Generations Across: Why Stop Love Ageism

As a wife with a husband 10 years my elder, I definitely hear this article--if from the hetero perspective. Even from the hetero perspective, there's already ageism. Well, I couldn't fall in love with that person because of their age. Our sexual and love choices include many factors, including age.

But what about gay couples where one partner is older? How do both hetero couples respond to that and how can the gay community be more accepting? How can we all be more accepting to couples that might be different to our own dynamics? JacoPhillip Crous reports.

* * *

“The sex is more imaginative; 
 it feels more sensitive
 and this allows us to make love 
 with a greater degree of altruism.”

– James*, 32, 
 partner of twelve years to Mark*, 54.

Seen here, Juan Hidalgo’s photograph of two men kissing made a very controversial impression early in 2012. I was discussing it with a colleague when he brought to my attention the age difference between the two men in the photograph.

Suddenly many conversations rushed into my mind. I hurriedly had to nip our deliberation in the bud and proceeded to rifle through the narratives of couples who have crossed the generation divide, sharing with me so many of their experiences, viewpoints, and insights.

What is Ageism?

Ageism is prejudice and/or discrimination on the grounds of a person’s age. In gay communities around the world, ageism is more than problematic.

It constrains mens' masculine development, is caustic to our shared identity in manhood, and more importantly, consumptive of our sense of gay community. Some gay couples' love and lust for one another bridge across their generation gap. Those couples have a very good vantage point to observe gay mens' prejudices and gay social discrimination around aging and generation cohorts.

Let's not be ageist with love

William*, as a young gay man of 24, now partner of five years to John* who caricatures himself “a mature child of 40”, recalls how, while he was still just dating John, gay friends would repeatedly refer to him as “the young boy”. William was once very upset at one of John’s peer friends referring to him as “some fresh young thing”. I remember John commenting while the two of them scooched closer together on the couch: “As if Will was going to go off by a certain date.” It may just be the way gay men talk, but a stereotype is at its best offensive, and even more so when we consider that in circumstances such as these it comes from those who are opposed to themselves being stereotyped in any way.

James, 32, and Mark, 54, have been committed to each other for more than twelve years, yet whenever they step out of their circle, the age gap in their relationship opens a Pandora’s box of prejudices. James once remarked that, “the majority of older gay men we meet, treat me as some vapid nymph only after an easy ride (no pun intended), while Mark receives patronizing, congratulatory pats on the back as if he has won me as first prize in a pissing contest . . . younger guys usually react with waves of incredulity and panic.” It saddens me to have to agree with Mark when he says that the majority of young gay men are not interested in what older gay generations have to contribute.

It is the older generations that fought, sweat, tears, and blood for the acceptance and rights many younger generations now take for granted. “My generation made a gay reality possible,” points out Paul, 62, now in the sixth year of partnership with Peter, 38. Everyone over forty now has lived before and during the AIDS epidemic. Older generations were, in that context, also the pioneers of safe sex. “Safe sex, in some ways, made us look for other sexual practices” says Paul, Peter following quick with, “I learned that from Paul . . . there is so much more we can do than just fuck.” Paul takes heart that there are still some young men who value the traditions that provided a community in the first place, that “there are still young men out there who appreciate our minds and our sex.”

The couples I have had the pleasure of knowing, as diverse as you can imagine, strike accord on one very pertinent characteristic. Sex is experienced by both partners to be more imaginative. It is felt to be more sensitive and given with a greater degree of altruism. I believe that this is a result of mentorship these sexual partners share and enjoy. It's driven by the emotional satisfaction we all gain from teaching our beloved and being taught by our lovers.

Let's consider the historical context

The tradition of mentors in homosocial communities reaches far back into ancient Hellenic and Roman cultures, and likely beyond. It shouldn’t be a surprise that this dynamic raises its head, so to speak, in contemporary homosexual culture.

