list; cannot wait to get my hands on these new releases and I haven’t even gotten through my new August read.

I am private about my collection of books but because these because all seem like great reads, I’ve decided to share (a shortened version of) my Fall reading list with you. It might sound silly but it makes me feel extremely vulnerable to share this list publicly.

List is in the order that I will be reading them.

1) The Erotic
2) Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities
3) Hot and Fast: Sexy, Spontaneous Quickies for Passionate Orgasms

Book #1

Title: The Erotic

Written by: Lou Andreas-Salomé

Book Description

Lou Andreas-Salomé may seem to be a figure remote from us, one belonging to a pre-1914 Europe, but in many ways, she is our contemporary. She travelled in a highly romantic world as socialite, sociologist, and author. She was part of Georg Simmel’s salon, the most exclusive in Berlin, frequented by elusive poet Stefan Georg, dramatist Paul Ernst, social theorist and polymath Max Weber, and Georg Lukács, among others.

Salomé’s unique contribution to the erotic was that she argued sexual difference ran deeper than economics, and equality—the politics of Marx and the ideals of the French Revolution. For Salomé, to think about women and their erotic nature, you must start with their biological and psychological difference, not their economic situation.

Salomé was an outstanding theorist. Her books on Nietzsche and on Rilke are major studies. The field of psychoanalysis would not have developed in the way it did without Lou Andreas-Salomé. We cannot understand Freud’s “rationalism” or his anti-religious sensibility without Salomé’s writings. This new English translation is an essential text of psychoanalysis, one that shaped the very conception of the field.

Why I want to read it

Lou Andreas-Salomé is a woman that I consider an icon and that I highly admire because of her intelligence. She was a brave woman that lived and loved as she pleased in a time when this wasn’t acceptable for women to do. While many admire Anaïs Nin, I choose to admire the woman that Anaïs admired and I think she wished she could have been.

If you love Anaïs Nin then you should become familiar with Lou Andreas-Salomé due to one simple fact: All-things-Lou Andreas-Salomé > All-things-Anaïs Nin.

Book #2

Title

Playing Well with Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities

Written by: Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

Book Description

Whether you’re a trembling novice or a jaded expert, there’s always something new to be discovered in the endlessly changing, complex and titillating world of kink. While there are plenty of other books out there that explain how to give a spanking or tie a half-hitch, Playing Well With Others is the first book that explains kink *culture* — the munches, parties, leather bars, conferences, workshops, fetish nights, exploratoriums and all the other gatherings of kinksters that turn BDSM and leather from a bedroom predilection to a lifestyle and a community.

You’ll learn to:

* Examine your own motivations, needs, wants and desires
* Ease your way into established communities
* Understand etiquette in different adventurous sex communities
* Familiarize yourself with the many types of events available to you
* Care for your relationships as you explore new territory
* Negotiate for play and aftercare
* Go back to the “world at large” without ruffling feathers
* …and, of course, answer the all-important question: What do you wear?! The team of Harrington and Williams offers 30-plus years of experience in diverse kink communities: top, bottom and switch; gay, bi and straight; female, male and trans; white and POC. Both former titleholders and international educators, they are an unbeatable pair of “sexual sherpas” with an inimitable voice and a great deal of wisdom. Playing Well With Others is an unprecedented and essential guidebook for anyone who wants to explore or understand the “community” aspect of the kink lifestyle.

Why I want to read it

I’ve heard Mollena Williams tell a couple of stories at Bawdy Storytelling and she blew me away with her storytelling. As a sex educator I like to stay up on what is written about sexuality by other sex educators, especially if it is a topic that I am digging deeper into in my personal life as well.

Book #3

Title

Hot and Fast: Sexy, Spontaneous Quickies for Passionate Orgasms

Written by: Megan Andelloux

Book Description

Megan Andelloux worked for nine years as a youth-focused sexuality educator in NY, RI, CT, and NJ before bringing her love for teaching at a locally run feminist sex-shop in Providence, RI.

