How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

Original Erotic Fiction: "At the Barbecue"

Ever wanted to just ditch your friends and get with the cute guy you've been eyeing, right then and there? Then this story is for you, read on for some hot erotica from our very own, GetLusty's Sophie Sansregret!

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We meet again. I am starting to wonder now why you have me over so often. I see you never have a girlfriend by your side but you’ve never made your move. I watch you across the picnic table. We’re sitting on the back deck, the perfect place to be on this warm spring night. I catch your eye for just a second longer than is polite. I know that look. I smile back to give you the signal that I’m interested. I’m not sure that’s exactly what you mean but I’ll take that chance. I haven’t been fucked in ages and even then, it was entirely unmemorable.

“I’ll just take these plates into the kitchen,” I say quietly. I pick a few things up, bending to collect your plate and treat you to a view of my cleavage through the neckline of my startling red sun dress. I can see you take a quick look. Good. I can feel my nipples harden as you look at me. My panties grow wet as I think of you sucking hard on them as you fuck me. I head inside quickly, drop the dishes in the sink and before I have a chance to turn around you’re already there behind me. We can see the rest of the guests from the window over the sink.

I feel my breath catch in my throat as you approach me from behind and grab me, pulling my back into you. I can feel your lust pushing against my back. You bury your face in my long hair, tickling my neck with soft kisses. Your hands wander from my waist down to my thighs then slide under the light cotton of my sundress. Both hands slide over my hips and rest on my panties. You pull me closer then begin to rub me through the thin white cotton. My clit throbs with pleasure. I want you. I grind my back into your erection. Your hands move up my body reaching for my breasts. I moan.

“Harder,” I whisper.

And you oblige. I almost come but want to save it.

“Where can we go?” I whisper.
“Here,” you reply as you spin me then in a flash, whip my panties off and lift me onto the counter next to the sink.

You lift my skirt over my thighs and pull me to the edge of the counter. You drop to your knees and begin licking my pussy. Your tongue on my clit is like a lightning bolt. Shockwaves of pleasure shoot through me and I know I want more. You suck on my lips and force me to climax despite myself.

“Just to take the edge off,” you say, voice muffled by my skirt. “I want more from you.”

“Fuck me,” I say. “I’ve wanted to fuck you for months.”

You stand back, revealing your cock straining against the fly of your shorts. I unzip you as you unbutton your shirt. I lower your shorts, then your boxers and your cock is ready for me. I take it in my hand and rub the head on my wet pussy. I rub my clit against your cock as hard as I can but you move your cock from my hand and start pressing into me. I am wet for you but am so tight that you have to push a bit to get in. It’s been a while.

The head of your cock is in me and we both wait a moment, savouring the blissful feeling of that first penetration. You inch your cock in and out of me, slowly allowing me to adjust to your size.

Finally your cock is in me and we pause again just for a moment to enjoy this. You peek out the window quickly to make sure that yes, the guests are still all outside. Then you grab my bottom with strong hands and ram me hard. I love it. I haven’t been fucked in so long and I’m just dying for some passion and a good solid fuck.

As you drive deeper into me, we hear a crash of dishes on the kitchen floor not two feet from us. Caught!

--To be continued.

Sophie writes romance, comedy, and erotica for the self-loathing, and currently works as the Book section and Blog Editor for Evolvedworld.com.

Sophie has an MA in Creative Writing from Concordia University in Montreal; and just had two novellas published (why yes, you can buy them here!) and is working on a third novel (historical romance) to be issued Winter, 2012.  She likes cats, chocolate, and sleeping in. Find out more at sophiesansregret.com.

Stephanie Seymour naked

Interview Exclusive! Kristy Lin Billuni on Sexy Grammar

You would never have thought grammar could be sexy, usually it triggers the exact opposite response.

Kristy Lin Billuni, The Sexy Grammarian, convinced us other wise! We want to introduce you to the concept of sexy grammar and to do so we went straight to the source. Read on to find out how grammar can be sexy and what it can do for your relationship in our lusty interview with Kristy.