Because many gay men leave home without having been taught the finer things, like which linen to buy, which crystal to have, how to arrange flowers, choose a colour scheme, or how to throw a dinner party, these things and more are considered community things to be learnt from gay communion.

As homosexuals, we have to recognise that there are traditions that hold our global gay community together. This recognition on the side of the elder is perhaps the one thing that most separates the generations in gay living today. This sense of mentorship in gay culture is most pronounced in couples were there is a pronounced age difference between partners.

Let's nurture all loving, consensual relationships

Nurturing a relationship across such a generational gap is no matter of course though. The double prejudice suffered by these gay couples is a near active dissuasion. Not only do these men have to overcome the hegemonic disdain for their commitment and relationships. They also face prejudgement from within the gay community over their partnerships. Aron, 45, has been in a relationship with Tom, 27, for little over two years now and says to me, “I see it, our relationship... as a mirror image of the same condescension suffered by interracial couples.” Now, before your mind opens a whole other can of worms, this statement sharply focuses the feeling of discrimination these gay couples experience.

We should not perpetuate terms of endearment. Our love for our partners, if not revered, should at least be respected. Union in partnership, our emotional commitment, our sense of gay community, is in the fact that we love and choose to partner with someone of the same sex. As valid and enriching as these exemplary relationships are to the men in them, so too they are to gay community.

GetLusty provides recognition and support to all couples. If you would like to know more on a specific topic or have a particular question in need of an answer, GetLusty resources are enriching the lives of people in committed relationships around the world and you are welcome to subscribe. Have your comments and queries tackled by the professional talent (like me!) contributing to GetLusty.

I will share more gay coupling experiences with you next week on Get Lusty. Coupling: Trust clouts Fear, will include my personal experiences when I engaged with the coupling guidance process together with my ‘husband’ of over eight years.

Get the lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well; do It safe.
 Jacsman
*For ethical privacy all person names are given as nom de guerre

Though he's a new writer, we're already extremely excited about JacoPhillip. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman.

He studies & consults on ecstatic & intimate psycho-sexual health & development, promoting & improving male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A sex educator, JacoPhillip Crous studies about and consults around male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeablity. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman. Also subscribe on Facebook.

Podcast! Dr. Jallen Rix on Honesty for Deeper Love

Dr. Jallen Rix survived a strict, religious upbringing and ex-gay ministry. He wrote a book about it, and came out of the experience a more complete, honest person.

He's very secure in his sexuality and teaches others about how to realize their own sexual interests. How can monogamous couples have a more fulfilling love life? We talked with him about honest, loving experiences.

What we talked about:

• What brought Jallen here? 
• Why is it so important to be honest with your partner sexually? 
• Why did he write his wonderful book, "Ex-Gay No Way" and what's it all about, anyway?
• OK, so he's gay & poly. My husband is bisexual, is yours? Dr. Jallen answers how to integrate fantasy into your healthy relationship.
• How can couples interested in bi-sexuality but not in polyamory explore?
• What are different kinds of monogamy & why do they matter? 
• What's in the prospect for Dr. Jallen? What's next?

More about Jallen:

Speaker, author, and educator, Jallen Rix has come a long way to be a sex expert. Growing up as a Southern Baptist, he was taught that spirituality was heavenly but sexuality was from the devil. While obtaining a B.A. in creative arts and a minor in theology, he also went to great lengths attempting to change his sexuality from gay to straight in an ex-gay ministry- to no avail.

That experience set him on a journey of discovery that ultimately resulted in Jallen earning his Doctorate of Education in Sexology from The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, where he is now Associate Professor.

He pens the popular advice column, Sex Ed in Bed. As a sexologist, Jallen creates an accepting and safe environment that provides support, humor and insight for a wide variety of people to raise their awareness for a more positive and healthier sexuality. Learn more about Jallen Rix by reading his book, "Ex-Gay No Way." Follow him on Twitter @gaysexpert and subscribe on Facebook.