She is a regular contributor for various media sources, a sexuality consultant for medical organizations, and a contributing author in the books “We Got Issue: A Feminist Response to Cultural Attitudes On Feminism” and “Sex and Society”. She lectures internationally at colleges, universities, medical schools, and sexuality institutions on issues surrounding sexual pleasure, sexual health, politics, and erotic justice.

Why I want to read it

Simply because it was written by Megan Andelloux. I am definitely a fan of her work and as a sex educator I want to pickup as many tips, tricks and techniques that I can pass on to clients and readers.

This post was cross-posted originally from SexLoveJoy.

This is a post from Lidia-Anain Bjorkquist, the woman behind sexlovejoy.com.

Lidia is a SFSI certified sex educator who helps her clients to cultivate healthy sex lives and mindful relationships that empower them to thrive both in and out of the bedroom. She believes that shameless exploration and expression of sexuality, love and pleasure are the keys to creating lasting joy. Find her on Facebook and Twitter @SexLoveJoy.

Ready to jump from 50 Shades of Grey into BDSM play?

It seems like everyone is reading 50 Shades of Grey these days. Do you think you are ready to leave the fantasy book world and get into some real, authentic BDSM? Maybe you would like to add kink to your "vanilla" monogamous relationship or maybe you would just like to find a dom for your kinky submissive side. Whatever your situation, our kink blogger, Lilly Rose, is here with the facts about 50 Shades of Grey. This was originally posted at her blog, Lilly's Submissive World.

* * *

So you just finished reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy and think you are ready to try out some kink like Christian Grey or Anastasia Steele. First things first though. Do you think a wealthy, sexy, Christian Grey type is going to pop up at your door in a Porsche with a NSA disclosure contract for you to sign? Not quite. Although an addictive and steamy read, 50 Shades of Grey has some inaccuracies that don’t quite hold true in the real world of kink. I am officially here to guide you through your romp into BDSM. Here are 10 things that you should know before diving head first into kink.

Don’t hook up with a dom and mistake sex for love.

Please don’t make that hasty assumption. In BDSM it is very important to discuss the dom’s intentions from the very start. Is he looking for a play partner or something with deeper long-term implications? Is he monogamous or does he have many subs he shares time with? Is he polyamorous? Many kinksters do not believe in monogamous love. Make sure you know what you want and what the beliefs of your play partners are. Have open discussions about it. Be honest. People appreciate honesty. In the BDSM world, it is absolutely necessary for safety reasons to be upfront about everything. BDSM is about testing your limits and going beyond the edge. The only way you are going to know if you are ready for kink play is by discussing your hard and soft limits, your safe word or safe action and aftercare. However, if a dom tries to push you into something you are not comfortable with set him straight or move on. There are plenty of doms out there in all shapes and sizes each with their own individual style and with years of experience. Some doms are more impatient with newbies, others love them.

Kinky sex if done properly can be fabulous or can leave scars that last a lifetime on the inside as well as outside of your body. You have to be more careful with kink, as some fetish play can be quite dangerous. Christian Grey was a violent sadist who at times could not control his urges. In BDSM this is a definite "what not to do."  Doms must be in control of their urges at all times. They always have the subs best interest in mind.

Pick your fetishes

Do you like to be teased with a feather? Do you like the idea of being tied up? Do you like to pretend you’re a secretary and you’ve been a bad girl? Do you like the thought of being punished with a spanking? Does watching porn where the girl is being humiliated get you hot? Go you! Those are your fetishes. Embrace them! Now for you doms out there: If you like doing all that, get yourself a girl or boy sub and go to town! There are sites that advertise for subs and doms as well as meetings where you can meet people in your area that are interested in every type of kink fetish play. There are also many different informational blogs and seminars on kink/bdsm. Some are erotica and others are chock full of information and experiences in the scene that can help you. Two awesome sites to check out for beginners in BDSM are: BDSM and Fet Life. Both websites have a comprehensive listing of the different types of fetishes out there and advice articles on how to get started.

Meet your playmates for coffee and see if the chemistry is there

Make it consensual. You don’t have to have your lawyer draw up a legal document like in 50 Shades of Grey. Just sit down with your dom or sub and discuss your hard/soft limits, your safe word, and safe action and aftercare. Write them down on a piece of paper as a list. You can negotiate changes later.