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As her editing business grew, Kristy Lin Billuni sensed parallels in her teaching work and her sexy roots. Writers liked her naughty grammar lessons and responded to the sexual metaphor she applied to the art of writing. Her clients helped her recognize that her unique combination of skills offered a fun and easy approach to writing. She embraced the idea and in 2003 launched Sexy Grammar. You can connect with The Sexy Grammarian on Facebook and Twitter.

Kristy has also taught a how-to class at Good Vibrations, danced at the world-famous Lusty Lady, developed sex health curriculum for Stanford Medical School, and posed for the infamous photographer Charles Gatewood.

What is Sexy Grammar and how did it start? 

Sexy Grammar is a stimulating way for adults to learn grammar rules and writing skills like when to use lay or lie and how to write an effective newsletter. It’s also the name of my company. I’m a teacher and a writer, and I help clients finish their writing projects. I’ve been at if for 10 years, but I haven’t always called my company Sexy Grammar.

The only subject I’ve been teaching longer than I’ve been teaching writing is sex. When my writing services company started growing, I began to see parallels in my teaching work. My writing clients loved concepts I brought from teaching sex: understanding climax in orgasm and plot and undressing sentences to their stark, nude cores. I also found that creatives, whose eyes glazed over at grammar lessons, got engaged when I used dirty words in my examples.

At the same time, I worried about my professional identity online. If you googled me in 2003, you might have read a story about my activist stunt to float the World’s Biggest Vulva down Market Street or you might link to my writing services website. I felt I needed to hide the sex expert-Kristy from my writing clients.

I’m grateful to author and longtime client Drew Banks for sharing his expertise as a marketing guru. Drew showed me that my integrated identity, which included the sex work and sex ed as well as the editing and teaching writing, was my most valuable asset. When I embraced the sexual metaphor in my writing approach and named my company Sexy Grammar, my business took off.

How can people use Sexy Grammar to enhance their love lives? 

Sex and writing are both about self-expression. I believe that the principles that help people have better sex--let loose, be specific, lubricate—can help people become better writers. Whether you practice these skills in bed or at the writing desk, you’re going to be more turned-on, engaged, and creative. I think great writers almost always make great lovers and vice versa.


What is your favorite part about working in the world of sex?

I’ve noted one common thread among the radically diverse people I've met working in sex education, sexy writing, erotica, and the sex industry. We’re all dedicated to creativity and self-expression. Those are values I love sharing, and they keep me motivated in my work with writers every day.

What's next for you (your business, practice) over the next 6-12 months?

We just launched a new brand look and website in August, and in 2013 Sexy Grammar will celebrate 10 years in business. We believe there’s never been a more exciting time to be a writer, so we’re also celebrating the worldwide web’s writing renaissance and its opportunities for writers everywhere to express themselves and find an audience.

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Would you like to join an amazing lineup and do an interview with GetLusty? E-mail rachael@getlusty.com to get started!

On Sexual Positions: An Erotic Story

We inspired an amazing post on ErogenoUS this past weekend. Read on for lusty insights into the concept of sexual positions. It's the first erotic story inspired by GetLusty, and of course, we wanted to share it with you!

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I didn’t even attempt trying to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. I’ve done that for the past two nights, but without fail, that big ripening moon in the sky did her best to keep me awake.

Blue moon, I had my friend in Italy ask you to be quieter for me tonight so I would sleep. Alas, you are a harsh mistress. Not a cell in my body asks for sleep as you peak at me through the curtains in my bedroom.

My friends over at GetLusty tweeted last night (yep, it’s a verb now, get used to it) asking what our favorite sexual positions were, and you know, other than names for the standard fare like Missionary and 69, I was really at a loss. I mean, I’m not sure some of my favorite positions even have names. I guess you could say I’m “creatively gymnastic”.

When I’m having really mind-blowing, heart-pumping, sweat-drenched, sheets are coming off the bed, “the house could fall down around me and I’d never even know” sex, I never really paused long enough to give much thought to what the things we were doing together were called.

All of our kinetic movements and gestures for positions are just that; gestures fed on the electric inertia of lustful bodies. There is no thinking at this point, if you’re lucky. There is no pause, no awareness of cognitive process.