Clitoral Orgasm 101: a Mini-Guide

Orgasm October is coming. Oh my. I didn't even plan that. So, of course, we can't wait. I know--it's Fifty Shades of Grey September. But, duh, there are so many ecstatic orgasms in there, too.

This is part of what necessarily needs to be a multiple part exploration of the anatomy. Want to achieve different types of orgasms? Know your anatomy! This post by Anne Brown focuses on clitoral orgasms for vagina-owners and vagina-lovers. What arousal looks like, tips getting your or your partner’s pussy ready for clitoral stimulation, what clitoral orgasms might feel like to you/your partner and why. Anne Brown reports.

* * *

Our overarching rule: All vaginas are different. 

I’ve tried to be on the “safe” side when describing arousal and clitoral stimulation, so your vagina might like more or less pressure, mechanical stimulation or otherwise. Something else fun and special and that is totally normal. Having trouble having an orgasm is also very normal and under no circumstances should anyone ever say that “this will make someone come” because that would put terrible pressure on you/your partner and that is not what we want. We want you to become enlightened about pussies!

I don’t want to say that I’ve had a clitoris for my “whole life” because I am not about to talk about how sex organs develop in a fetus and I don’t want to get into the when-does-life-begin territory.

So instead: I am a clitoris-owner–have been for a long time–and I just learned that the clit isn’t just the little hard bulb that may or may not peek out when a woman is aroused. Actually, that little head is just the tip of this way bigger thing that goes underneath the inner labia! Look at this diagram– the dark pink parts are all clitoris-material!


Check out the anatomic map!

See the darker lines that trace down over the ‘glans clitoris’ and end together at the bottom? That’s the clitoral hood and the vaginal opening.

Doesn’t it kind of look like a flying penis?  Like a little penis with big wings flapping on a downward-flap like a drawing of a bird on those beach scenes you drew in 6th grade?

I was hoping you would notice because guess what: a penis develops in utero from the clitoris. Penises are sensitive all over the place but especially on the tip and guess what again: a clitoris is the same way. When a developing fetus becomes male, the outer labia on a vagina stick together to make a ball sack. That is why there is a seam on the scrotum if you’ve ever been in a position to notice that seam. Developing humans are pretty economical, guys!

Notice the nub

Just like the penises they sometimes engender, clitorises get erections when they want some sex. They might poke out and look like a little nub from under the hood, they might feel very firm to the touch underneath the hood, or they might stick out a long way. All three are normal.

Other physiological signs of vagina-arousal include blood-filled, pumped-up labia that have changed color (any color is a normal color!) and increased wetness. Wetness varies from person to person and from day to day, though, so while “this is definitely wet” is aroused, “not immediately apparent wet” isn’t necessarily a sign of not-aroused.

A quick note on dont's

If you are interested pleasing a chosen pussy, whether it be your own or someone else’s, do not–I REPEAT– do not stick anything straight on the tip of that clit unless you are very, very sure that this particular clit will like it. Checking for physical signs of arousal before touching the clitoris directly will help avoid any pain. If you are a good scientist and your “Is the pussy aroused enough for orgasm?” data seems incomplete, you can do some things to ensure that you are on the right track to helping the pussy experience a clitoral orgasm.

So many parts of the body that are not the clitoris feel nice to be touched and will arouse sexy feelings in the clitoris by proxy. Whether you are dealing with your own or someone else’s, good places to start are body-touches that could be near the zone of the clitoris. A thigh-or boob-squeeze, some nice petting and/or cuddling, some kissing.

Take your time

Even if you are in a partner-sex situation and sex has already been happening in other ways, the receiver of clitoris-pleasure needs to be relaxed/safe/happy-feeling, so take your time. When you’re ready to move to the vagina area of the body, start by petting or kissing the inner thighs and labia, and then use your tongue/fingers/vibrator/whatever and maybe try going between the inner and outer labia–closer to those legs of the clitoris!