What are your hard and soft limits?

Hard limits are those things you absolutely will not do. Maybe you never ever want permanent scars from play. Soft limits are things that you are not quite sure about. Maybe you might like a little flogging now and then, but you just may not know at the present moment if you are up for it. Pick a safe word. That is the word you utter when you absolutely want the play to end. "No" doesn’t cut it. We say no during sex even when we don’t mean it-especially in kink play. So another word is absolutely necessary to let your dom know when to stop. Lastly, you need a safe action. You never know when you are going to be gagged or your partner decides to put his hand over your mouth. Then you will not be able to say your safe word and you need a safe action.

Discuss aftercare

Aftercare is crucial! Aftercare is your dom play partner checking in on you and making sure you are alright after a scene. This may range from putting ointment on your butt after a paddling, to giving you a bubble bath or just plain cuddling. It is really important that he asks if anything upset you, especially if something made you feel unexpectedly uncomfortable during a scene. Feeling uncomfortable may still occur even with the best planning which is why aftercare is so important.

Unleash your inner goddess

Hurrah for this! Feeling good is the ultimate goal of any kind of BDSM play! If planned well, you can have an orgasm that leaves you in a fabulous trance. Yes, there are subs who are pain junkies and love sadists. They get off on it. If you are that type of person, then more power to you. But as in all sub/dom relationships, trust has to be built before engaging in any kind of intense play. This takes time. You are not going to be jumping into that dungeon right away and being beaten with a belt. That would be foolish for a beginner. Quite frankly, Anastasia in 50 Shades went faster than normal in her entry into kink. Never rush into a relationship with a dom in the BDSM world.

Be safe!

Most importantly, I can’t stress this enough, if you want to try BDSM at any age, be safe. Some BDSM activity involves group play (gang banging), anal play, scat (ingestion of feces), and intercourse—(watch out for germs and diseases) that all involve your share of dangers. So always use a condom and never ever perform anal to mouth or vagina. I know I am going to get a lot of flack for saying that from anal players but there are a lot of infections you can get and that is why it is not recommended by most doctors. As a compromise you can always wash before doing anal to mouth or vagina (keep a sanitizer and wash cloth handy). Any safe kinkster would recommend that. Otherwise, you are pretty much playing a dangerous game of sexual Russian roulette with your life.

Do your research

Want to know how to tie up your girlfriend's breasts with rope? Don’t know what fetish you may like? There are literally hundreds of fetishes sites out there. Some doms and subs can pick and choose off the menu. It is all good, no judgment in the BDSM community. Don’t know if you are straight or gay? No problem, you are pansexual or your sexuality is evolving. The BDSM community is very friendly and open to all types of characters. Welcome to our silly, quirky world where all your kinky desires come true!

Are you a reader?

Believe it or not, 50 Shades of Grey isn't the only book out there. There are much sexier and educational BDSM books that are better suited for learning about this kind of lifestyle. Most doms consider "The Story of O" the bible of BDSM sub training. You may not like everything in it, but it's a quick read, well written and worth downloading or buying. There is a film version of it too if movies are more your style!


Now good luck to all you new Christian Greys and Anastasia Steeles! Remember: do your research, hunt for your mates, and get your adorable bods out there! Be safe and have some fun! If you have any questions you can always visit my site. It is informational as well as steamy and I love to help fellow kinksters.

Lilly Rose is a kink blogger, geeky Ivy League graduate activist and lover of great doms. Find Lily on Twitter @letitlingeron and also check out her blog. Lily also writes for Mindchaotica and Evolvedworld, and her Erotica (fiction and non-fiction) can be found at Literotica.

6 Reasons 50 Shades Isn't Realistic

Since it's 50 Shades of Grey September, we have been writing a lot about BDSM and the 50 Shades trilogy. We have had writers talk about their experiences and I have talked about 50 Shades inspired fantasies. The book has become extremely popular in the last several months and for good reason. It gives us a peek into the sexy, complicated and lovely world of BDSM. However, the peek we are given in 50 Shades is quite unrealistic.