 I’m plugged in. I’m an intrinsic charge in a circuit that hums and pulses with every leg thrown up and over your shoulder, every hand tightly clasped around your back dimpling into your flesh, or every hip driven back against you as you thrust into me from behind, using the length of my hair in your hands like reins.

What do I call that? How do I name that? How do I even do that justice with a few simple words?

Have you ever tried to describe a sexual position in one tweet? Let me just say, it’s not easy. It’s really challenging to be descriptive of such things with only 140 characters as your limit. Here is what it looked like when I sent it.

“@getlusty Modified coital alignment is right up there w/ man seated, w straddles cock, knees bent, feet flat on bed, leans back on her hands”

It just is slightly devoid of intensity and passion, which is so unlike what it actually feels like to experience. Then I’m supposed to find an even more abbreviated way to say that? However, if I were to tell you that one of my favorite positions is found in a moment, in an impulse.

I roll you over onto your back to straddle you, your cock throbs eagerly to be back inside me again as I hover above you holding you in anticipation. You can feel the heat of my pussy radiating down against your flesh, and your hands feverishly grab at my hips to pull me down onto you. I love the low growl that escapes your lips as you fill me, and the quake that follows through my body like the tremors in the strings of a well strum harp.

My gaze has never left the snare of yours. We are often like this, which is why I hunger to be in the wake of its hazel grasp. Slowly you raise yourself up, your weight now balanced on your hands pressed firmly into the sheets beneath us. I am like a fawn in the headlights of your desire. Encircling the amber skin of your back, hands sliding up along the curve of your spine, I draw your broad chest to meet the rise of my porcelain flesh.

I love the feeling of your chest hair grazing my pert rose nipples, and the heat that pours out of your skin as I press myself against you, and you fold your arms around my waist. Your voracious mouth finds mine with greedy impatience, and I can taste our sweat on your lips as I draw my tongue to yours. I long to know its intimate terrain, and each slow caress of my tongue paints my desire inside you, where only you can speak it.

I know because I sing the trail of yours left with tongue, teeth, and nail across my sinuous landscape. My right hand’s fingers have found their way up to be nested in the grasp of your short brown hair, and I brace myself against you, holding tightly to the swell of your shoulders with my left. On days when you would be in your head, you would interject that it has touches of gray, but that is of no concern to me. I’ll know you when only gray remains, even if we are no longer lovers such as this by then.

Our bodies ride together; a slow steady ebb and flow like a tide to shore, but we both feel the pull of our rampant need growing. I loosen myself from our embrace to lean back on the weight of my arms now, my hands planted firmly against the mattress cushioning us, and stretch my legs out, knee bent, behind you. Your tumescent cock drives itself deeper inside me, as I shift the weight of my hips forward against you.

You recline back onto your hands now, the cool sheet slipping against your fingertips as you find your steady against them. I watch your arms tremble as you climb higher to your edge with each fevered thrust of my pussy upon you. Our breaths come in quick gasps now, and with each grind of my hips against you I can feel the feverish spill of my juices devouring your manhood. I know how much it drives you wild with abandon to watch your cock glisten and drip with me, as you watch it part my lips, to slide, push, and plunge inside me, even when I am the one controlling our pace.

You…always know…just…how…to…push me…to the…edge where…I…am……bursting! I arch my back and throw my head back in shame at how you bring me there with such ease, as I come quaking upon you while watching the same insatiable peak crest and course through your taught frame. As our breaths slowly find themselves again, our sweat-covered bodies collapse into the bed underneath. I still have you inside me, and savor the feel of you until you begin to soften. Eventually I roll off of you, and turning myself, entangle my body in your awaiting arms to drift together into slumber.

Yeah, I guess we could call that position “The X Marks the Spot” to fit it into a tweet, but still, for me, it will always be so much more. After all, what’s in a name?

It’s almost 6am here. The moon is making her descent back into the trees. Maybe she’ll let me sleep now.

Thanks ZDNet for pic #1. Thanks ThisIsYourConscience for pic #2.

At the erogenoUS blog, you'll find the stories of one unnamed woman, navigating her erotic life without a helmet or safety harness.

Find her on Twitter and Facebook.