And touch the vaginal opening. Another thing to avoid doing unless you know your chosen pussy likes it, is to just jab something into that vagina-opening. If you are going to do that, go slowly. If the vagina doesn’t seem that wet, wisely use some lube, making sure that it is not cold. You’ll want the clitoris to be wet when you touch it, anyway.  Check out all Vulva Lovely's wearable vulva jewelery on Flickr.

Moving onto the clit, start by feeling on top of the hood or on the sides for hardness. Press down. Listen to the noises your partner is making/ask so you know what feels good! If you are a pussy-owner stimulating yourself, think about whether something feels good for you or you just “think it should” and get rid of the “should's”. You can play with the clit with that skin on the hood/around it as a barrier if it’s is too sensitive to touch directly.

Don't forget to talk

Different pussies like different touching, so talk, listen and make noises and pay attention! Some people like a lot of pressure, or a little. Some people like fast vibration-feeling sensation and some prefer slow, more pulse-like movements. Every clit will like wet. On average it takes 20 minutes of clitoral stimulation to have a clitoral orgasm.

However, it’s definitely different for different people/times so don’t try to put a time limit on yourself/partner and don’t feel bad if it’s taking a long time. Since we’re just talking about clitoral orgasms, I’m not going into the fingers/penis/implement inside the pussy at all. Why? I don’t want any confusion with g-spot stimulation, which works for some and not others in varying degrees. Your chosen pussy might like something inside of it even if most of the action is on the clit and outside the body.

You can try a ton of things at the beginning, but once you find something that is really feeling good for your chosen pussy stick with it and keep doing the same thing. When climax is near, the clit does not want anything new! It wants that exact same thing that is making it feel so close to orgasm.

Orgasm time

Orgasm Time! Orgasms are the result of a ton of tension leaving the body at once. Kegel exercises help orgasms be felt more strongly because the stronger the muscles around the vagina, the more tense they can clench and the more dramatic their release.

Clitoral orgasms feel different at different times. Sometimes orgasms can feel like just a little zing and/or warmth in the clitoris/vagina-opening area (think of the legs!). Sometimes they feel like a big spreading of zinging and/or warmth that spreads to the upper thighs/chest/other parts of the body. Sometimes the orgasm is so strong that the muscles twitch all over the place–this is the pudendal nerve’s fault!

Some clitoral orgasms can move up and do the fireworks-in-the-eyes thing, but the big, showy ones probably won’t happen every time. Some will last one second and some will last 10-15 seconds. People are capable of many types, and so it doesn’t help for anyone to have one type of orgasm in mind! Any orgasm-experience, almost orgasm-experience and intimate experience in general is worth appreciating just the way it is. The easiest way to kill an orgasm is for anyone is to make an orgasm or specific type of orgasm a “goal” of a particular act. Orgasm shouldn't always be the goal. That's stressful!

References

• Cage, Diana (2012). Mind-Blowing Sex: A Woman’s Guide. Berkeley, CA: Seal Press
• Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2012, May, 15). Orgasms for Everybody! [Audio Podcast]
• Sex Nerd Sandra. (Nerdist.com). (2011, November, 2). Stress Relief [Audio Podcast].

Check out the original post The Enlightened Sexpot.

Anne blogs from her base in Boston as The Enlightened Sexpot and works at the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Pawtucket, RI.

Originally from Seattle, she studied Spanish and Latin American literature/film/art at Dartmouth College while also obtaining a teaching certificate in Kindergarten- 8th grade.

In addition to her interest in any and all things sex-related, Anne is a huge NPR nerd, book nerd, and an enthusiastic spin class participant. You can follow her on twitter @shinysex and also check out her blog, the Enlightened Sexpot.

Original Adult Fiction: Office Tango

Erotic stories are pretty hot, don't you think? Yeah, us, too! Do you want to add a little steam to your Tuesday? Our Crimson Love is here to introduce a series of erotic stories with a little introduction to her characters. Here's another original piece of titillating fiction for your reading pleasure.