How so? We are glad you asked! Here is a list of the top six ways 50 Shades of Grey is completely unrealistic!

* * *

1. A Dom taking in a virgin as a submissive

While there is a small percentage who might prefer a virgin, most Doms prefer women who are sexually experienced.

2. The crazy, rich and reclusive Dom

While reclusive people are not a rarity in this kind of lifestyle, the fact that he is super wealthy is not something that you will magically stumble upon. Add the fact that he picks a mousy college student...it's certainly a dream.

3. A virgin who was recently deflowered gets into kink

We highly doubt that if you recently loose your virginity you're going to find yourself quickly segwaying into kink of any kind. Exploring your sexuality takes time. After a few months we can understand, but after only a couple of weeks?

4. A 21 year old being handed their own company

We don't care if you're 35, if you have not proven to me over the course of a year or more that you can run a company than we are certainly not going to buy one and give it to you. As smart as Christian Grey is, he makes some crazy decisions.

5. A man that rich not signing a prenup

We get that money comes in bountiful amounts to Christian Grey. He worked hard for it and deserves it. But if you worked that hard, wouldn't you want to protect it? Especially if your marrying a 21 year-old who is not used to that kind of wealth! 

6. Contract, what contract?  

In the book, Christian Grey drew up a contract for Anna. It was a submissive contract. For a brand new submissive, someone who is not only new to you but new to the lifestyle, they would not get away with not signing a contract. Thank goodness she didn't get by on that nondisclosure agreement.

The world of BDSM is one hidden in a back room behind a red door. It's complex, amazing and very real. However, 50 shades is not. If you want a real peak into the BDSM life, do your research. We're here to help.

With love from, GetLusty.

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com. 

A Foray Into Foot Fetishism: a Story

Some think that having a foot fetish is weird. We think it's totally normal from a kinky perspective. And we think being kinky is hot! That's why we love stories about how individuals get involved with these. We're not just about how-to's. Though we'd love to present a how-to do a foot job (think hand job with your feet). Again, try to put away your bias of the foot fetish for now. Just read with an open mind.

Here is a personal essay from Portia Blush, who writes extensively on BDSM and Kink. This is a story of how Portia got into foot fetishes, and how she's using it to her advantage years later.

* * *

My first personal experience with foot worship came a few years before I delved into the BDSM world. I used to be a regular at showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show on 8th Street in Manhattan when I first went to college in the early 90′s, and one of my fellow regulars, part of the group that took me in and quickly made me a part of their crew, loved feet. And when I say he loved feet, I mean he LOVED feet!

He loved watching me wiggle my toes, he got doe-eyed watching me arch my foot to stretch and point my toes, and as soon as I became aware of this through keen observation, I would do them more obviously in his presence. The not quite matured Dominant aspect of my nature thoroughly enjoyed this. I reveled in the thought that it was erotically torturous for him to watch me, and I took advantage of this whenever I could. It helped that I had an interest in him sexually, as sexuality ties heavily into D/s for me. In short, they are inextricably linked for me. Well, maybe not in all cases, but usually 95% of the time anyway.

The object of his affection: my feet

Soon, as he became comfortable with me, and aware that we shared a mutual attraction, I allowed this aspect of our relationship to grow. I remember one night where he literally massaged and rubbed my stocking feet for what seemed like an hour before one show.

I was somewhat repulsed by it at first, as I knew my tired, stocking-clad tootsies were definitely not the most pleasant smelling. Oh, but that was just like icing on the cake for him, as he totally got off on stinky feet, and the more it smelled like you had been walking around all day, the better! I wouldn’t even want to be near my feet after that, but to each his own. Good on ya, mate!

Another night I even allowed him to suck my toes and lick my feet. I know some women actually find this feeling erotic, no fetish included, but then, to me, it just felt weird. It certainly did nothing for me sexually, but he really enjoyed it, and so I acquiesced to his desire, as it certainly wasn’t a deal breaker. I suppose I should’ve looked at it like getting a foot massage with a mouth. I had another experience with my toes being sucked by a lover just a year or so ago, and um, let’s just say under the right circumstances, I think my toes have tiny clits on them, but I digress.)

My roots of foot fetishism

A few years later as I forayed into my experience with BDSM, I began to learn that this form of fetish had its roots in submission. Myself, a dominant female or mistress if you please, became well aware that my stiletto-sporting feet were in high demand by submissive men with foot fetishes. I intended to milk this fetish for all it was worth. And when I say worth, I mean I saw dollar signs.

I was not alone in my ingenuity either! My partner in crime and best friend, Domina Blue, saw the monumental eBay potential to be gleamed. She was not only a Domina like me, but shared my eBay obsession as well. Blue encouraged me to list my well-worn stockings, socks, high heels, and even busted-out old sneakers for auction. Alas, eBay didn’t like such auctions, and quickly cancelled them despite overwhelmingly rapid bidding response! Apparently the selling of erotically marketed used clothing did not jive with their policies. Foiled again. I’d expect a little more from a company from California, land of the “out there”!


eBanned: Did you know about it?

Ah, thank you, eBanned! eBanned is the cleverly created “adult only” auction site for all things fetish that are not allowed on eBay.

Smelly socks? Worn panties? Trashed out high heels? You name it, you can sell, or buy it, on eBanned. Honestly, you’re just going to throw out your old socks, so why do that when you can sell them to some foot-sniffing, sock lover for $20, who will love them in his own special way? And please don’t think me callus in that statement, as those loving footboys understand what a true pleasure it is that I allowed them.

Green & erotic

It’s not only a no-brainer as far as the profit margins go, but it’s also the most cleverly concealed form of recycling ever devised! And who doesn’t care about the environment these days, right? I was such an innovator in the realm of “repurposing” back then, and I didn’t even realize it. And hey, it’s like getting your shoes for free, because once you have worn them enough that you need new ones, you can end up selling your beat up heels for anywhere from half, up to what they originally cost you, or more! I sold a pair of 6″ red patent, ankle strap, stilettos that I had worn out for $85+ to a guy from Germany! They cost me less than half that. 

Of course it’s not just the object itself, but the symbolism behind it, as well as the scent infused in it. To smell your feet, see the wear and imagine your perfect feet carving a path across a crowded room as all eyes fell on you, and imagine the life you lived in them as they worship every aspect of your Goddesshood; that, it’s that those footboys desire. It could be a high heel, a sneaker, a cute cotton athletic sock, or the sexiest pair of silk stockings. It’s whatever their proclivity is, whatever fantasy you choose to weave, and whatever piece of your world you deem them fit to enjoy the morsel of.

I call that a win/win, don’t you?

This was originally posted to her blog erogenoUS.

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

Top 9 Traits for a Submissive

Everyone at GetLusty hopes you all are learning as much as possible during our Fifty Shades of Grey September!

If you haven't already read our articles on Negotiation 101 and Getting Started with BDSM, please do so! We want you to be as knowledgeable about BDSM as possible, so you can have fun and be safe!

This post was written by Master Anakin from Journey to the Darkside, a blog about Anakin's and Padme's BDSM relationship (with a Star Wars twist).

Without adieu, the top 9 traits for a submissive in a BDSM relationship.

* * *

1. Submissive

As a general trait, a submissive isn't asking to be a submissive, they just are. That's the way there are wired. If it isn't there, if that isn't how you feel at heart; if you just don't feel that way towards dominant people, it just won't work.


2. Open

A submissive has to open themselves up to the Dominant's world; they'll be asked and taught to move towards growth and learning new things. But, change can be frightening. There has to be a core willingness to accept the dominant and what they profess is good for you.

3. A sense of humor

See #12 from the dominant list. It's okay to laugh at your dominant when he slips on they KY; and at yourself when you slip. On the other hand, it isn't okay when he's given an order and you know you've been terrible. It's not likely to draw a great deal of sympathy as the dominant orders you to bend over.

4. Responsive

A submissive who claims to be responsive, but is unwilling to listen to the Dominant, and who is convinced that they are the perfect submissive (that they've done nothing wrong ever and that they have nothing to learn) will never grow.