* * *

The day has dragged on and it’s now 1:30pm. Time for the weekly Thursday meeting. I go to grab my raspberry iced tea and a handful of fruity hard candy because it’s the only thing that will keep me awake and get me through this monotonous bullshit.

Upon entering the boardroom, a deliciously arousing scent wafts in my path. It’s masculine, with woody notes and a hint of musk, a heady and addictive combination that has forced me to find the owner of this scent. I casually walk around the room and pretend to look for a seat all while trying to find the mysterious origin of my new addiction. It isn't long before we must all be seated for the start of the meeting.

After everyone is seated, Mr. Millwall welcomes everyone, and I am on my way to Lala Land thinking about the things I have to do when I get home. I'm going through my mental grocery list when my thoughts are interrupted by an eruption of applause.

At the exact same moment, that oh so intoxicating scent I failed to find the origin of, wafts right past me. I can only see the back of the owner of such deliciousness as he proceeds to the front of the room. Mr. Millwall introduces him as James O'Sullivan, the new head of the advertising department, my department.

He is tall and well dressed. He's in a grey Armani suit, with sandy, blonde, well coiffed hair, a goatee and sky-blue eyes. As he thanks everyone for the warm welcome I notice his voice is deep and smooth, like rich silk. It reverberates in the deepest, darkest spot of my body. He's so confident, witty and charming; commanding the room's attention with such ease. I can’t believe this man is my new boss.

When James has finished his little introductory speech he returns to his seat and that intoxicating scent liquefies my insides into a puddle of lust. As he sits, he catches my eye and flashes me a smile. I feel the heat of a flush creep up my face from my neck. I quickly look away because I fear my body would ignite if I stare any longer. For the rest of the meeting, I steal glances of James in between fantasizing about the wonderfully wicked things we could do together. Would he do that thing I've been dreaming about? Would he tie me up like I've wished?

It is now 3:30 PM and the meeting is over. People hastily leave but I pretend to take notes on the meeting papers to give myself time to steal one last glance at James. When I look up he is gone and I can't help but to note the tiny pang of disappointment in my gut. I quickly gather my things and as I start to walk to exit the boardroom my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. It's a luscious feeling, and I shutter. I grab my phone to see who or what it is and it’s a text from my best friend, Nikkie. As I proceed to exit the room and read my message I am abruptly knocked off balance and everything I was holding spills to the floor. My papers, tea, and my phone, which is now in pieces, are scattered on the floor.

I mumble some obscenity and kneel down on the floor to pick up my scattered items. As I do I hear that familiar deep, silky voice. I look up and it’s James. He kneels down to help me pick up my things while profusely apologizing and introducing himself.

My heart starts to race and I can’t even look him in the eye. He offers his hand for a shake and as our hands touch I feel electricity move through my body like ripping waves and settle itself deep inside of me.

A slow flush creeps up my face once again and I hurry to gather everything including my ego off of the floor. I hear James talking to me but I can’t focus on the words because I am so distracted by his scent and allure. In a daze, I feel myself being interrupted once again and am propelled back to reality. I spring to my feet and quickly thank him for helping me. I turn to walk away but am stopped by the feeling of his hand lightly touching my arm. I turn back and he says “Wait I never got your name”. “My name is Raven Bloom.” He smiles at my brief introduction and I feel my face flush again.

“Raven, it’s a pleasure to meet you. I have heard quite a bit about you and your talents in this department.” He pauses and then says something I didn’t expect.

“Raven, would you like to have lunch with me tomorrow? It’s my treat since I nearly knocked you over. Not to mention, I would love to get a feel for the department and the direction everyone is headed in. Also, I would love to hear about your latest project as the lead creative. I have heard a lot of buzz about it."