5. Communicative  

A submissive is constantly communicating her needs with or without the dominant's requests for information on how she's feeling and doing.

6. Intelligence 

If the submissive knows nothing about submission (through reading and talking with others), if they can't figure out what they want, if they can't understand or fathom why they are being asked to undergo training, then no amount of explaining from the dominant will penetrate or be helpful.

7. Emotional awareness 

A submissive needs to be aware of how she is feeling, for she is asking and asked to endure a great deal. A good submissive is even aware of how the dominant is feeling. They are aware of the often complimentary and conflicting emotions; loving the pain and being turned on from a good spanking.

8. Strong

As I tell my Padme, it takes more strength to be a submissive by far than to be a dominant. The submissive is asked to endure more, to grow more, to learn more, on a consistant basis, than the dominant. If the submissive is unable to gather the strength to tell a dominant that they aren't doing something right, if they can't challenge something someone says in conversation, then they won't make a good submissive. A good submissive isn't a doormat that just accepts. My submissive is a submissive to me, not the rest of the world. There will be times they need to be strong, and when that time comes they will be.

9. Desire

A submissive is wanting to give up a lot of her freedom's for the benefits of submission; they ask a lot of themselves in order to even ask for this, let alone live it on a daily basis. They've got to want it or they wont be able to stick with it and they will resist it until something gives. They've got to want it even when the dominant is lacking; if they are a true submissive, that fire to be submissive may flicker, but it will never die.

This was a guest-post from Anakin and Padme Amidala at Journey to the Dark Side. Their blog explores their life together, BDSM, erotic imagery, polyamory, and their true sexual and spanking adventures...with an awesome Star Wars theme! Anakin and Padme have been together for 15 years and married for 7 of them.

Gags & Clips 101 for #SexToyTuesday

It's #SexToyTuesday. Need some ideas to rev up your love life? Ellen is here to the sexual rescue with some toys that you can add into your bedroom for the ultimate pleasure thrill!

Last week it was smacks and whips, this week is gags and clips! That's right, we dare you to go into that exquisite realm of bondage, pain, and most of all pleasure.

Going along with our Fifty Shades of Grey September, this sex toy round up is all about sensuous torture. Restraints, nipple clamps, ball gags, oh my! And all brought to you by the sinfully sexy Pinkcherry!

This is another great article by our own Ellen Dukes.

* * *

Nipple clamps

First up are the infamous nipple clips or clamps. As you may remember from this month's inspiration, Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, nipple clamps are a favorite in bondage play. Whether it's sucking, pinching, prodding, or pulling the nipples, clamps are meant to flirt with the painful side of pleasure. Don't let the discomfort angle scare you off readers. Nipple clips can be perfectly harmless, especially for beginners, when used correctly.

Also, remember, both sexes have nipples, so this needn't be for the women only. When picking out a nipple product, you can test the strength on your finger or even better, the flesh of your arm, which is fairly sensitive. A good rule of thumb is that if it hurts your finger, your nipple is not going to be happy. Definitely work up to the stronger clamps if that's your goal- it can be done.

For beginners, I would suggest a sucking type of clamp like Pinkcherry's Mini Nipple Suckers as foreplay to stimulate them to full attention. It's easy to use (simply squeeze and let go on the nipple). If you are up for something more, try either My First Nipple Clamps or Nipplettes Vibrating Nipple Clamps.

Both vibrate wirelessly (which can help intensify the pressure in a good way), are waterproof, and, best of all, fully adjustable for whichever kind of level you are at. Pairing some trusty nipple clamps with restraints (and heck, throw in a blindfold!) will work superbly as torture play. Tease, tease, and tease your partner some more with the exquisite pressure of nipple clamps. They will definitely bring out your naughtier side.

Blind folds

Next, is the realm of sensory deprivation.
It may sound like a small and simple item,
but a blindfold can make a word of difference.
Covering your or your lover's eyes creates
a vunerability that can be quite thrilling.

You don't know what caress or lick will go where or when, creating a sensual tension. Plus, with a good quality blind fold dampening your sight, other sensations will take charge with a vengeance.