I smile at him, muster up my most confident non-chalant, "Yes", and walk away. As I reach my desk, I feel panic wash over me. Shit how am I going to get through this lunch meeting tomorrow? What am I going to wear? Shit! I need to call Nikkie.

To be continued...

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

Coupling: Learning Love After the Fall

This a heartfelt guest post by one of GetLusty's first gay writers, who we're very excited to introduce. JacoPhillip Crous talks about gay coupling and introduces our series to showcase more for our diverse audience.

Specifically, we'll have more articles and resources especially for gay and lesbian couples in long-term relationships & marriages of the heart and mind. Political marriages, too, if that's possible in your state or country. We do highly support gay marriage and support an end to marriage discrimination.

* * *

Gay men and women partner up after – as most men and women do – falling in love. Falling in love is arguably as simple as falling off a log. No guidance is needed. There is nothing to learn, besides your own feelings, perhaps.

People can feel the fall; you meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical charge to fly you out over the precipice of your personal comfort zone where you get to know the other person, and these “together” experiences of “feeling each other out” increase in intensity until you find yourself saying, “I think I’m falling in love.”

When convinced it is the “real ting” we tell the other person, hoping this feeling is reciprocal. Perhaps we redouble our efforts to win the love of our beloved if the feeling is not shared. When it is reciprocal, then we launch into partnership, talking about making a commitment to each other because, despite what the socio-cultural mores are, everyone agrees that being “in love” is grounds on which to build a well-founded, committed relationship.

The euphoric chemical cascade of love mixes with all the myths that abound in our world; gay or straight, these erroneous beliefs are the powdered sugar frosting on the fairy tales we all want to live as our lives. We have been led to believe that “real” love lasts forever; nothing could ever come between us. Together, our love could never be overcome; our love is most wonderful, never to be bettered. We do see couples that seem to have lost that, but that will never happen to us.

Unfortunately, long-range research studies on the in-love phenomenon clearly show the eternality of our in-love experience to be fictitious. Reality lands on its feet. It intrudes upon our love. Down from cloud nine, we find our commitment to each other needs to hold out against Herculean odds.

It remains a world mostly hostile towards homosexual love, relationships, gay-coupling or marriage – whatever you want to call it. The loving commitment queer people share is predominantly considered freaky.

A gay man or woman comes to disillusionment and discontent in their partnership. The partner they once loved, like every other well-adjusted person on this planet, isn't perfect and he or she then feels angry and resentful. After all, “I was deceived!” said one client to me, “It wasn’t the real deal.” I do not think this is it. The problem is he and his partner, and many gay couples around the world, falters under the weight of faulty information just as straight marriages and relationships do. This false information is the idea that in-love obsession is eternal. Surely we should all know better, particularly as gay men and women who are more likely to have experienced personal development through life as “iffy”, so to speak.

The fanciful thinking that erroneous information causes does not mean that we are insincere in what we are thinking and feeling. It just means we are unrealistic, particularly when it comes to commitment intimacy and learning lasting love for our beloved once we both get up from falling in love.

Until more recently, gay relationship resources were not to be had for love nor money. Just the other day a gay client made my heart ache during our first communications with, “…like marriage counselling? But we are not married. Would that kind of thing help us?”

Gay couples guidance, or, as I like to refer to it, “coupling” provides a learning environment where the couple can explore the reality of their relationship. There are never only two ways: couples resign themselves to a miserable life with their respective partners, or throw in the towel. As part of a rainbow people, gay men and women understand that they often have to find their own way, make their own way, and compromise. In the same way, there is a spectrum in which gay couples can work it: we can find our way to a companionable relationship; we can create the parameters of our partnerships; and we know we can fight for our love with resolve.

So gay couples want to improve their knowledgeability for a self-help approach. Say, together seek the guidance of a professional, or engage with other couples in social forums on relationship building and development.

The internet is on its way to becoming a veritable cornucopia of gay relationship resources. The information alone, available to the gay community via the web, should help us recognize the in-love experience for what it was – ephemeral. Pursuing “real love” with our partner and spouse requires us to pick up the towel. It involves an act of will, requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal development and growth.

The basic human need is not to fall in love with someone, but to be authentically loved by another. Love grows out of learning, reason, and choice, not physiology and instinct. You, and every straight person, needs to be loved by another who chooses to love you, who sees in you something worth loving.

The effort and discipline of learning love after the temporary emotional high of falling in-love is choosing to commit to expending energy in an effort to benefit your beloved. Knowing that his or her life is enriched by this will bring you satisfaction. The satisfaction of having genuinely loved another. High stakes, high reward. Gay couples often feel all this guidance-to-learning-love-business is straight work. It is not.

Your human need for love, love after the fall, must be met if you are to have emotional health. But having to learn to love, “It seems so academic”, one lesbian client complained, “What emotional security do I get…how do I know that I am number one in her mind?”

That is what coupling, or gay couples guidance is all about: learning to couple and be together for each other, learning to love, learning to meet each other’s deep, emotional need to feel loved for the long haul. If we can learn that and choose to do it, then the love we learn to share for each other will be exciting beyond anything we ever felt when we were infatuated.

GetLusty provides this opportunity to all couples, gay and straight. If you would like to know more, GetLusty resources are enriching the lives of people in committed relationships around the world, become one of the gay couples to GetLusty for one another and subscribe. http://getlusty.blogspot.com

I will bring more gay coupling information to you, and share the experiences my ‘husband’ of eight years and I brought to our life as a committed gay couple when we first sought out coupling guidance.

Get the lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well; do It safe.

Jacsman

He just started writing, but we're already so excited about JacoPhillip. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman.

He studies & consults on ecstatic & intimate psycho-sexual health & development, promoting & improving male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A sex educator, JacoPhillip Crous studies about and consults around male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeablity. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

Have More Sex. Schedule it!

It's time to open the bag of GetLusty questions.

We get this question all the time. According to Today, it's one of the four biggest marriage problems. Marriage problems can lead to bad sex, so that's why we're going to be reporting on the psychological elements of having better sex soon.

Before then, we answer a readers' question.

***

Reader question

"Dear GetLusty,

I don't think my husband really wants to have sex. We're both so busy, whenever I have free time, we end up too tired to make love. How do I have more sex with my husband?

Signed,
Need to cum"

Dear need to cum,

That sucks. Many of us at GetLusty have experienced this problem. Including me.

There could be several solutions based on what you and your husband express your love. However, one full-proff way is a good start.

From what we've heard from sex educators like Shanna Katz and sexologists like Melissa Jones is scheduling is the first step to having more sex. She Knows also recommends this essential practice. This isn't just for you--it's for you and hubby!

OK, you might be thinking: that's going to be the ultimate in boring! The short answer? You'd be surprised, actually. Scheduling sex may be the best thing you've ever done for your sexual relationship.

Below are several tips I've used for successfully scheduling sex, even when we're both busy.

1. Tell your lover you'd love to make love with them more frequently

2. During that conversation, make sure not to get defensive. It's about having a better relationship, not making your significant other feel bad.

3. Ask when you both might be able to schedule a (30-minute? 1-hour? 2 hour?) window to make love this week. Would you like to do it 3 times weekly? 2 times weekly? What's the maximum and minimum you'd both like to make love weekly?

4. Agree to those standards.

5. Once the day rolls around, make sure to get prepared with toys, lubricant or other accessories if you'd like. Want to try BDSM? Anal sex or something else? Chat briefly, negotiate your sexual needs and enjoy!

6. Once you both have completed your week of amazing sex (or sensual) experiences, celebrate! You both are committed to your relationship. You're awesome!

7. Keep it up! Every week, make sure to re-access if you're not keeping up with your goals.

Hope that helps!

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. 

If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

Want to connect about writing, or business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.