Try covering your lovers eyes while whispering something very naughty into his/her ear. Or, even better, both strip to the buff, make sure the blind is secure, and surprise them by ravishing different parts of their body, or rubbing parts of yours all over them. Especially paired with your favorite restraint (which I'll definitely hit later) blindfolds can be a surprisingly new way to spice up your usual love making.

Most any cloth material will work as a makeshift blindfold, but I would suggest Pinkcherry's Plushy Gear Lover's Eye Mask. It's soft, dark, and molds to your face making each wear comfy with all the sexy benefits of sensory deprivation.

Restraints

Restraints can also heighten that sexual tension. Whether they be the cool metal of handcuffs (please, do make sure you have the key!), the flexibility of rope, or the simplicity of sheets tied to the bedpost, restraining a lover is a whole new world of love making.

But first things first, some safety tips.

Have an exit: Make sure you both are comfortable with untying the knot or unlocking the cuff. I doubt sexy times can happen without an exit. Of course, intercourse can definitely take place whilst restrained, but when one partner is not quite as into it, or the fun times are over, release has a whole other meaning.

Too tight or just right?: This is a biggie: watch how tightly you knot the material or cuff. Cutting off circulation can get pretty unsexy in a hurry. So if you or your partner feel any numbness, pain, or strain in the tied limb, speak up so the restraint can be released. Having a mutual safety word as well as trying a few practice knots on yourself can get you up to par and ready for a real session.

Once you're a-ok with ropes, cuffs, or whatever you're using, get ready to tease your partner until they beg for more! For beginners, I would suggest using either Pinkcherry's Fetish Fantasy Bed Bindings or the Beginner's Bondage Fantasy Kit. Both have very user friendly restraints (the bed bindings doesn't even need a post or headboard!) to ease you into your bondage fantasies.

Are you or your partner successfully restrained? Now, tease your way up and down their body, varying the pressure and consistency of your touches or (even better) licks. Incorporate food (just watch out for sugary substances in the vagina, yeast infections are not fun) or other toys. Even your most steadfast vibrator can turn into a whole new experience once you're in control. I highly advise using a blindfold and using ice on the most sensitive area. Go between the shocking cold of the ice and the intimate warmth of your mouth for a real treat.

Gags


Though there is very real potential for drool with this torture device, I say go for it! Another deprivation is speech. When you can't tell your lover what you want, you must rely on moans, groans, and body language. The gag can be a major prop in role playing.

Try some rougher play, with restraints and even a blindfold. The gag is meant to be power play, so maybe a game of sex slave for the afternoon with your lover on hands and knees with the ball gag and nothing else. Or the classic break-in situation, with a burglar restraining and gagging the unsuspecting victim before ravaging their body. It's completely up to you.

As for products, try the Beginner Ball Gag to see if you like the feel. This gag is tapered towards the back to keep the jaw from opening too wide, making for a more comfortable experience. Those looking for more should consider stepping up to the Spider Gag. Just make sure you keep proper hygiene in safely washing these toys, since they are going in your mouth. Many are silicone, rubber, latex, or metal, so easily washable, or even bleachable.

With your gag, simply insert into your/your partner's mouth, adjust the strap, and there you go. Some more complicated gags have different parts, metal bits, or can be adjusted in multiple fashions. Also, since a safety word will be harder understand, be sensitive to each others body language, as it will indicate what they're feeling. Overall, make sure you're comfortable with the gag and then unleash your wilder fantasies.


This is a guest post by GetLusty writer, Ellen Dukes. Though Ellen Dukes is not an ethical slut (a damn respectable title, she'll have you know), her curiosity, openness, and the indefatigable search engine Google have lead her to a 21st century sex education.

A Chicagoan, you may see Ellen enjoying the delights of her deeply loving relationship with her boyfriend. Have a naughty story? She's heard naughtier, but tell her all the same at ellen@getlusty.com. She's a wannabe sexpert with years of porn viewing, listening to sex stories, and textbook browsing just waiting to put this knowledge to wonderful use.